#race relation

I’ve been following this blog for quit sometime and other black women on Tumblr who I support whole heartedly. But like I get this weird feeling that I don’t belong here?? I’m mixed. My mother is German and my father African American. Typical story. My dad met my mom in germany while he was stationed there. They fell in love, had me and my brother… and eventually we all moved to America since my dad’s duties were finished.

So in Germany I never felt different. Well what exactly do I mean different… I’m a person. That’s all I felt, I never thought color was a thing?? My German family is used to interracial babies.. my eldest aunt has a mixed child and they weren’t surprised about me or my brother. All accepted and loved. We were a city full of mixed ethnicities so I had no idea that I was different.

Till I came to America. It’s the first time I heard “what are you? ” hahaha.

“I’m a person?” I’d say confused.

“NO like.. what are you? Where are you from? Like what language are you speaking? Why is your mother white? Your brother so light?? What? your dad’s black??”

As a 10 year old I had no idea what to think. The black side of my family in North Carolina treated my brother and I differently than the other kids in our family. My mother had to smile through all the mean comments. My dad had to endure that he brought in white to the family.

Our family reunion? Holy fuck. What a nightmare. I was 11. I think I mostly block it all out because I just remember the stares. Which makes me think of the time I didn’t realize my grandma was taking me to a hair salon to give me a perm. They cut my hair (grandma used it for weave no joke.) And before the process started my mother rushed in, grabbed me, cursed my grandmother out and drove my back to my grandparents house crying.. she apparently couldn’t bare the thought that my gma wanted my curls gone.

Let’s fast forwarder a few years. No contact to the family. My dad’s retired. We move from base and end up on the bad side of town. I end up in a magnet school. 75% black. 10% Hispanic and the rest random mix (whites and Asians. ) I grew up in a open country.. and I’m glad. I accepted all for who they were so I ended up having a mix of friend. Some who didn’t come clear with each other because of the side of the town we were on. Gang activities. (Clear backpacks. Security checks. Metal detector..) all that fun stuff. But… I was still looked at weird. I was told often “I wouldn’t understand.” “Why are you even tiring? Don’t worry about it.” I felt secluded. “Why are you speaking so white? Just because you’re of some color remember you’re still white. ”

Couple years later we moved. Starting over again. Typical life of an army brat right… who needs friends as a kid. Anyway. Alabama. This school? The opposite. 70% white 20% black and the rest a mix. Annnnd it starts again..

“ Where are you from. German. Yeah right. But you’re black. Your mom’s white? How’d that happen. Well you definitely sound white (I am now 24 years old and still don’t get what the fuck that means)…”

And now the best part. I had to fill out my ethnicity on a school poll.. what stands there. Black. White. Hispanic. Asian/pacific islander.

No mixed. No interracial. No other origins????

I asked my teacher what I should do.

I kid you not. He says to me “cross what you feel closer to.”

Cross. What you. Feel closer to.

People. This statement. This statement will never leave me.

What I feel closer to. That’s saying I am not one person. I am two. Do you feel white or do you feel black? Are you closer to one than the Other?????

Thissss. I was so pissed. I was in the 9th grade. I made my own goddamn box and wrote “german American”

This led to a call to the counselors office. I remember it well. Mrs.anderson. a beautiful intelligent black woman, the only black woman in facility. She took me in. Told me needed to cross an actual option.

I said I can’t. “ I’ll cross two. But I can’t cross one. I am not one or the other. I am black and I am white. I am German and African American. I am not one or the other.” I stood my ground..

She smiled at me. Told me she understood.. but said that even in this time and age, biracial people aren’t normal. She made me rewrite a new one. Leaving the race blank. I told her to mark what she wanted because I couldn’t imagine lying to myself even if it was just a county poll to figure out the ethnicity rate in our schools.

Until I graduated high school I had my ups and downs with being mixed. Never feeling like I belonged some where.. put aside the few good friends I acquired throughout the years who didn’t care about it but liked me for me. But I still never felt right????

College I met other biracial and many black women. We became a great group of friends. The campus called us the United nations haha since we were just a group of different mixed nationalities and colors.

The point of this confession is.. I never truly felt I belonged. Anywhere. Till about college. It was there I accepted the reality that I might not be accepted for who I am in some places. That I “talk too white” or “have the black girl attitude.” Still to this day I don’t really understand it and I find it pretty rude to say to anyone..

I am black. I am white. I am me. I’ve read many confessions and posts on Tumblr and it makes me ashamed to see what biracial (mostly black/white) say and do.

I swear to you not all are like that. I seriously love all… the skin tone of a man doesn’t make me decide if I want him. I find all black men, mixed men, light skin, white, Asian attractive… fuck where the love falls why does it matter.

Black women aren’t “crazy. Hard headed. With just attitudes. ” NO. Damn. They are Strong.. amazing and inspiring.. I follow so many of you and feel that.

I grew up loving people for who they are not how they look. And I will continue to do so even if most don’t do it for me.

Maybe I am looking at it the wrong way, but why did she have to do a Black woman ? There are so man White stars to choose from from that time. Or I guess I could look at is as though she is appreciating African American beauty. If anything she could've recreated herself in the same Diana Ross style, but not have given herself a fro ? 

I hated the painting. I don't like when people turn Black images White. Especially beautiful Black images, because there are so few shown. I honestly do not know how to feel. 

I can't stand the girl as a person. Her personality really rubs me the wrong way. I just kept thinking to myself is this even right ? Am I overreacting, or should I just consider it a compliment ? I mean our hair is totally fab. 

Dr. Frances Cress Welsing x Standard of Conduct