#rannt

No, that is not how it works. I don’t even live in the US anymore and I know Trump needs to be convicted first and then everyone else has to go through their own impeachment process AND get convicted for them to also be removed from power. Americans need to know how their own legal system works better.

The funniest thing is - despite having a narcissistic family, and a crazy narcissistic mother, I have a home I can come to if I need. I have often complained about my family, and many of the things my mother has told me - "You are a slut", "You can't do anything right", "You are a burden", "You have to leave" etc. - I know it sounds crazy, but Southern Italian families are like that.

And the funniest thing is that I have gone out into the world, but maybe I have experienced the worst part of it. But the thing that makes me most angry is the young Italians that decide to never, ever leave home and have a perfect life here. They are happy, they never had to pay for rent, they never fought tooth and nails to keep a job, a house. And they are so perfect and stylish.

I hate that. I hate people who have never been expats. I also hate myself a little bit. I also hate the friends who managed to make it in their chosen country simply because it was easier there and they could speak the language. I hate that I don't have a mentor.

I hate that I make friends with everyone simply because I have no friends - I never did, tbh.

Narcissistic families are bad. But narcissistic friends are also bad.

I hate it that my dad died and my dog died and they were the only ones I loved and who loved me in return.

I hate it that when I went abroad, I wasn't cunning enough.

Some of my so called "friends" I hate and envy a lot at the same time. So much.

My family is completely disrupted. My psychiatrist used to tell me:"there are no rules in your family", and she was so right.

The funny thing is, most of my friends' families are exactly like mine and they turned out to be as narcissistic as their parents.

So when your family - the only thing you have in the world - ends up being a cage of nutcases, whom do you turn to?

To friends.

And if you have no friends?

So in less than 2 days I have to hand in my final version of my graduation project. A little context: I already tried to graduate once, and failed. Mostly due to my own inaction. I’ve done a lot more research this time, used design methods and stuff, I feel like I’ve done everything I should’ve in order to graduate. Now I’m struggling to piece together this damn documents, my head is so full of all the information that this document is supposed to display. Writing this document, justifying what feels like every breath I’ve taken since starting the project, is the absolute least favourite thing of my entire school career. I feel like I’m bad at communicating on paper about what I’ve done, so that’s just that little biting thing, that little voice in the back of my mind that’s slowly tearing me down.

What if I don’t make it again.

I know it makes no sense, I should meet all the competences, should be able to defend myself, but still. I still feel like I could’ve done more, if I could just be left to work in a team on a single project, if I could be let loose from all the things I need to show school, if, if, if. I don’t feel like I’ve lived up to my full potential. I also haven’t been as motivated. I get distracted easily. If and when I leave this project, I’ll leave it behind me with a bit of a sour taste. All for that little bit of paper that says, “You’ve done this bit of education nobody is really sure of what it means.”

I just want to finish it. I want to leave. I’m scared of the future, but who isn’t. I’ll have to get out of my comfort zone. I just hope my entire working career isn’t like this. My view on life is that one shouldn’t do anything that makes them unhappy in the long run. Life it too short to be stuck for 8+ hours a day in a job you dislike. If you don’t enjoy most of your time, what’s the point of life?