#rantsundercovington

I think I’ve gotten the surge of trolls under control and blocked and reported enough. It’s also easier to deal with now that my p/m/d/d symptoms have calmed down and I’m not set to emotionally destruct even without stuff happening.

Last week got a little rough. Ha.te.ma.il isn’t great, but not the worst. But when some of it comes in the disguise of an accusation of unknowingly breaking a DNI, I can’t just brush that off as trolling and ignore it no matter how unlikely it is to be true, and that was where I struggled.

I’m glad that the accusations were untrue, as it’s never my intention to make anyone I interact with uncomfortable and please if I ever am because I’m not aware of something or I need to add a cw tag that I haven’t thought of, please reach out to me! And even at that, I never suspected any members of this community who are real friends of the user I had supposedly made uncomfortable would make attacks through asks, let alone send asks with derogatory language and ableist slurs. So I really don’t want anyone to feel bad about me getting aggressive anons. My biggest concern has been making sure I hadn’t actually broken a DNI and made someone uncomfortable, and properly addressing and owning that mistake if I had.

Those asks were reported and deleted before I had a chance to properly pull it together enough to address everything, because I couldn’t stop looking at them, and they were taking a toll on my mental health. Though the worst it led to was a panic attack while I was driving on the freeway, and thankfully I was able to keep it under control until I could get off. Now that I know it was all crap, and I’ve had some time to process that, it doesn’t have that power over me anymore, even if staff take months to get to the reports.

If that anon is still lurking here, the one word I have is busted.

So this at least appears to be settled for now. Hopefully for good.

I posted my first art yesterday, and I got my first hate asks overnight from three separate blank accounts. I’m not sure what that means when I didn’t use any fandom tags. It didn’t seem to be related to the art, but the way it happened makes me fear that a past creative partner I had a falling out with has found me even with a different art style and trying to create a separate identity here. They have stalked me before. If they have found me, then I don’t know what that means yet. Other than that they’ve probably been on my trail longer than I know. Because I barely have any following and I don’t know who else would do this.

I’ve been here just long enough to not want to leave even though I’m still scared over every post I make. I don’t want to leave when this blog has been an effort to reclaim enjoying things that I couldn’t when wounds from that experience were too fresh.