Day #7 of Therapy Repercussion
So my lovely therapist suggested that I start talking to my partner in detail about my anxiety. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety which means it's always there. Now, I've always talkrd to my boyfriend about it was bad but never how it was the rest of the time. My partner has always been supportive. We both suffer from mental issues but they're just different from each other and this was a way to show him that I'm just as fucked up. He said he wanted to take this on and stand by me through it, so I held nothing back. Now what's frustrating is that he hasn't been doing anything to help on the day to day. My number one fear is death. It is losing someone I love or dying myself and not knowing what happens next. Now I totally get his head issues and why he does the pure stupid shit he does. I've put up with it for a long time but after going to therapy, I'm tired of fighting sleepless nights, nail biting, anxiety, upset stomach because his dumbass self wants to go running in the woods at night and not communicate with me at all when this is going on. I love this kid, I do but sometimes I would like to be a concern for him or even someone he takes into consideration when he does this shit but he doesn't. Last night, he decided it was a swell idea to go drive to the gym to workout because he was in a bad head space. Cool, fine except maybe WHEN THERE IS A STATE OF EMERGENCY IN AFFECT BECAUSE OF SNOWMEGADEN(aka the giant storm that hit where I'm from with a foot of snow). Like I get that the roads might not look bad to you or whatever but you can be arrested for doing that as well as hi, I panic over the thought of you dying like no one's business but he fought against me so hard. Like he didn't care that I was fighting off an anxiety attack at the thought of him crashing (Like he did 2 years ago in similar conditions). I totally get that he was in a bad head space and I offered him numerous other suggestions but it wasn't what HE WANTED so therefore it was fine to then trigger me into a bad head space because at least he'd get what he wanted. It hurt a lot because I just finally opened the flood gates of this shit and this was his first response to me pleading with him. My family stepped in because they love him and they love me and didn't want him to do something stupid and hurt himself. Yes, I realize hearing my step dad tell him if you want to do this you'll do this without the support of this family hurt him hard but at the same time, he didn't mind hurting me. My family was thinking of how I, in my fragile mind space, would deal with something bad happening to him. Yeah it sucked for him and it sucked for me to but he didn't do it and honestly that's all my anxiety needed him to do so if that means he won't talk to me for days, so be it. At least he is alive. //end rant
