Nicholas deciding he wants a streak of red in the middle of his bangs. Him complaining in the bathroom and staining things red until Seiji finally comes to help. Nick sitting quietly while Seiji carefully paints his hair red. Seiji having to sit on Nick’s lap to get the underside. Nick asking if Seiji is wearing nice clothes. Seiji responding that he’s wearing shitty clothes bc he’s literally dying Nicholas’ hair and that gets messy. Nick smirking and swiping Seiji’s shirt with the dye. Them beginning to flick the red dye at each other, until everything gets so stained Nick has to take off his tank top and they have to immediately clean. Nick picking up toothpaste and baking soda, claiming it’s the easiest way to get it out, and he’s worked a lot of part time jobs so he’d know. Them cleaning together, and fighting and laughing and teasing the whole time. Seiji forgetting to close the curtain fully before going to bed. Nicholas and Seiji falling asleep, facing each other, eye contact slowly fading as their eyes close
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uhm so like it’s called letters to myself and it’s Seiji having a bad time and a lot of self hatred and OCD and being unable to move on and yeah and ok thanks!!!!
“Jesse,
My therapist is having me do this. I’m in her office currently. I won’t be showing her this. I’m not even talking to Jesse, just myself. Gina says it’s to “get my feelings out”…
-Seiji”
wow wow enticing isn’t it you should like totally go read wahaaaaaaat anyways POEM BOMB 💥💥💥💥 and yes this is in the fic shhhhhh go read ittttt…
hate
i didnt think i was capable of hating until i walked out of your life
the pieces fell into place
the panic, the worrying, the eggshells
your illusion of a safety net that im too familiar with
the safety net i occupy with those that arent you
you
you with your first degree burn
you in a word
you laying facing away
in a deserted rocky plain
if you are the sun
i am the dark side of the moon
the new moon
the other solar system
the asteroids that burn in your atmosphere
how romantic for a bitch
how romantic for a prude
how romantic for a whore
addicted to hate and harm and porn
shoving bugs into your mouth
gnash teeth to chew
hate
how much have i begun to hate since i walked out of your life?
you, only you
when i see reminders of you im scared
scared youll be back
someone mentioned a game you showed me
the color light blue and dogs
i still have your address memorized
i wish i could send live bees just to confuse you
but the silent treatment works and the silent treatment is what you preferred
but was it all my fault for being a child and depressed and unwell
content warning for OCD spiral + general anxiety attack
Seiji paced the floor. He’d withdrawn the curtain between his and Nicholas’ side of the room, which his brain had screamed at him for, but it was for the greater good.
Something bad was going to happen.
He hadn’t figured out what yet. But he needed to postpone it until he figured it out, so he paced in ovals from the head of his bed, to the door, to the bathroom door, then to the head of Nicholas’ bed. He had an hour to figure out what was going to happen.
The door opened, and Nicholas entered. Scratch that, he had to figure out what was going to happen now. Nicholas wasn’t supposed to be back in the dorm for another hour- a clear sign that Seiji was right and something bad was approaching.
“Uh… Seiji?” Nicholas asked, pensive. “Are you ok?”
Seiji’s head snapped towards the boy. “I’m alright, thank you for your concern.” A terrible thought struck him. “Are you alright??”
Nicholas thought about it for a moment. “Yeah? I’m pretty sure.”
“Why are you back early?” Seiji demanded. He hadn’t stopped pacing, arms stiff by his side.
“Eugene had something to do so I just came back- dude are you seriously alright??”
Seiji paused. Immediately a terrible, oppressive sense of foreboding sank into him. He continued to walk. “Something bad is going to happen, Nicholas,” he imparted.
“Ok. What’s going to happen?” Nicholas asked. Seiji shook his head.
“I’m unsure.”
This entire situation was unsettling. Occasionally, he could tell a bad thing was going to happen. He had a ritual to help prevent it. He’d call Jesse Coste, Jesse would tell him it wasn’t going to happen and he was being crazy, he would run a mile, he would shower for 10 minutes, and if the bad thing was still going to happen, he would warn his parents.
He could not call Jesse Coste. His ritual was messed up.
Nicholas made a face that indicated he was thinking, which was unusual outside of the salle. “Alright, ok. What can I do so the bad thing doesn’t happen?”
What.
“What?”
“Sometimes my friend back home would get like this. She thought fires would burn down the school or that everyone they love would die,” Nicholas expanded.
Seiji stiffened and stopped pacing, wringing his fingers in his hands instead. “Alright. Alright then. What did she do to prevent this?”
Nicholas thought about it more, which was a bit unsettling. “Usually she’d remind herself that a lot of her scenarios were unrealistic and take a nap.”
“I can’t do that,” Seiji immediately blurted. Fear welled up in his chest, limbs heavy. His brain felt foggy, a lighthouse of panic being all he could detect.
“Ok,” Nicholas nodded. “You don’t have to. What do you usually do?”
Seiji recited his ritual. “I call Jesse, Jesse would tell me I’m crazy and that nothing was going to happen, I’d run a mile, shower for 15 minutes, then tell my parents to be aware.”
“Ok, well I’m not calling you crazy,” Nicholas immediately said. “You can still run and shower. Or we can start a new plan.”
Seiji’s muscles seized. “How will we know it’ll work, though?”
“It’s a trial run. We’ll try something new, if something bad doesn’t happen, we’ll know it works,” Nicholas explained. He’d been standing by the door the whole time, but only just closed it.
“And if something bad does happen?” Seiji felt his voice shake.
“We’ll get there when we get there.” Nicholas’ face was a rare serious determination, but also something Seiji couldn’t identify. Something kinder.
“Fine. What do you suggest?”
They ended up drawing together. Both sitting on Seiji’s bed, with sheets of lined paper on textbook covers. Nicholas was drawing Seiji. Seiji was failing at drawing a cat, so he instead began to draw Nicholas.
He looked down at his demented Nick. “I think I’m not very good at drawing.”
Nicholas shrugged. “Eh, it’s alright. It took me years to finally be happy with my art.”
Years? How did Nicholas learn to fence if he was busy drawing?
“I suppose,” is what came out instead.
Seiji was beginning to doubt drawing would prevent the bad event. He still felt that foreboding ache in his stomach.
“Are you sure this will help?” He asked, voice quieter than intended.
Nicholas nodded. “I’m sure. Uh- quick question, if a bad thing does happen, will it be your fault?”
That was closer to his normal ridiculous questions. “Of course it would be. That’s why I can not let it happen, or I would be a terrible person and the victim would…” he trailed off. He’d never even tell Jesse his motivations for preventing terrible events. Why was he telling Nicholas?
The boy waited nonetheless.
“They’d hate me,” he finished. Succinct, final.
Nicholas nodded. “I don’t think anyone could actually hate you.”
What an odd sentiment. Wrong, but odd.
“Ok.”
They continued to draw. Eventually the anxiety lessened, and no bad thing happened.
Seiji realized he was over complicating things before. The terrible events didn’t happen because he stayed out of it- so if he just stayed out of things and warned people, it wouldn’t happen. It would be much better than his old badgering and constant precautions. He’d have to thank Nicholas for helping him see that at some point.
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DAY 3 OF FENCE SUMMER NATIONALS WOOOOOOO MY FIC FOR IT IS RIGHT HERE
lwk I wrote almost all of that fic while having a panic attack so if none of it makes sense just don’t worry abt it ok? ok thank you
And now… for today’s collages!!!
I did all the coaches
help this took forever and I DIDNT EVEN DO LEWIS :(((( im so sorry Lewis i just don’t have time or energy to hunt for a good screenshot to use and decide a color i am running on empty here
@fencesummernationals woooooooo
and now for the fence summer nationals moving update I HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING I AM NOW IM ARIZONA !!!! its so fucking hot here im sweating balls bro. Like back home (well ig not home anymore I’m. Moving.) I could sit outside for like 5 minutes during spring and sweat through three layers. Admittedly we had a very humid spring and this is a dry heat (which I do prefer) BUT GODDAMN I THINK I NEED ELECTROLYTES 😭😭😭 my cousins do have a guitar tho so I’ve been working on my haiden song with it woooo
FENCE SUMMER NATIONALS DAY 5 I cheer from the top of my lungs!!! Today’s fic is HEREEEE
now for today I did collages of all the girls team girls bc I love them and they deserve the world ❤️❤️❤️
Unnamed girly number one mm hmmm mm hmmm I call her Kaliyah bc I used to go to church with a girl who looks exactly like this and her name was Kaliyah so I just stole her name ❤️🥹 I went with like a whimsical turquoise aesthetic bc I think she is a whimsical cottagecore lesbian who longs to be a fairy in the forest that also fences
Ok now we got Adrienne mm hmmm yess I went with a neon blue for her bc I think that she is neon blue. that’s all that’s the only reason I just thought so I did. I think she has repressed a lot of anger and resentment and that’s rlly cool I think
DAFNA ❤️❤️❤️❤️ MY GIRL ❤️❤️❤️ I went with a dusty purple aesthetic for her bc that’s the color of her glasses and tbh it works!! I think she’d dabble in the occult. Every white girl with glasses and purple as a favorite color I know has at least dabbled with a ouija board ykyk and I know this bc I am a white (formerly) girl with glasses who’s favorite color is purple who has dabbled with many a ouija board
AND UNNAMED GIRL NUMBER TWO ❤️ I call her Delaney bc my wonderful irl friend decided it and he can not be wrong abt anything ever. I started with just pink bc of her bubblegum but then I was like. She deserves to be loud and obnoxious and angry. Bc I think everyone needs one person in their life who is loud and obnoxious and angry and I think she deserves to be that person bc I see that fire in her eyes. So a pink riot grrrl inspired aesthetic!
I love my girls ❤️🥹🥹🥹 I need to write them more I love them sm and they deserve to take up every space ever 🥹
Seiji laid in his bed, on his back, staring straight at the blankness of the white ceiling. It was almost pitch black in the monotony of the stormy night. Lightning struck, temporarily illuminating the ceiling. There was some water damage on a spot near the wall, and it had a popcorn texture. A couple seconds later, thunder struck. The deep scream of nature resonated throughout the entire room. The noise made it difficult to sleep. It always did.
“… Seiji?”
“Why aren’t you asleep?” Seiji asked. Nicholas slept like the dead, and usually was down by 9. It was 2 in the morning.
“You can’t make fun of me.” His voice was shaky, definitive. The usual glint of mischief that usually inhabited his tone was completely gone.
“I won’t.”
Silence as lightning struck once more, filling the room with day.
“I’m scared. Of storms,” Nicholas confessed.
Seiji remained silent. “Oh.”
“I know it’s stupid. I know nothing will happen. But sometimes it does, y’know?” He continued, soft and vulnerable.
“Has something happened?” Seiji asked. There seemed to be an implication there.
“I- yeah. Back when I was 7. I was living with my mom in a shitty single room apartment. A storm came in, roof caved on top of me and mom. Woke up soaking wet, covered in rubble. Firefighters had to come get us out. Found out later that lightning struck our apartment too, but luckily that place had a lightning rod. I think it was a gift from a former resident?” He mused. His tone grew stronger as he continued talking, into a ghost of normal. They fell into silence, heavy rain thudding on their windowpane.
Reality struck Seiji once more. Nicholas came from another world, one where he was casually in a collapsed house. Where he was a child, in a scary situation, and he could seem so casual about it.
“That sounds… I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Seiji had never been good at comfort.
Nicholas snorted, dry and humorless. “Did you cave in the roof to my apartment?”
“No?”
“Then don’t apologize. Feels like pity. I don’t fuck with that. What happened, happened. Nothing I can do about it now. Happened almost a decade ago anyways.”
They fell into silence again. Seiji turned his head staring at the rubber duck shower curtain, where he thought Nicholas’ face might be staring back through the divider.
“Still, it’s shitty. That never should’ve happened to you. That shouldn’t happen to anyone.” His words surprised himself- they came naturally, and didn’t sound odd coming out of his mouth.
“… yeah. I guess.” Nicholas’ breathy, whispered tone was beginning to scare Seiji. Where was his loud, energetic friend?
He swallowed. “Do you… need, anything? From me?”
“What?”
“Well- no matter how long ago it happened, obviously you’re still frightened of storms. And- what matters is now. Right now you’re scared. So, how can I help?”
Nicholas didn’t speak for a moment. “Usually I just sleep in the same bed as my mom. It helps to make sure she’s safe.”
“Would you like me to come over there?” His own offer, once again, surprised him. Was he truly willing to be that close, intimate with another? It’d been a while since he’d had physical affection from anyone, much less given it freely.
“Are you okay with that?”
“I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t.”
Rain hardened against the window. He would’ve thought it was hail if it wasn’t spring.
Nicholas blurted out, “You’re right, yeah. Sorry. Uhm- sure, if you’re good with it. That would be nice.”
Seiji sighed. Was he really doing this? He almost didn’t. He almost stayed, warm and comfortable in bed, staring at the shower curtain. But then there was Nicholas’ scared voice, his shakiness, his story. Then there was Nicholas Cox.
So he rose. He gripped onto the shower curtain, shrugged it aside, and settled in with Nick. It took five steps, he put his foot forward 5 times. It felt like the longest journey of his life.
Nick was warm. He ran hot, he sweated easily, he hardly needed blankets at any time throughout the year. Summer was his personal hell. Seiji had never felt that warmth in this way before, though. He’d never felt it arching along his back, wrapped around him.
It was nice. If it wasn’t for the situation, the sheer nicety would’ve scared him. He would’ve gotten up and gone right back to his side of the room, reconstituting order. But once more, then there was Nicholas Cox. Nick shuddering, biting his lip, digging his fingernails into the mattress. So he stayed.
“You’re cold,” Nick mumbled, shifting until they were effectively spooning.
“You’re warm,” Seiji rebutted. “Are you alright with this?”
“Yes.” The response was more immediate than any previous conversation of the night.
“Ok, good. Uhm, good night Nicholas. If you can sleep.”
“I think I can now.”
Thunder shook the room once more, but neither of them stirred. They stayed in their own little world, hot and cold, red and blue. Together, they drifted off to a dreamless sleep.
