#raisca rambles

I have lots of ideas and almost zero execution power. Like there's this... filter, this static noise. A thick fog I have to wade through.

It's exhausting. 

It feels like I'm disconnected, out of synch with myself, out of synch with time. I'm never really present in the present. I don't know where I'm going and I need constant reminders of where I've been, where I came from. 

I have to be real here. I've been feeling awfully lost and defeated. No energy, no drive. The body feels heavy, as does life. Everything is an effort. I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore. 

Damn, such doom and gloom! What the fuck, Raisca? Snap out of it! Go create something! Go play with colors and shapes and textures and stop moping around! 

Ok, ok, I'm getting an idea! Let's see if I manage to make anything with it. 

Remember a while back when I said I had a video to make? Pretty sure I mentioned it.  I had been waiting for them to post it on Youtube, as they usually do, so that I could share here. Turns out they posted it on *Facebook* instead. Blergh! 

I don't have Facebook, so I find it hard to even grab the link. And of course, it doesn't embed here like Youtube does. 

Here it is, if your curiosity is strong enough to break through the resistance of clicking a link that goes somewhere else. 

In the meantime I had another video to make for them. And it went really well! So well, that I immediately forgot about it once it was done, even though I enjoyed making it. It's just that, it flowed so well causing no problems to annoy me, that it also flowed really well right out my mind ahah

It's also only on Facebook, so here's another link for the curious and persistent! 

I kinda miss the time I was also going to the shows and filming them. But I'm not sure that would work for me now. Schedule's at home have changed since then. Also, I no longer have the camera I had and loved. I still get sad (and angry!) every time I remember it was stolen. *sigh*

Anyway! On a happier note, here's something I made last week. I don't know what to call it. I was just having a little fun playing around with a few elements. But I like the result, so you get to see it too. (I mean, you already have, but it's fun to look at, so look at it again!)

I have been challenged to make a baby album for a friend. Apparently the baby albums available these days aren't very exciting (or cheap).

I totally want to make it complicated, of course. Ahah. I'm still thinking about the construction of it. So I guess that's what I'll be doing this week. I hope I don't forget about it... because, let me tell you, this was mentioned to me last week already, and I had completely forgotten about it until I was reminded yesterday =X

Ok, gotta go now. This post took way longer to write than I'd like, and it's getting late. So, see you next week!

~!| www.raiscagamor.com |!~

I have a market on the 20th and 21st this month, and I've been preparing for quite some time. But now that the deadline is coming is when all the ideas really solidify and I have the urge to do everything in a rush.  

I spent the last two days without touching my computer. I crocheted all day. I did the same on Monday, but had the computer on with something playing to "keep me company". Tuesday and Wednesday I used no distractions except music playing on my phone, and I worked so much more! No surprise there, really. 

I decided I's use all of this week to crochet all I still want to make, and then next week I'd focus on all the digital stuff I still want to print. 

The thing is, after 3 days of crochet, two of them quite intensive, guess what? My hands aren't happy. I'm considering having a rest today and switching to digital. 

I don't want to! I can handle more crochet!  

I know that is a lie. I mean, yes, I can handle it, but I will regret it later and at that point even the digital work will be hard on my hands. So... *sigh* 

Look at all the pretty things though! 

I've also been feeling an urge to play Sims4 again. And get back to streaming, at least sometimes.  I know I won't be doing any of that until the market is done, but maybe after? Maybe I can convince myself that it's ok to "waste time" playing games if I stream it and call it work. 

Honestly, I've tried that before. Didn't quite work. But maybe this time? Also, maybe I'll try streaming on Youtube this time and see how that goes? Not that I didn't like Twitch, but I'm curious to see if there's a significant difference between the two. 

So, even though I'm looking forward to the market, I also can't wait for it to be done so I can move on to the next thing. 

~!| www.raiscagamor.com |!~

These days I'm getting up later and feeling like I'm always running to catch up on everything. 

It also doesn't help that the first thing I do now is check up on Vivi's radio and my chat friends. And then sometimes end up just chatting away the morning. But I can't regret that when I've actually made some new friends recently! Feels nice.

And this Sunday it's crochet club day again. More socializing! Yay!

That baby album (it's actually 3, and I'm trying to make them all slightly different) is also coming along. Very slowly, but I think I've passed that slump of resistance I had at first. Things are flowing now. I still have to decide on how to put it all together in the end, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I've also been trying to get back to collage, but nothing is coming out, nothing feels right or exciting, no sparks of joy or inspiration on that road. I'm sure it will come back at some point, but at the moment that well is dry and I'm a bit sad about it.

Ok, I tried leaving this for the next day to see if I magically came up with something else to say and close this post in a nice way. Guess what. No dice. Ahah

But yesterday I finally looked around for some images, to sparks ideas, and hopefully I'll finally start working on it today. 

I also finished this little blanket! I never told I started it, but look, it's finished!

(pattern from here)

I thought I'd try selling it at the market in September as a pet blanket, since it's kinda small to be a person blanket. And I want to make more, cause you don't really sell anything unless you have a bunch to catch people's eyes... but they take a bit to make, and I want to make other things too! So... I don't know, we'll see.

I've been obsessed with a fanfic. One I've read before and loved, but not one I care to recommend cause it's pretty dark and heavy and intense. It's not for everyone. But it's so good! It pulls me in and it sticks and I can't let go of it. So I decided that instead of just reading it again, I'd go deeper and translate it. Just for me, just for fun, to keep those translation muscles trained. To stay in touch with my own language, which I barely use anymore out of the daily chit chat at home.

I thought making a translation would get me to look at the writing even more closely than before, take it slower and from a more analytic perspective and hopefully not get as sucked in as before.

It's not working. Now I just want to translate it all day! I've been restricting it to my mornings only, but I did also spend both the afternoon and night with it the other day. And I'd love to do it again.

I both like and don't like this. On the one hand, it feels nice to be this passionate about something. But on the other, it dims everything else, and I still have a life to live, I need at least a bit of enthusiasm left for that too, you know? Ahah.

I've also been a bit stuck at home. Not because I *have* to, but it's been very hot and I don't want to go anywhere. I skipped the journaling club yesterday and the gaming night on Saturday. I'm sad about the gaming night... but it's at night. It takes a lot more out of me than a Sunday afternoon. 

And now I gotta go! I thought I could be here longer, but nope! Ahah See you next week!

~!| www.raiscagamor.com |!~

Most people love to talk. Some people can't shut up for more than two seconds. 

HOW?! How can you always have something at the tip of your tongue ready to come out? 

I'm such a quiet person. And it's not because I'm shy or insecure. I mean, sure there can be a little bit of that if I don't yet know the crowd I'm with, but for the most part I really have nothing to say! Especially if there's a lot going on around me. My mind goes mostly empty, just taking in information, even when I don't want it to. Also, my word processor is slow, so by the time I've gathered my thoughts and could have something to say, the conversation has already moved so. So I remain quiet.

Maybe you think I'm good listener. I can be, but most of the time, I'm not. If you tell me five stories, one after the other, cause you always find some connecting point to jump around between them, and if all those stories are about people you know and I don't... It's going through one ear and coming out through the other. And I'm wishing you'd shut up, honestly. 

I *love* when I find someone I can be in silence with. Someone I can share a look or a smile with, some expression or gesture and no words. Do you know how rare that is?

That's not to say I don't enjoy a nice conversation. I do, very much! But it can't be with more than one of two people at once. And they have to actually care to listen to what the other have to say. You know, it has to be a *conversation*, not a monologue. I'm getting less and less tolerant of monologues. 

Maybe I'm just grumpy. I went out yesterday. Big lunch with a bunch of people (lunch with a bunch, ha). Today I just want to sleep and be off. 

I usually grab it when I get up. But do I need it with me while I have breakfast? No, I don't! So today I left it in my room to grab later. 

We all know how well that went.

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a phone. But then I remember, the kid might need something, that's why I always have the phone around. And also, I might need something. Like when I forget the shopping list at home and need someone to send me a picture of it. Except recently I started to using my phone as the shopping list. Because I always have it with me and don't forget it at home like I do with the paper list, right? RIGHT?! 

It's ok, I did the shopping yesterday anyway. *sigh*

But it's interesting how even though my phone barely gets used, it still feels weird to be out without it. And to think we used to live without them at all!