look we absolutely do talk about how much chronic pain messes you up
but the continuous part of me looks at the last three days and holy shit
like on tuesday i had nothing. no focus, no willpower, barely enough cognisance to pull together a few of the threads i'm working on in my day job. might have been silent migraine postdrome, might have been hormonal, might have been the recent local government changes here in the uk (they were bad)
and then yesterday i was clear and focused and getting things done. i was making progress on a meaty work project and on top of the chores and even setting aside some time to write and engage with fellow writers, and i felt good and whole and like this is the way i want to keep being
and then today i was back through the floor again, but this time it was active pain from my fucked up joints and even though i was fully aware of everything that needed doing and all those threads of my day job were pullable and weavable, the pain itself was loud enough to just stop me functioning until 8pm (yes i took my painkillers), and fuck me, when the pain finally moved on i was left with this absolute hole. not despair, despair is bigger and headier - this was just a lump of ice just tucked in under my ribcage, something like loneliness but just a little bit adjacent, something that says nowhere will ever feel like home.
and this is all one person, right? this is all me, one continuous person, one chain of experience, in three completely different states over three days (and frequently a lot quicker than that) and i am so tired of the change. i just want to lie somewhere quiet and warm and comfortable, with friends and with nothing to do, until I choose to get up.
