Paper Lungs

I'm not sure if it's a disconnect from myself and what I truly love or what, but there is something amiss with myself right now. I have felt it for a while, but I haven't been able to keep it under wraps anymore and it stares me in the face, always reflected back at me. I hate to even think that something isn't right -- why should I be unhappy? I have what I need and a full life to live ahead of me. Friends that care for me (though I convince myself they don't, not sure if that's rude), a loving family with married parents, a wonderful fiancé, and a steady job.

But each time I'm overcome with sadness from nowhere in particular, I always look inward. There is something -- actually, many things that are bothering me and must be addressed, but I also sadistically enjoy tying my hands up, I guess. It's not a pretty expression when I feel like this, either. Sometimes I can relate the depth of my confusion, denial, and despair to a pit and make it almost lyrical in it's cadence, but more often now I'm scared to pick up a pen or write a post because it's just shit. Could also be the depression talking, so maybe I'll just push through and practice writing to find out.

I'm uncomfortable around my family right now. I called my parents sobbing after a particularly bad night out with friends, and now they all know I feel like this. They're trying to surround me with love and warmth, which I know, but it makes me think of it and all the warring feelings I deal with each day and it can be a lot. Suffering is relative, so me having a loving family and freaking out about it tells you I'm a pussy with an easy life. Lol.

I really wanna be more mature than I am. Really be able to be empathetic, compassionate, and loving in ways that aren’t so selfish. Like, it’s good to be concerned with yourself and really find out who you are and what you’re doing, yet we have to be careful to not get sucked up into our own reality. I’m a bit confused, honestly. And my ponytail is making me sleepy and giving me a headache at the same time. And the rain sounds outside are also adding to that sleepiness. I just wanna lay down. 

...

Life is so weird. I’m gonna be at this house, with the receipt of our last grocery trip taped to the door, all three screens of entertainment keeping me cozy in this room, and the sound of Victor talking about zombies and slenderman in the background for only a short time in my life. I’m gonna be out of this house and onto my own space with the one I love and get to determine how each of my nights will go. 

I’m really enjoying going to see my friends from high school often. They’re all quite like-minded and really comforting to be around. We all make the same jokes and like the same weird music and just yeah. Grew up a little together. 

I really don’t either. I’m trying to evoke passion back into my life that belongs to me. I got into a relationship right after high school, when I was just getting started in college, and quickly picked up on my boyfriend’s interests. I thought I knew who I was, but I had no clue what the world was like around me. It seemed so different when you had an institution looking after you for 13 years, and then it’s suddenly time to do your own fucking thing.

What?

How am I to know what the hell is going on? I don’t know what anyone is like, I don’t know what my opinion of them is, I don’t know why my opinions are changing so rapidly, I don’t know if it’s healthy to be so damn clueless about everything. In that odd institution, I felt like I was on top of everything and each experience was mine to conquer... but all of a sudden, I was the youngest and most inexperienced again. 

I never made huge strides in high school, and that’s my fault, but now I have to learn to love ambition. I was unemployed for half this year before successfully finding a job, and I thought that time would be filled some of my best thoughts. It would be a time of great reflection and I would always be very active and build up the energy to pursue my future. Yet, I quickly fell into doubt and despair over what is to come. Feeling so unproductive and unfinished, I doubted there was much in life to look forward to. Like, how can anyone be happy going to work all the time, seeing the same faces, doing the same job, having to abandon their beds and leisure to be somewhere for a large amount of their 24 hours? But, as I became employed again, I began to think that that’s not all there is. It’s not the end game to pursue a job with better pay and making income the root of your life. It’s about love and the people you get to see when you come home. 

You’re free to think of the people that make you happy anytime of the day and bring those little pieces of them with you. You could think of their laugh or smile or how they hold you so tightly. You could think of how special it is to love and miss someone and truly care about their day and what they’re hoping to get done. Since, chances are, they also have a full schedule that they don’t want to circle around in, but they think of you and the love they have for you and push through.