#ramadhan2013

I have an uncle who has Tourette's. He's two years older than me.  ... I love stories. This place, though, isn't the right one to tell some of them particularly when they aren't mine to begin with. ... Tourette's, for those who aren't familiar with the term, is a condition where "you make unusual movements or sounds or tics (that) you have no control over. Common tics are throat-clearing and blinking. You may repeat words, spin, or, rarely, blurt out swear words."  ... The only stories I should allow myself to tell here can only be mine. ... I've never heard my uncle swear. His "tics", as far as I have known, are more facial and bodily; sudden movements that unnerve and sort of make you both worry about it and also worry about whether he can tell you're noticing/worrying about it. This is probably only a problem if you're not used to it yet, like practically every little thing that is strikingly different about someone you've just met: a mega tall guy, a black person, an unbelievably pretty girl, someone with two noses.  ... The stories you tell about yourself are stories about the person you want people to think of you as. Like all stories, facts have nothing to do with it as in like they might be completely true or false or as is usually the case, based on a true story and this doesn't matter when you're telling it. It's only the story that matters and what isn't the story gets edited out, or shaped or transformed and anyway how can you ever tell a story that includes everything?

The narrative here usually, when you meet or interact with someone who is, quote-unquote, less fortunate, is that you're reminded of how lucky and blessed you are and maybe how much you are now able to empathize. This, sadly, rarely lasts too long until the next big experience, the next reminder. Sometimes this cycle is enough to convince yourself that you are good, you are kind, you empathize. Sometimes, instead, you realise that shit I am such a huge ass. ... The trick lies in allowing yourself to adjust, to get used to it, to get over it. The difficulty lies in finding the want to perform this trick. ... You get older, you get ready to leave a place, you look back, you realise that yeah, there have been a lot of moments you were a huge ass, probably even the worst kind of asshole, the kind who was both unaware of it and deeply convinced that he isn't one. ... My uncle (paraphrased/storified): "My army friend, he told me that maybe this sickness is a message from God, that it means I shouldn't live my life all worried and stressed out but happy and content. When I'm stressed, It gets really really bad but when I'm happy, It doesn't affect me. I thought about it and I'm thinking, yes, maybe it means God wants me to work towards being happy." ... DFW (I keep quoting him and feel really pretentious but sorry) put it best I think when he talked about this "natural default setting", or "when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world, and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities." I believe that there are some special people who ARE naturally, by default, good and loving, blind to physical, meaningless differences, constantly assuming the best of others and are basically not stuck on this setting. I've met some of these people. They are amazing and wonderful. I'm not one of them. It sounds obvious, I hate how it sounds like I think I'm trying to convince people who might think I am otherwise or something, but I need to put this here as a simple statement. I have been living much of my life on the natural default setting. ... My granduncle (again BOATS): "Everyone tells you to pray 'for God', cos God tells you to, because it's an order. And that's true, I'm not saying that's not true. But also, and this isn't said so much, we pray for ourselves. Because it's good for us in the many different ways that it's good for us, and so it's worth it to put effort into it. God doesn't need your prayer, ultimately. But you need it." ... This isn't really a story. At least it's not a very interesting one, there's no real plot and the narrator likes to talk in circles and repeating themes that he's talked about endlessly which just makes you want to shout at him STOP WASTING MY TIME!! But, with the end of this series of enlightement-searching posts, the point I keep wanting to make to myself is that you can't just wake up one morning and be enlightened. You can't just tell yourself that one day, I'll get there without taking steps in that general direction first. Maybe you can, maybe like some stories you can have one life-changing moment which flips your switch and turns everything around and you can go THIS IS IT, I am now who I always wanted to be. I don't want to count on that though. What if there is no moment? What if there is, what if there are countless moments that have come and gone and will come and go unless you open your eyes and heart to be ready for it, that life-changing moment of enlightenment? What if all there is is the constant need to make the choice of either operating on that default setting or struggling against it everyday? ... My uncle and his whole family are inspiring because of their struggle. ... And here, now, buried under all that text, I want to seek forgiveness from everyone. There are a lot of people I should seek forgiveness from. It's easier for me to do it for some of them, friends mostly, because I know (hope) that whatever I've done, yknw, it isn't thaat bad. Some are more difficult. I hope that one day, soon, I have the guts to actually do this to the people I really need to, the people closest to me, the people who love me unconditionally, even if I don't ever need to seek forgiveness from them because I know they already forgive me everyday. I hope one day I can do it. I hope there's time. I hope that I stop needing reminders. I hope no one reads this.

But if someone is, Eid Mubarak and selamat hari raya.