The Boredom Blog

My therapist advised me to start a journal. I do want to write stuff that’s on my mind but there was always something that was preventing me from doing it. It’s probably more internal things in my head that are preventing myself from writing journal entries 

Okay. So, I’m noticing it more now. I’m not able to enjoy things by myself. I can’t just play video games now, because I get bored of playing by myself after a few minutes. It’s probably the same with like TV shows, which I don’t really watch shows either. It’s like when I start playing something, there’s something in the back of my mind that says that I need to do something else.

And maybe that’s cuz there are things that I’m just procrastinating on. We got a whole list of things. Clean room, laundry, wash bedding, start and finish a programming projects, etc. And I’m just too lazy to do it all. I didn’t even do anything on this Saturday, I could’ve started it, but I just went game hopping, trying to make myself feel satisfied. And at the end of the day, I don’t feel satisfied at all. I’m disappointed in myself because I failed at making myself feel satisfied. I feel like I only feel that way if I’m around other people. I never really feel unsatisfied after a hangout with friends. Except that one Saturday (bar-hopping) but I think that’s a fluke. Is there a way I can feel this way by myself?

I’m trying to think of stuff that my therapist said. “In order to love others, you need to love yourself.” Is that the reason I can’t enjoy things by myself? Because I don’t have love for myself?

Hmmmm...I’m thinking. Do I think I would be able to hangout with myself? Would I enjoy hanging out with myself? I’m telling myself no, but I need to list out reasons. If I can’t even hang out with myself, what makes me think that others want to hang out me. But others do want to hang with me. All of my friends always assure me. So why is it that when I get one actual day to myself, I go crazy in trying to satisfy myself? Okay, reasons.

Reasons why wouldn’t I want to hang out with myself. .... I’m trying to think of reasons, but my friends, bless them, have reassured me that it isn’t the case. Like I don’t think the jokes I make are funny, but others laugh. I...can’t...seem...to...praise myself. Ugh, it’s like every time I’m thinking of something, my mind seems to think of something else. Like look at what I’ve been writing. I went from my problem being not being able to enjoy myself, to not being able to hang out with myself, to not being able to praise myself.

...

Okay. Let’s take this one step at a time. Not being able to praise myself. There HAS to be something you can honestly praise yourself with NO DOUBT in your mind.

...

These are gonna be some lame reasons, lame as in others will NOT CARE, but hey. Why do others matter in this reason? Let’s try to forget that.

1. League of legends. While I don’t think I’m a good league of legends player because I definitely can’t lane top or mid well, I know FOR SURE that I’m a good support player. No matter what my toxic teammates say. No matter what the results of the game is. I know if I have a really good carry, then I will cause them to exponentially play better. Cuz that’s how I am as a player. In basketball, that’s known as a facilitator, and that FOR SURE is what I am able to do, especially if they’re able to work with me. That may not matter to others who don’t even know what a league of legend is, but to me that matters.

2. I think I am able to perceive other people’s decisions and perspectives pretty well. Gotta stop saying think. These are reasons that I can say FOR SURE. I am able to receive other people’s decisions and perspectives pretty well. Especially if they talk it out with me, I can pretty much understand what people are going through, and I will almost always try to look at it through multiple sides. I always say there’s two sides of every story and I always try to look at it through both sides.

As I’m trying to think of a third reason to praise myself, it’s funny to think that it feels like I’m basically making a resume for being a friend for myself. On that resume it says, “very good support player, Leona main btw” and “able to step into shoes of others.” Literally it’s a paper that just says those two lines. That I’m giving to myself. Haha. Maybe I am funny after all.

...

Just writing this for me. In order for me to accept other people’s love, I have to have love for myself. 

I don’t have much time to write other stuff and flesh that out, but I’ll write that later.

I mean anyone who knows me, knows that games are a huge part of my life. I lug around huge boxes of board games just on the off chance someone actually wants to play. I have a tub of Nintendo Switch equipment whenever I play Smash at someone's house. But how big of an impact were they on me?

Thinking back I can't even remember when we got the Super Nintendo. I guess it was just there when I could start remembering as a kid. Super Mario World and Donkey Kong Country 2 were the main games we had. There was also this Pagemaster game that was based on the movie? it was pretty creepy and I never finished it. I actually never really beat any of those games as a kid until way later haha. But that's what I had as a kid.

We got the Nintendo 64 later, which I vaguely remember, which came with Pokemon Stadium, which is literally just a Pokemon Battle Simulator. Looking back, that game wasn't really all that fun since you had to go through 4 rounds of battles, and if you lost, you had to start all over which would lose a lot of time haha. We had a few other games too but then we got Smash. Smash is the game that would carry into one of my favorite games of all time. I remember playing other fighting games, like Street Fighter, and not understanding the game. Why does down-downforward-forward-punch = fireball? The convoluted inputs and the lack of tutorials for such inputs caused me to not really play them as much, but Smash was pretty simple for me to understand. I would love to get more into this, but fighting game design is another topic for another day. 

As a kid, my dad had a navy buddy who had kids around my age. We would go over to their house and we would play all these games. They had the SNES and the N64 just like us, but they owned a lot more games than us and we just play a bunch of stuff and have fun. I somehow remember playing those Kirby 64 mini games. Out of anything I remember, in our time in San Diego, it probably had to do with my childhood video games. I remember the Mario Party game nights, the Donkey Kong 64 shootouts, the team Smash Bros battles. I loved those games, even though I just owned Super Smash Bros. I enjoyed playing games with others.

Still as a kid, I also remember getting that Pokemon Master Trainer board game, which that and playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game was probably the start of me liking card/board games. But the thing about board games, is you need other people to play with. The only other person I had was my brother, and he didn’t really want to play most of the time. So that was always put on the side, and at least I could play video games almost all of the time.

I never had a Gamecube growing up, so that era of games (Gamecube, PS2, Xbox) was all skipped. However, I did go to my cousin’s house like a lot. Plus, we would also go back to our childhood friends every once in a while. So while I didn’t have a Gamecube, I still was able to play a lot of the cool games on there. Highlights include Melee, Mario Party, Kirby’s Air Ride, FF:Crystal Chronicles. It was also that one of my brother’s friends gave us his Gamecube after they got a Wii, and the only game on that? Melee. Plus, as we got internet, we watched so much Melee matches, and that we would also play Melee at friends houses. So Super Smash Bros. Melee, became one of the top games for me. Plus, we would have tournaments, and I would consistently be at the top of my friends.

I’m 26. All the people I graduated with, all have kids, all have wives. All have people who care if they come home at night.

The end of the last decade (2010-2019) wasn't so great for me. I was pretty much sad most of the time and mentally, I don't think I was the greatest. But I started doing some self-examination. Today is January 2, 2020 and I'm writing this on my bed at 1:24 AM after having a great time with friends on my day off.

I think 2020 will be time for me to start moving myself up both mentally and physically too. I have the potential and it's time for me to start using that potential energy into kinetic energy and move forward.

I think I'm in a position where I can grow. I can almost forget about the mistakes I've done, and move past them. Plus, the new people I'm with now don't have that bad impressions of me. It's almost a clean slate.

In two years, I will hopefully have proven my calculus teacher wrong. He will have predicted my future incorrectly. And hopefully that it will never be true. Will I be able to hold my composure? Or maybe he just wanted me to prove my wrong cuz he knows how hard I try to prove someone wrong.

Physically, I can improve myself. Starting off, I have a backpacking trip that I can prepare for. I need to start working out so that I'm not a hot mess during the trip and I can handle myself. Hopefully I can use that to get me in better shape, and not get so tired after running the court in basketball too.

Mentally, I have what it takes to get out of this rut. I have to continue to look at things more positively. Things don't have to be perfect. Sometimes the imperfections are the best qualities of certain things. Plus, I have to be more active and not so passive. I am in control of this life and I can control where my life moves.

I'm 25. Will I read this at 35 and wow I didn't think I could go even lower? No, I can't. It must not happen. I will improve. I can do it. I must have.

Determination.

My goodness did I just quote Undertale? I hope I don't cringe at this at 35.