#raethebee

I don’t know how else to explain these feelings other than this: I am trapped in a straightjacket but I was the one who put it on.  I locked myself inside a metal cage and I swallowed the key, therefore I am stuck.  but im not, I am skin and bones enough to slither between the thin cracks of this prison. this shit sucks. when you can’t even mentally process what place youre in to get out, and the fact that you cant even comprehend YOU put yourself there is the worst. I cant find the words to express how utterly trapped I am within the darkest corners of the maze that is my mind. my emotions are turbulent. they control me entirely.. and when they flip this maze upside down and backwards, thus changing its course, I do nothing to alter it. I remain balled up in the same corner, sniffing whatever I manipulated myself into thinking will bring me the warmth  I’ve never felt. I feel better for a moment. and then I’m buried underneath the tides of my mind once again. trying my best to walk amongst all the normal people when on the inside im constantly debating whether to jump off the nearest bridge, or to just snort every drug in sight so that I would die. and I would die high..i would die with the false sense of happiness. make it fucking stop for fucks sake. make the breathing stop. make the cravings stop. make the heart beating stop. maybe I will feel whatever it is I’ve been looking for in the wrong fucking things when it’s all over.

The bloodied cotton brushed against my tanned thigh, startling me.

her breath was poison. she spit out swords with each word she spoke. her words stung - almost as if a million lightning bolts crept up behind and lightly tapped on your shoulder. they were only asking for directions, but you died under the impact.  her eyes were invasive - looking straight into the energy within your soul. if you passed that first glance she took, believing you to be valuable, she would maybe let you continue on living miserably. if not, she would rip you apart from within - each bone shattered into fine granules. each vein popped, with blood gushing from every orifice. each organ ripped out of your body and strewn across the ground with her simple gaze. she was unstoppable. until the whispers in her mind turned into screams. those whispers made her rip her own flesh into shreds with her slender  fingers..made her crack her own skull with her bare fists.  someone that was, became someone that once was. someone that once was could be all of us. crippling under our own mental pressures, despite the strength residing within.

sometimes i hope i vanish.. hoping i might turn into the ash that rests in your fireplace for years. peaceful. alone.

mournfulness is such a humbling emotion.