Production.
My therapist advised me to start a journal. I do want to write stuff thatâs on my mind but there was always something that was preventing me from doing it. Itâs probably more internal things in my head that are preventing myself from writing journal entriesÂ
Okay. So, Iâm noticing it more now. Iâm not able to enjoy things by myself. I canât just play video games now, because I get bored of playing by myself after a few minutes. Itâs probably the same with like TV shows, which I donât really watch shows either. Itâs like when I start playing something, thereâs something in the back of my mind that says that I need to do something else.
And maybe thatâs cuz there are things that Iâm just procrastinating on. We got a whole list of things. Clean room, laundry, wash bedding, start and finish a programming projects, etc. And Iâm just too lazy to do it all. I didnât even do anything on this Saturday, I couldâve started it, but I just went game hopping, trying to make myself feel satisfied. And at the end of the day, I donât feel satisfied at all. Iâm disappointed in myself because I failed at making myself feel satisfied. I feel like I only feel that way if Iâm around other people. I never really feel unsatisfied after a hangout with friends. Except that one Saturday (bar-hopping) but I think thatâs a fluke. Is there a way I can feel this way by myself?
Iâm trying to think of stuff that my therapist said. âIn order to love others, you need to love yourself.â Is that the reason I canât enjoy things by myself? Because I donât have love for myself?
Hmmmm...Iâm thinking. Do I think I would be able to hangout with myself? Would I enjoy hanging out with myself? Iâm telling myself no, but I need to list out reasons. If I canât even hang out with myself, what makes me think that others want to hang out me. But others do want to hang with me. All of my friends always assure me. So why is it that when I get one actual day to myself, I go crazy in trying to satisfy myself? Okay, reasons.
Reasons why wouldnât I want to hang out with myself. .... Iâm trying to think of reasons, but my friends, bless them, have reassured me that it isnât the case. Like I donât think the jokes I make are funny, but others laugh. I...canât...seem...to...praise myself. Ugh, itâs like every time Iâm thinking of something, my mind seems to think of something else. Like look at what Iâve been writing. I went from my problem being not being able to enjoy myself, to not being able to hang out with myself, to not being able to praise myself.
...
Okay. Letâs take this one step at a time. Not being able to praise myself. There HAS to be something you can honestly praise yourself with NO DOUBT in your mind.
...
These are gonna be some lame reasons, lame as in others will NOT CARE, but hey. Why do others matter in this reason? Letâs try to forget that.
1. League of legends. While I donât think Iâm a good league of legends player because I definitely canât lane top or mid well, I know FOR SURE that Iâm a good support player. No matter what my toxic teammates say. No matter what the results of the game is. I know if I have a really good carry, then I will cause them to exponentially play better. Cuz thatâs how I am as a player. In basketball, thatâs known as a facilitator, and that FOR SURE is what I am able to do, especially if theyâre able to work with me. That may not matter to others who donât even know what a league of legend is, but to me that matters.
2. I think I am able to perceive other peopleâs decisions and perspectives pretty well. Gotta stop saying think. These are reasons that I can say FOR SURE. I am able to receive other peopleâs decisions and perspectives pretty well. Especially if they talk it out with me, I can pretty much understand what people are going through, and I will almost always try to look at it through multiple sides. I always say thereâs two sides of every story and I always try to look at it through both sides.
As Iâm trying to think of a third reason to praise myself, itâs funny to think that it feels like Iâm basically making a resume for being a friend for myself. On that resume it says, âvery good support player, Leona main btwâ and âable to step into shoes of others.â Literally itâs a paper that just says those two lines. That Iâm giving to myself. Haha. Maybe I am funny after all.
...
Hey, maybe I did do something productive after all.


















