#rayrants

I've been bullied into stopping making this kind of content from my own blog and the more I think about it, do I really even need to make this or what

We have people openly support comedians that have been doing less than the bare minimum in trying to come up with relevant and funny material because of some abstract idea that jokes exist in some void that should absolve the teller of repercussions. The problem is, it never was such, and only now are comedians complaining about it because the butt of their jokes have finally gained some modicum of visibility and power in society to be able to have the exceedingly minor repercussions be known.

It, being by first multichapter fic, allowed me to slightly grow and learn a lot of new techniques, some of which I hope to apply in the near future.

Thanks for the support on reblogging, liking and commenting. I swear they make me happy hence the daily updates. I started writing because I want to show people what my mind is capable of conjuring up, not expecting others to like it as well. So less notes don't actually bothered me and I feel like a very generous person.

Huge shoutouts to @enderio and @samatedeansbroccoli for their funny tags and reactions. Something about that makes my heart all fuzzy when they reblog it. And of course to everyone who's saving it for later, leaving likes and those who lurk read it (are there any?)

Now that my spotlight will be fading, (did I even have one) I have more time to focus on other people's works and boy believe me I'll do my best to react to each one of them with tags. Just like ender and samatedean, you know. Reciprocity.

But don't forget me though. I'm already making a pathway for something new, and I hope by the time I post it, you'll still be there.

Good Day to all!

My therapist advised me to start a journal. I do want to write stuff that’s on my mind but there was always something that was preventing me from doing it. It’s probably more internal things in my head that are preventing myself from writing journal entries 

Okay. So, I’m noticing it more now. I’m not able to enjoy things by myself. I can’t just play video games now, because I get bored of playing by myself after a few minutes. It’s probably the same with like TV shows, which I don’t really watch shows either. It’s like when I start playing something, there’s something in the back of my mind that says that I need to do something else.

And maybe that’s cuz there are things that I’m just procrastinating on. We got a whole list of things. Clean room, laundry, wash bedding, start and finish a programming projects, etc. And I’m just too lazy to do it all. I didn’t even do anything on this Saturday, I could’ve started it, but I just went game hopping, trying to make myself feel satisfied. And at the end of the day, I don’t feel satisfied at all. I’m disappointed in myself because I failed at making myself feel satisfied. I feel like I only feel that way if I’m around other people. I never really feel unsatisfied after a hangout with friends. Except that one Saturday (bar-hopping) but I think that’s a fluke. Is there a way I can feel this way by myself?

I’m trying to think of stuff that my therapist said. “In order to love others, you need to love yourself.” Is that the reason I can’t enjoy things by myself? Because I don’t have love for myself?

Hmmmm...I’m thinking. Do I think I would be able to hangout with myself? Would I enjoy hanging out with myself? I’m telling myself no, but I need to list out reasons. If I can’t even hang out with myself, what makes me think that others want to hang out me. But others do want to hang with me. All of my friends always assure me. So why is it that when I get one actual day to myself, I go crazy in trying to satisfy myself? Okay, reasons.

Reasons why wouldn’t I want to hang out with myself. .... I’m trying to think of reasons, but my friends, bless them, have reassured me that it isn’t the case. Like I don’t think the jokes I make are funny, but others laugh. I...can’t...seem...to...praise myself. Ugh, it’s like every time I’m thinking of something, my mind seems to think of something else. Like look at what I’ve been writing. I went from my problem being not being able to enjoy myself, to not being able to hang out with myself, to not being able to praise myself.

...

Okay. Let’s take this one step at a time. Not being able to praise myself. There HAS to be something you can honestly praise yourself with NO DOUBT in your mind.

...

These are gonna be some lame reasons, lame as in others will NOT CARE, but hey. Why do others matter in this reason? Let’s try to forget that.

1. League of legends. While I don’t think I’m a good league of legends player because I definitely can’t lane top or mid well, I know FOR SURE that I’m a good support player. No matter what my toxic teammates say. No matter what the results of the game is. I know if I have a really good carry, then I will cause them to exponentially play better. Cuz that’s how I am as a player. In basketball, that’s known as a facilitator, and that FOR SURE is what I am able to do, especially if they’re able to work with me. That may not matter to others who don’t even know what a league of legend is, but to me that matters.

2. I think I am able to perceive other people’s decisions and perspectives pretty well. Gotta stop saying think. These are reasons that I can say FOR SURE. I am able to receive other people’s decisions and perspectives pretty well. Especially if they talk it out with me, I can pretty much understand what people are going through, and I will almost always try to look at it through multiple sides. I always say there’s two sides of every story and I always try to look at it through both sides.

As I’m trying to think of a third reason to praise myself, it’s funny to think that it feels like I’m basically making a resume for being a friend for myself. On that resume it says, “very good support player, Leona main btw” and “able to step into shoes of others.” Literally it’s a paper that just says those two lines. That I’m giving to myself. Haha. Maybe I am funny after all.

...