#quouple

My mom never did much of the “mom” stuff with me. She moved out when I was really young and we only lived together again briefly when I was a teenager. She’s the person who, after I disclosed that I’d had a threesome with my then-boyfriend and roommate, called me up and said, “My husband wants our girlfriend to move in with us. How’s that working for you?” I was 19. 

His: Well, he’s an only child without living parents. He has a couple cousins back east that he grew up with who he totally shocked with our Rocky Horror Picture Show photos at dinner one night. Otherwise, we see the usual holiday cards and birthday wishes on Facebook from them, but that’s it. 

Gypsy and Nomad are a different story... mostly.

While they have the house south of us, their primary residence where the kids go to school and all that is shared with Nomad’s mom. We’d been dating a couple weeks when the three of them got schnockered and they “came out” to her. She was happy for them, and is actually going to be joining me and My Mr. for football this weekend. With as much time as I usually spend at the house up north, it’s actually been weird to go almost a week without seeing her. 

They came out to his sister shortly before Boy1der′s birthday party last month. At that same birthday party, they also came out to his brother. Everyone was super cool and pretty much just welcomed us to the family.

But, Gypsy’s family is... different. She has been terrified to come out to her parents from day one. The consensus is that they are likely to flat out disown her and/or “hate” Nomad for it. She came out to her sister recently and she agreed. 

The thing is that we met her parents at Boy1der’s birthday party. It was awkward. We made the invitations and some of the decorations. We were obviously at home there in general.. nevermind that they didn’t know that I’d come over hours before the party to help Gypsy give the house a proper scrubbing then hopped in the shower and used the hygiene products that I keep there. 

If they didn’t think something was up initially, we ruined that when someone asked about going on a beer run and I volunteered but said that Nomad should come because I needed air in my tires. I was sober (haven’t been drinking at ALL for weeks) and I did need air in my tires... but Gypsy’s mom apparently made the remark that “it’s a date” as I went to get my purse out of their room. Nomad followed me and the door closed behind us. Within seconds, Gypsy had flown into the room in a panic over how it looked. 

Funny thing was that before the beer run, they had almost intentionally been avoiding engaging with me. When we got back, they were both very interested in getting to know me. After all the guests had left and My Mr. had run home to feed the dogs, I was just trapped there while they made awkward small talk with the 3 of us for almost an hour. And then it happened. Her mom HUGGED me. Her mom doesn’t hug anyone. Hugs from Nomad’s siblings were expected because of who they are. Gypsy’s mom hugging me felt like a horse head in my bed. It was just WRONG. 

This week, their boys stayed the first 2 days of fall break here with us. We did the quoddling thing Monday night. Gypsy and My Mr. were up and out of the house before the boys woke up. On Tuesday night, Gypsy and My Mr. came by to get something while Nomad was cooking dinner for me and the boys. Then they left together and Nomad stayed the night here with me. They are smart kids. Boy1der just turned 9 and is on the spectrum. The little guy is turning 7 soon. There’s no way they don’t see what’s going on in one way or another. 

Yesterday morning Nomad brought them to Gypsy’s parent’s place for the rest of the week. I can only imagine the conversation.. “So, what did you do for the first few days of break, boys? Oh? You stayed where...? Oh... who was there with you? Did your mommy and daddy stay the night there too...? Did they have their own room...? 

If they didn’t suspect anything after the birthday party, there’s going to be no question after this week.  *sigh* It will be rough on Gypsy if they do react as negatively as she expects but they could surprise us, right? 

Other poly coming out for me: Over the last few weeks I’ve formally “come out” to my mentor and at least 2 co-workers. I also said “My boyfriend’s kids... and my husband...” in the same sentence to my boss. The only real reaction I got was my mentor saying that I “live a sitcom” and need to write a book. If he only knew... 

I also came out to my new PCM today. It’s always great to be able to tell a medical provider the whole truth about things... “We are in a closed, fluid-bonded polyamorous quad.” 

I’m really looking forward to cooking vegan “beef” stroganoff with tofu sour cream for another family night and quddling tomorrow! 

We have a full weekend planned with fairies, burlesque and possibly a pumpkin patch. We’ll see how it all goes with Nomad’s recent sobriety in that environment. I’m hopeful. But I’m also prepared for another bout of his anxiety to turn into a fight between them and all that it entails when he needs support and she doesn’t know how to give it.  

Life was “never a dull moment” before... now, it’s fuller than ever but also reminiscent of my first few years with My Mr. and all the growing pains of non-monogamy and new relationships. 

It’s been... challenging... and it’s only gotten deeper since Nomad stopped drinking. He and Gypsy are celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary later this week. She told My Mr. that he slept in the boys’ room last night because things with them got so bad. Being with us has shone a light on all kinds of unresolved stuff that they had been avoiding. 

Funny thing is that the things I thought would bother me the most, are at the bottom of the list. My Mr. has become a more attentive lover, been more affectionate (which is hard to top because he’s always been super affectionate with me) and always comes home from his time with Gypsy genuinely missing me. I don’t feel replaced, diminished or otherwise hurt by their relationship. There were a lot of growing pains in the beginning but My Mr. and I have never been so solid. 

Gypsy and Nomad though.. they give us different versions of the same story. He and I think/process the same way. Gypsy and My Mr. think/process the same way. The difference is that My Mr. and I know that and have learned how to communicate in ways that still leaves the other one heard and validated. We’ve been coaching them and feeding them communication techniques but it hasn’t been enough. 

I’m trying to stay hopeful that this won’t totally implode, but their relationship is really rocky and as much as I want to sit them down for a full-on therapy session, I know it’s not my place as a girlfriend and metamor. They are both staying here tonight as of now.. Nomad will get here first and I’ll assess things then.

In other news, I just turned 40. My party was a flop. Gypsy and Nomad got into a fight while I was outside medicating. Cookie sat outside with me while I broke down sobbing over how awful it felt to have so many people say they were coming who didn’t and because My Mr. was being uncharacteristically passive-aggressive all night over how the day had gone. Then Nomad did the one thing I’d told him I won’t put up with.. I asked what was going on and he just replied, “Nu-uh.” and turned back to the movie.