You are not your identity because your experiences are that identity, you are your identity because that identity describes your experiences.

There is this idea that there is some true identity in you deep down, one right box you can neatly shove yourself into. That is not the case in the slightest.

Yes, some people find a label that fits them perfectly. It is like suddenly the whole world makes sense now that they know that is what they are. And it is a beautiful and wonderful thing when that happens.

But being queer is still beautiful and wonderful even when that does not happen. Being queer is not and has never been about having to adbide by boxes, and I would suggest looking into queer history via digital archives if you have not already.

It is alright to use whatever label serves you the best. It is alright to use different labels in different circumstances. It is alright to use labels that you feel are right for you and helpful even if you do not fit into the boxes people except of that label. It is alright not to use labels even if you seemingly fit it perfectly for whatever reason you do not wish to use it.

The FTM subreddit is a good example of this. It's description is, 'Support-based discussion focused on trans men, trans mascs, and other people who are assigned female at birth who are trans.' While the label FTM has a technically strict defintion, many people who do not meet that defintion benefit from the label. Even those who do not identify with it personally to describe their experiences are able to find use in it to find community of people with similar experiences. And I tell many stories about this.

I do hesitate to bring up the following anecdote due to the TERF rhetoric rather prominent in the community at the moment. So I will preface this by requesting people understand that the rather intense discourse surrounding 'men in lesbian spaces' is TERF shit and does not stop being TERF shit when you make it gender affirming. I am not here to debate TERF shit. If what you have to add the conversation even remotely resembles 'men in lesbian spaces bad' I request you make a seperate post, link this one as I did above, and tag me. However, I reserve right to block you and ask you to edit the post so it is screenshots without my username present if I want to. Thank you.

I know of a lesbian with an extremely muscular, bearded, 6' tall AMAB partner. This person is not cis, but does use he and masculine terms like man along side neutral terms and it/blood pronouns. He would not fit the orientations of many lesbians.

When he and my friend got together, he was going by he/she/blood pronouns. Which would make him fit more lesbian's orientations, I suppose, but when he changed his pronouns wbsolutely nothing changed at all really. My friend still loves him like a butch and is still a lesbian. Her experiences are lesbian experiences because that is what she feels fits it best.

(And, for the record, her partner is not suddenly a butch just because my lesbian friend loves him like one. She understands that and just because she feels the best description for her feelings is 'loving him like a butch' doesn't mean she actually views him as one.)

A lot of people end up really struggling with their identities and exploring who they are because the moment they discover anything at all outside of the box of the label that fits best they are kicked out of it.

Especially due to the prominence of TERF rhetoric in the LGBTQ+ community, it is especially bad for lesbians. There is a reason there is such an oversaturation of 'men in lesbian spaces' but not 'women in gay male spaces' and that's because of gender essentialism and 'men bad evil woman victim helpless'.

Like I saw a video of a lesbian mention that maybe they had experienced an attraction to a man one singular time and were questioning. The comment section was flooded with people harassing them for calling themselves a lesbian and invading lesbian spaces when they may or may not have had just experienced an attraction to a man.

You know. As though they have not been in lesbian spaces for a long time and found community in people with shared experiences. All of that is suddenly them being lesbophobic for daring to invade lesbian spaces as someone who literally is a lesbian.

Like that really fucking sucks to be turned on like that for daring to even begin to question your orientation.

If you are a lesbian who is worried that maybe they experience attraction to men or literally anyone worried that they are wrong about their identity, I really hope you are able to stop worried about what the 'true correct 100% perfect box that your identity totally will fit into' is and instead focus on 'does this label describe me? how does it help me?'

If you are someone who would never be with a man ever but occasionally experiences attraction, that experience remains the same whether you believe that bisexual or lesbian or queer or whatever fits it. Hell, if you feel like straight fits best I don't get it but I am happy for you doing what's best for you.

If you are someone who does not care about gender or what pronouns you are called, that experience does not change if you identify as cis or trans or nonbinary or agender.

Just.

Relax.