#ramblingswithoutvalue

I really don’t either. I’m trying to evoke passion back into my life that belongs to me. I got into a relationship right after high school, when I was just getting started in college, and quickly picked up on my boyfriend’s interests. I thought I knew who I was, but I had no clue what the world was like around me. It seemed so different when you had an institution looking after you for 13 years, and then it’s suddenly time to do your own fucking thing.

What?

How am I to know what the hell is going on? I don’t know what anyone is like, I don’t know what my opinion of them is, I don’t know why my opinions are changing so rapidly, I don’t know if it’s healthy to be so damn clueless about everything. In that odd institution, I felt like I was on top of everything and each experience was mine to conquer... but all of a sudden, I was the youngest and most inexperienced again. 

I never made huge strides in high school, and that’s my fault, but now I have to learn to love ambition. I was unemployed for half this year before successfully finding a job, and I thought that time would be filled some of my best thoughts. It would be a time of great reflection and I would always be very active and build up the energy to pursue my future. Yet, I quickly fell into doubt and despair over what is to come. Feeling so unproductive and unfinished, I doubted there was much in life to look forward to. Like, how can anyone be happy going to work all the time, seeing the same faces, doing the same job, having to abandon their beds and leisure to be somewhere for a large amount of their 24 hours? But, as I became employed again, I began to think that that’s not all there is. It’s not the end game to pursue a job with better pay and making income the root of your life. It’s about love and the people you get to see when you come home. 

You’re free to think of the people that make you happy anytime of the day and bring those little pieces of them with you. You could think of their laugh or smile or how they hold you so tightly. You could think of how special it is to love and miss someone and truly care about their day and what they’re hoping to get done. Since, chances are, they also have a full schedule that they don’t want to circle around in, but they think of you and the love they have for you and push through. 

I've tried this out before and I can never get the words to flow. I'm not sure whether they want me to write about who they are as a person or how they've affected me. But that's not the only obstacle.

A boy had once asked me what I wrote about in my spare time and after telling him that I wrote about everything from coffee to summer days, he asked me to write about him. So I promised that I'd get something out and I've yet to come up with something satisfactory. I mean, I could write down my thoughts on his character and tell him in a few short words how amazing he is, but it'd be lacking honesty and insight. Though, insight to what I'm not sure.

I've actually already wrote something about him here on this blog, but I'd never show him that. It's something that I've written for myself and strangers that I'll never meet. Something deep and personal -- which is odd considering I show it off to unknown people.