Sep 6, 2022
Perhaps the secret of living well is not in having all the answers but in pursuing unanswerable questions in good company.
-Â Rachel Naomi Remen
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Perhaps the secret of living well is not in having all the answers but in pursuing unanswerable questions in good company.
-Â Rachel Naomi Remen
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I want someone to walk into love with me, eyes wide open, arms swinging wide, head thrown back in laughter, eyes only for me. Someone who walks into love knowing exactly who I am and wanting to be there every step of the way, next to me, side by side, growing older together.
I wish I could wrap my heart in bubble wrap and pillows, and soft hugs and flannel blankets, and soothe it, whenever it gets cold with anxiety and my worry, worry, worrywart, worrying that someone will leave me, worry that the world will hurt me. I wish I could wrap my heart up and protect it, and never let anyone hurt me. I wish I didn't feel so vulnerable, insecure, at times - like a jolt to my bones, like a realization that I can't control. I wish I was steady, steady like a river, like a rock, steady like the bedrock of the ground. Steady like sunshine, steady.
i feel like a revolving set of doors. Open and close. I'll let you in but just a crack and I'll close just as quickly, just as firmly, the moment i feel like there is any real risk of harm. Attachment. Open and close and you can come in, just for a second, just a glimpse, but no treading on the bare wooden floors i worked so hard to varnish and keep smooth and unmarked but still ended up scuffed all these years from careless feet and careless people with their invasive, loud, disruptive selves. I feel encroached on, silenced, threatened, hidden, backed into a corner, exposed, vulnerable, scared, and i close. Fear that opening is a safe space that is only temporary. Open doors invite grasping, selfish hands that will take and leave shadows behind i cannot scrub even if I light candles and fires in every corner. I stay safer closed.
i’ve always felt like i wasn’t meant for love— like how the sun was always meant to appear blue on Mars, like how there are 88 constellations and i don’t belong in one. my storms were always twice as destructive and i haven’t found hands big enough to handle this crisis; i haven’t found a mind strong enough to dive deep down my abyss. i’ve always felt like i wasn’t meant for love— like how my edges are specifically jagged in such a way that i can never truly feel attached. my mind’s landscape was always twice as hard to navigate and i haven’t found eyes observant enough to locate my deepest thoughts and deepest fears. i haven’t found a heart creative enough to illustrate my uncharted longings and unmapped dreams.
Romia Creshil, "lone island"
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Could you stay a little longer than forever?
If I could do anything
What would I do if no one, including myself, stopped me? If I didn’t need to worry about money, or familial obligations, or social pressure - if I had complete certainty that things would work out all okay in the end? If I could do anything, anything at all, if I could live any way, and be who I wanted to be, what would I be? What would I do?
I would travel the world to write about kindness - go to places that make my heart lighter and soul sing, settle in homes that keep my mind and heart at peace. I would create beautiful things that touch people’s lives, things so indescribable they would make people cry because they’ve found what they were looking for. I would be closer to nature, understand the inexplicable bond that humans and the natural environment have had since the beginning of time. I would climb hilltops and mountains and breathe, in the silence of a perfect sunset and a glorious sunrise. I would weave stories of hope, stories that keep people hoping, keep people together, make the world a kinder, better, softer, place.
I would surround myself with people who reflect the best parts of me: people who inspire, who create, who innovate and hope and dream and laugh like sunshine. I would have loving relationships with family, with friends. I would feel like I belonged, to various communities who support and strengthen and challenge me to always be my best person. I would grow, and grow, and keep growing in my knowledge and my impact on the world, and love deeply, truly, wonderfully. I would be around people I want to be like, people who are truly gold and honest and kind, people with strong values and similar lifestyles and a purpose, a dream, of living.
I would have a job which I wake up to every day looking forward to, a job that challenges and excites and makes me determined to do more than just my best. A job that pays me more than enough, and definitely enough so I am financially stable long-term. I would have co-workers who are a family in themselves, colleagues who I can trust wholeheartedly to have my back and to see me grow as a professional, people who recognize that when we lift each other up and listen and support each other we are so much stronger. I would have a vision, a dream, an ideal, that aligns with my own in life.
I would be a soft person - a kind, wholeheartedly giving, honest, genuinely loving person. I would be attractive in the way that goes far beyond the physical, though the physical is also important to me. Physically I would be lean, fit, and strong - agile, and quick. I would have the kind of body that looks good in whatever I choose to wear, and also dress in the type of clothes that fit well and look great. I would eat consciously, and with great enjoyment, and thoroughly appreciate food without worrying about weight, or nutrition - but I would eat foods that only nourish and feed me, and keep me healthy and fit and happy. I would be someone that my brothers and my cousins, my friends and family, admire and respect, and strive towards. I would be a leader in my own right, be the kind of person who is not afraid to voice a different opinion, to advocate and to fight for the rights of others. I would be at peace with myself and the world, knowing that each day I am living to the fullest, and being my best self. I would be slow to anger, and quick to laugh: be someone, everyone’s sunshine, a light that guides but also warms. I would feel settled, be settled, in a place, knowing that home is always with me, knowing that I have a home that I truly identify with. I would be incredibly happy, so happy, with the choices I make and live with no regrets, take every opportunity I get, and be truly alive.
Some wounds never fully heal. They scab over for years, and you forget them, and one day someone says something or you get a message out of nowhere and they open back up with a roaring ferocity. Some stupid person does something and you remember, all of a sudden, and all that hard work you put in, the years of painful unlearning and relearning and forgetting, evaporates. The most surprising thing is the anger, and the sadness. It hurts like this.
- QFN