#quitenight

I sat up one night, middle of the night.. and I knew I could do this. Now I still don’t know how I’m gonna do this, but I knew I could do it.

You just have to know, and when you don’t know, then no one can fault you for it. You do what you can, when you can, why you can. And when you cant, you cant.

The light of the days and the darkness of the night, despite its spike, the smell of a rose, and all bitter and sweet life stages are so beautiful sometimes. The thoughts in my subconscious, the emotions I suppress, and the feelings I hide are one by one appear on the surface.

This mask I wear to look strong has made me so tired out that I want to open up a new slate and breathe a sigh of relief. There are unspoken words and issues to be confronted and would it be covered again?

I will make the right decision as soon as possible and take a deep breath. The absence of a certain person after this separation and my thoughts in the emptiness almost cover me like a spider’s web.

I can neither move or shout nor I can express myself to those around me. I want this obligatory and painful expectation to ‘pass’ no matter what, just to forget and I want it to free me but I cannot. The more I panic the more I should wait with peace of mind to avoid getting lost deeper. These chain of events really painful.

No matter how angry I get, how much I cursed, get angry or blame the other part for ninety percent of it, the ten percent that remains my fault does not represent the reality. It wasn’t the best I could do; it wasn’t me.

I wish I didn’t done it just to leave a good memory of myself; I wish I didn’t hurt nobody. Even my silence is tearing others apart. If I could, I would forget about myself and feel sad at the situation of this human.

Let’s hope for the best until I will finally be able to put aside all the sad and bad incidents I have suffered from previously. For some matters in my life, I’ve suffered a lot. How much a love affair, which had turned to obsession, has hurt me. Although I may have seemed like someone devoid of emotions to my partner because of my past wounds, this was actually my way of protecting myself against a future full of uncertainties.

I realized it early on that some things were impossible to change. If I come across an illustration of someone full of pride. I feel upset and anxious but free and hopeful during my hard times. There’s an unquenchable fire of optimism burning inside my heart which is best used at hard times like this.

Maybe All I have to do is ask it myself. That I could get rid of the pessimism that has been haunting me as I make myself free of negativities, and I will activate my inner balance.