#radical generosity

Throwing this out into the void because I feel a need to vent as I stand on the cusp of a massive change in my life: As someone who’s gone from working part time minimum wage in their late teens, to suddenly having actual money from good full time jobs with benefits, I find myself more and more often in situations where I look at what is presented in front of me and decide that the universe or any higher powers do not care enough about human lives to make people happy, and so I decide to do it myself.

Yesterday I went and got my taxes done. My tax advisor at the business was in charge of every store in the county, and was already not having a good day and I was the first appointment after they opened. She was good at her job, helpful, and genuinely sweet. After my appointment I went and got her and the other two people in the office gift cards for Starbucks, because she’d mentioned how she probably wasn’t going to have time for anything else during her lunch. I delivered the cards to the receptionist and went home.

A few months ago I went to the store to grab a few things for dinner, and the checker was a young man, probably only a few years younger than me, who was clearly new. He looked tired, and the people before me had been short of patience with a full cart, but when I came to the till he still tried to be peppy and warm. I bought a jumbo pack of MnMs and handed them to him after I paid. His face lit up, and I almost thought he was going to tear up. He shook my hand, gave me a thanks, and took the candy as I left.

Last Thanksgiving I put $50 towards the groceries of someone behind me at the store. Their surprise was evident. I don’t know if they needed it, financially, but when they were asking if I was sure, I told them my only stipulation was that they pass on the kindness someday. I hope they do.

I’ve always been an impressively frugal person. You can ask my parents – I was obsessed with saving in my piggy bank as a kid, and as someone who’s been preoccupied lately with creating a radically minimalist lifestyle (more on that in a future post, maybe), I’ve never spent much money on myself. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that I’ve also never spent much money on others. In my effort to hoard away my money for “later”, I’ve been conservative, even stingy when it comes to spending money on other people. It’s weird – I like to think I’m pretty generous with my time, with my friendliness, with my emotions/listening skills … but when it comes to money, I’ve always had a hard time.

Now, I decided, was a good time to experiment with changing that.

Overview:

This experiment’s guidelines were simple. Throughout the month of May, I would take every opportunity I found to choose the most generous option. If I passed a homeless person, I would donate whatever cash I had in my wallet. If I was going to meditation, I would buy a nice snack on the way and bring it with me. If I were in a bodega, I’d buy the bodega guy something along with my purchase. The possibilities were endless!

One thing was certain, though: it was time to start carrying more cash.

How I accomplished it:

Putting all the cash I had in the donation box at meditation

Putting all the cash I had in the donation box at Yoga to the People

Bringing snacks to gatherings with friends

Giving large (and small) sums of money, or food I had with me, to homeless people whenever I passed them

Giving tips to service workers when I felt no obligation to do so (cafes, coat checks, etc.)

Giving $5 bills to street musicians busking

Not thinking twice about spending more on the gifts I gave for occasions

Other, more niche opportunities (running into ThePoemGuy in Washington Square Park, and giving him cash just for existing, for example)

Findings:

Making this a monthly experiment was a great way to ease into becoming a more generous person. It made it much, much easier to give when I wouldn’t have previously given, or spend more on a gift for someone when I normally wouldn’t have, because I could tell myself “it’s for the experiment.” If anyone reading this wishes they were more generous but is hesitant to start spending more, I highly recommend doing a short-term experiment with it.

I felt amazing in general. I love being the person to bring the snack to share at friend gatherings, the person who stops and gives to the homeless person, the person who acts out of love (giving and sharing) rather than out of fear (hoarding like a miser, like I used to.) I want to be remembered by everyone I come across as someone generous, someone who left them feeling good. And, strangely, I feel wealthier than I ever did when I wasn’t being generous. Andrea Gibson has a line in one of her poems that has always resonated with me: "The hardest thing about having nothing is having nothing to give.” The ability to even do this experiment and still have plenty of money to live comfortably has shown me how incredibly lucky and privileged I am. I feel the wealth of the world.

While I initially wondered how I would find a way to give every day, one of my fastest realizations was that there are so many opportunities to give, if you keep your eyes out for them. There are so many people that are in need of something, and if not that, people who would just appreciate something. Everyone appreciates generosity. I could make someone’s day (or a lot of people’s days) every single day. That’s an incredible power.

Finding opportunities to give was more effortless on weekends than on weekdays. I suspect this might point to being overly stressed out or preoccupied with my own life on weekdays.

It’s really not about how much you give. I spent the first couple of weeks thinking that I had to give everything I had in my wallet (hey, it’s supposed to be radical, right?!) And while that was an interesting and liberating experience, I soon found that the amount was really much less important than the act of giving itself, the intention. This means that the most efficient/utilitarian way to be generous is to give small amounts to a lot of different people, thus spreading the spirit of giving, while leaving enough resources to spread it to far more people. One of my favorite acts of giving was when I was buying fruit at a fruit cart on 14th & A. I asked the vendor’s name, which was Ali. We chatted for a few moments, and I bought about $1 worth of fruit. Then, sensing an opportunity for generosity, I asked what his favorite fruit was. He shrugged and said he liked them all. I added in an extra dollar, and told him to buy one for himself, and the smile on his face was so wide. But to me, it was only a dollar! A single dollar can make a huge difference, if you pair it with creativity and good intentions.

I found it strangely difficult, when I was with someone, to slow down and give money to people. I would be with someone, and we’d pass a street performer, and I’d have the urge to stop and give to them, but for some reason I wouldn’t. It was like I felt like the person I was with would judge me for stopping and giving, or feel guilty about not doing so, or feel annoyed that we paused. I think these are “people-pleasing” tendencies of mine, and absurd ones at that. There’s nothing shameful about giving, and if I think the person I’m with is going to judge me for it, I really shouldn’t want to be friends with that person anyway.

I especially love and find satisfaction in donating to things I believe in, that are creating the world I want to live in. Some of my favorite donations, looking back, were to street performers, or the “Poem Guy”, or when I increased the amount I would donate after yoga at Yoga to the People (a donation-based yoga studio that is basically my sanctuary, and that I would LOVE to see more of in the world!). That felt so good, to be actively contributing to a world that aligned with what I want to see, with more “sharing economy” and more art.

I have a distaste for interacting with people actively asking for money. Seeing as it was Radical Generosity month, when I was going out of my way to give to people, you’d think I would be happy to find people asking for money, because it would be an easy and obvious opportunity. But no – I think something in me, probably something trained by the capitalistic, “pull-yourself-up” society we live in, really hates the idea of people expecting something from me. Like, I’m happy to give to people (as I found out this month, I really am!), but something really bothers me about people actively asking for and expecting money from people, like somehow people owe it to them to fund their existence. I don’t know – I have mixed feelings from this, stemming from my recent political identity crisis, in which I used to be really conservative and am becoming more liberal. I guess I just really want to see people actively trying to help themselves and somehow contribute to society, perhaps in a donation-based way (i.e. learning an instrument and playing on the streets for donations), rather than just existing and asking for money to continue existing, while not contributing. I don’t know if this is necessarily a morally sound opinion, but it’s definitely how I felt this month.

For most of the time I’ve spent in big cities, I’ve rationalized not giving to the homeless by using excuses like “but there are homeless shelters that they’re not even using”, and “they might buy drugs with that money.” But those thoughts were just that – excuses.  I realized that despite my long-standing concerns and excuses for not giving, it ultimately does not matter what the recipient does with the money. For me, I found that giving to the homeless, in particular, is not about ensuring they buy food or something wholesome with it. The way one homeless man looked at me when I put a $10 bill in his cup which held only pennies changed my mind. His “thank you” was so genuine that I realized I     didn’t even care where that $10 ultimately went. He needs and appreciates it more than I do, and that’s all that really matters. In fact, the real value in giving to the homeless, for me, is in recognizing their humanity, and letting them know that I see them as a real person, deserving of love and generosity. In meeting, or at making eye contact with, the homeless people to whom I was giving, I realized quickly that many of the people on the streets were actually young people like me, who had just stumbled upon a rough patch of luck, or been priced out of the absurdly expensive housing market. I learned that being homeless meant nothing about a person except that they didn’t have a home. I found I had an intense desire to want homeless people to trust the world more; I couldn’t bear contributing to the hordes of people indifferently passing by. I want to be a good Samaritan, to let these people know that people DO care about them and see them and trust them. And even if all of them used the money I gave them for drugs, it was worth it if only for that.

In terms of the future, I definitely, definitely think that being more generous is a habit I’m going to stick with. It makes me feel so good, and makes the world a more beautiful, friendly place – something I’m passionate about seeing – so I’ve got to be the change I want to see in the world. And like I said, it’s really not so hard after all – I feel wealthier than ever before.

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. 

Malachi 3:10