#randomshitpost

* Remaking 2 years old jsab / tpc art !

So today I was feeling sentimental. I decided to go through a couple of old boxes from our garage that held thousands of pictures. They were all Kodak pictures that had been printed from Walgreen's or CVS. There was a total of three boxes. The first that I opened were all the developed pictures of my brother. I didn’t spend much time in this box, and moved onto the second box. This box had many pictures of my from the time I was about 3/4 years old until maybe 6 years old (signified the end of the Kodak era). The last box held 2 things. Pictures of me as a newborn until around 3 years old, and my parents.

The first thing in the box was this photo frame.

For my parent’s privacy, I blurred about their faces. Aside from the very obvious 90′s style their wedding had, I also was shocked. Growing up, I could tell my parents didn’t get along. For as long as I could remember, they never seemed to communicate or agree with much. Whether it was bickering, or sitting on opposite sides of a room, it wasn’t hard for me to understand their relationship was strained. Although they aren’t divorced, and I grew up living with both of them, I felt like there was something missing. Love. I remember going to friend’s houses and seeing their parents have this bond that mine didn’t. I always missed out on the cringiness of seeing my parents kiss and hug or hold hands. They don’t even celebrate their anniversary. These photos were the first time I had seen them kiss.

When I saw these photos, I just sat, and stared. Of course you can’t see, but they are both smiling at each other, looking into each other’s eyes. And they seem genuinely happy to be with each other. And in the last box there was also thousands of pictures of me.

Not only were there pictures of me and my parents before I was born, but there were also little things. Some of my art projects from preschool, and little cards from me for Father’s Day and Mother’s day. But there were also cards to my parents from each other. They said things like “you are the love of my life”, and “I will love you until the very end”. Kind of cringy for me to read it now, but I was still in shock. Because again, I never witnessed my parents love.

And I sat there, in my room on my bed just confused. How could these two people, were so deep in love for each other drift apart? What happened to make them be the way they are today? Those two people in the wedding photos look to foreign to me, but at the same time too similar.

It’s this moment that I question everything. What if I find someone someday that I am so in love with, and we end up like my parents? I know I want to be a mom, and I don’t want to raise my kids in a similar environment. I want my kids to be raised in an environment where my partner and I can show our love for each other and our kids.  Is it easy to fall out of love? How often does this happen? Am I set up to have the same outcome? Staying with someone in a bond because I don’t want my children to have to bounce between my home and my partner’s after a divorce?

Everything that I do, every decision that I make in my life is for one purpose. To do better for myself and my future. I live my life getting the best grades, and do every extra-curricular imaginable to not only make my parents proud, but to also have an even better life set up for myself. My mama always told me to look at my life when I grew up, and strive to do better than her and my dad could. To take every opportunity and advantage thrown at me to get one step closer to my goals.