#queerlander

There was a cabin, not far from the lake, where the court healer lived. It was Jenny’s preferred place to be.

Jenny's mind drifted there now, even as she sat in her father's council room, her brother looking as bored as she felt while he sat sprawled on his large stone chair. Throne. Whatever they were calling it these days.

Spoiled brat, Jenny thought, running her hand down the wooden arms of her much smaller chair, sitting up straighter.

She frowned, trying to regain focus on the state affairs her father worked hard to keep the two of them apprised of. She tried hard to pretend to care. But her mind kept drifting, seeking that warm little cabin, with the scent of bergamot in the air, the soft prick of a wolf fur bed against her back, her knees, her palms, her cheek, the graceful lines of the feminine person inside it, the sound of her heavy breathing...

A throat cleared, and then she heard a voice, "Janet."

"Mm?"

Brian's black brows were raised. "I was saying, I have some news for ye."

She folded her hands in her lap, the cabin vanishing from her mind as her eyes caught on the new person in the room.

A man, of marriageable age. He merely stood there and gave her an expectant look. Oh no. No, no, no.  

Shock flared in her eyes before it extinguished itself into courtly, passive femininity.

"This is Ian Murray," her father said, and Jenny forced herself to smile at the man as he was introduced. He was all hard lines and angles, nothing of the softness or grace she'd come to know and prefer. "Your betrothed."

Jenny inhaled deeply, crumpling her silk skirts in her fists. She let go, and then crumpled them again. Took a breath in, let the breath out.

Her eyes were hard as stone as she studied him, though she continued to give him the smile she knew she had to.

"It's a pleasure to meet ye, Ian," she whispered, and it was only the wine she'd had with dinner that had made it possible to speak.

“He is from a neighboring clan,” her father continued. “An alliance greatly desired.”

Ian bowed slightly, the sword at his hip sweeping back just a bit.

Jenny stood abruptly, her wooden chair scraping against the stone floor with an ungodly sound, ringing in the silence. "Excuse me," she said, as soft as she could, trying to cover for the way her slippered feet stomped out of the room.

And Ian looked like he was going to apologize for merely existing, damn him.

She flew into her room to pack her bags. Her belongings were flung across her room, the wardrobe emptied, the doors left open. Discarded clothes lay in piles on the floor, the four-poster bed.  She tore herself out of her silken gown, unpinned her hair. She eventually settled for two dresses that might pass for a peasant’s and stepped into a set of Jamie's clothes, stolen from the laundry a long time ago. The breeches afforded her much-desired freedom of movement and the shirt hung loose on her, several sizes too big and built for a man's body, not the figure of a woman's. But it was freedom; it was hers. She needed to claim what moves she could on the game board she’d been placed.

She was lacing herself into her boots when she heard a knock at her door. Stomach turning leaden, she opened it slowly, then swept it wide upon seeing who it was.

"Jamie.”

He stepped into her room and she closed the door behind him, latching it locked.

"I know," he began. "And I'm sorry. But ye must've kent it would always be this way."

She did. She'd known. This was her fate -- to be shipped off and married to the most eligible bachelor, for the sake of alliances and politics. A pawn in a game she had no power to play; where perhaps, as a woman, she had the most to lose.

Because this was Jamie, she nodded.

He went on, "If it makes it any easier, I know Ian. From the war. He's an officer, a damn good one. Someone who will be an asset to the family as a man, not just for his connection to Clan Murray."

"And to me?" Jenny demanded.

"He'll be an asset to you, too, Janet. If ye give him a chance."

"But what if I can't?" she said, her voice barely audible, her mind once again imagining a flurry of skirts in the garden of that cabin by the lake, of the tinkle of laughter and the flutter of a shift as it dropped. Jenny wanted to weep, to scream.

"He'll understand."

"What if he doesn't?"

Jamie's shoulders dropped. "I might --" but then he sighed. "Go. Go to her. I won't tell anyone."

So Jenny ran. She ran to the stables, to her horse. Like always, Marble knew she would be coming. She saddled him, leapt onto him. The horse let off nothing more than a grunt of excitement as she flicked the reins.

Jenny was electric, needing to outrun her own power. But as she neared the cabin, the world seemed to still its spinning, and mist seemed to hover, shimmering in the air.

Marble trotted near the front door, stopping at the fence post where Jenny always tied him. She hopped off, catching a brief whiff of her own scent, sweet with the tang of musk.

The woman who lived in this cabin was alone in the world. She had no one but Jenny -- she had chosen Jenny.

Jenny strode up the cobbled path to the door, removing her feathered hat and riding gloves as she went. Sweat beaded and dripped between her breasts and down her stomach; she picked at her shirt, trying to air it out.

It was night and yet the air was sweltering.

The door flew open before she knocked, bathing the blue night in a swath of orange light.

A soft, feminine body tackled her and held her tight, curls swarming Jenny's face. "I heard the news. The servants told me."

Jenny breathed the woman in, buried her face in that hair, her nose brushing just so against the woman's cheek. She placed a kiss to the corner of her jaw, content to just hold her.

"Claire," she breathed. Her knees wanted to buckle at the touch of her.

Claire nearly withdrew. "But what about--"

"Don't." Jenny held her tight, refusing the request to pull away. A hot tear swept down her cheek.

“’Tis just to visit a friend, Mam,” Jamie grumbled, taking a bite of his morning porridge. “I was in the army, I fought and crawled in trenches. I think I can manage takin’ the car a ways down the road.”

His mother, Ellen, clicked her tongue, running her hand over his curls as she passed him to place a plate of fruit onto the table. “I ken that lad, but I — well, I’m afraid that if ye leave, ye willna return. I dinna think I can go through that again.”

“Mam,” Jamie leveled with her, reaching his hand up to her. She took it gladly, squeezing it tight. “I will come home. I’m no going off to march or fight this time. That is over. There are some friends I’d like to see, I willna be gone more than a day.”

He could see that his mother was worried for him and in all honesty, he liked that she was. But he was a man of twenty-four and was perfectly capable of going out on his own. Being cooped up in this house and only going to the village when accompanied was driving him insane.

“Fine,” Ellen reluctantly agreed. “A day and no more, ye hear?”

“A day and no more,” Jamie nodded, smiling as he finished his breakfast.

It was the next day that he left in his family’s white Hillman Minx, destination: Inverness.

The whole drive there, which wasn’t very long, he was trying to think about what to say to them. Of course he hoped for another welcoming invitation like before, but he wasn’t going to expect anything. They had been kind to him and he simply wanted to see how they were doing. At least that’s what he told himself.

Less than an hour since he left, Jamie pulled up to the small cottage that he had first seen those many months ago. It looked much the same, a few more flowers out front and the window shutters looked freshly painted — but the same.

Gathering up all his solider courage, Jamie climbed out of the car and straightened his shirt — he wanted to look presentable for the lasses. It took him ten steps to get from his car to the front door and he held up his hand, waited a moment and then knocked three times.

He couldn’t tell if anyone was home, but as he peered around the corner, he saw two bikes — one the same as he’d seen Claire riding that day. Suddenly, there was a gust of air on his face as the door opened, revealing Emily.

“Jamie! Is that really you?” She said in her thick American accent. He smiled as he leaned down to her small stature and wrapped his arms around her. “Why I thought we’d never see you again.”

“’Tis good to see ye Emily,” He kissed her cheek. “I’ve been meanin’ to come sooner to say hello, but my Mam wouldna let me out of her sight. Afraid I’ll no come back.”

“And why wouldn’t she,” Emily winked. “She’s got her boy home, safe. Well no matter, you’re here now!” She welcomed him in, opening the door wider to let him in. “Claire will be so pleased to see you.”

“Claire?” Jamie’s voice hitched a bit on her name. While he thought Emily beautiful and a wonderful lass, it was Claire that really made his heart beat erratically. “She’s here?”

“Oh yes! Just out back in the garden. You stay put, Jamie. I’ll go and get her,” Emily motioned her arm for him to take a seat on one of the kitchen stools and he sat, taking a deep breath.

Not a moment later, Emily came back followed by Claire. She was as lovely as ever. A glean of sweat on her forehead from working out in the sun, a bit of dirt on her nose and her curls tied up in a blue and white striped bandana.

“Jamie Fraser,” Claire smiled as she stepped out from behind Emily. Then he saw how she had changed. Her belly was big — obviously with child. Claire’s face froze as she saw the expression on his face and then she looked down, her hand resting on top of the bump.

“It seems we have a few things to talk about,” She smiled nervously.

++++++

“So yer pregnant,” Jamie said.

“Yes,” I nodded. After Jamie had managed to pick his jaw up off the floor, we had all moved to the living room. Emily set a teapot down on the table next to three cups, then came to sit beside me. “Nearly five months.”

“The father?”

“That’ll be you of course,” I grinned and saw the muscles in his shoulder relax. “Jamie, we’re so sorry that we didn’t tell you. There’s no excuse for it.”

“Please don’t think that we used you for it,” Emily said, her hand sliding over my stomach. “We were just as shocked as you were when we found out. You see,” Emily glanced at me and I nodded. “Claire was married to a man before and they never could get pregnant.”

“I thought I wasn’t able to conceive,” I said. “So that’s why Emily said that you could um—“

“Have you,” Jamie smiled, finishing my thought. “I dinna think ye used me. Were ye ever goin’ to tell me?”

“We were still debating whether we should or not,” I said and then leaned forward to pour myself a cup of tea. “We know you just got back from the war and had a terrible time there. A baby conceived with a near stranger — one with two mothers, it seemed a bit complicated.”

“Aye,” he chuckled then. “There’s nothing simple about it. Well, I ken know. And if ye would allow me, I would verra much like to be part of the wee lass or lad’s life.”

Emily squeezed my hand and I turned to look at her. We lived such a complicated life, having to shield the true nature of our relationship. Surely, having Jamie in the picture would help explain why and obviously how I was pregnant. Besides, he was a handsome man and very kind. He was waiting for our answer, those blue eyes piercing into mine, his fingers tapping against his thigh.

“Of course you can, Jamie. We would love nothing more.”

His smile lit up his face and it was contagious. He rose from the chair and lifted me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me. It felt good to be touching him again — so often he had come to me in my dreams these past months. Then, he bent down to his knees and placed a gentle kiss to my stomach. “Hello wee one, ’tis yer father.”

I ran my hands through his curls and then tugged a bit until he rose and then leaned my head against his chest. I hadn’t wanted to admit it, but I had been scared after I found out I was pregnant. But also joyful, because I never thought Emily or I would be able to raise a child together.

Jamie’s arm lifted from my back and then I felt Emily pressing against me. I turned my body and wrapped my arms around both of them. We were a odd little family, but a family nonetheless.

A few happy tears later, and cups of tea drank, I went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. I kept it simple, roasted vegetables and glazed chicken. Jamie and Emily sat in the living room and I listened as Jamie told her more about his time in the war.

It felt like a lifetime ago. When I had first joined the army as a nurse and met Emily. We’d been through so much together. We’d both lost loves, but in the process we had found each other. Now, Jamie was a part of it — whatever it was.

As I finished plating the meal onto our plates, I glanced up to see Jamie’s fingers lightly stroking Emily’s arm. When she had told me he was here, my heart leapt a little bit. But I didn’t want to presume that he would end up in our bed tonight.

Smiling to myself about future possibilities, I called that dinner was ready and they both rose from the couch, coming to grab their plates and take them to the dinner table.

“So how have you been, Jamie?” I asked, taking a bite of chicken.

“Verra good, Sassenach. I’ve been at home mostly helpin’ wi’ the house. Just spending time wi’ my family.”

“I bet they’re glad to have you home and safe,” Emily smiled. She took a sip of wine and I felt my tongue salivate — what I wouldn’t give for a drink right about now.

“Och, yes. My Mam has never been more happy and my Da is just glad to have more male company in the house,” He laughed. “My sister Jenny is marrit — to my best friend,” he added. “But still, between Jenny’s bairns and then there’s Mam, the women out number the men.”

“And now there’s another two ladies,” I grinned. “Possibly a third.”

“Will you tell your family about the baby?”

He took another bite of his food, his eyes squinting as the wheels of his mind worked. “Aye. I’ll tell my Da first and then my Mam. They’ll be pleased about the bairn, but of course this is a… complicated relationship to explain.”

I laughed, “You’ve got that right.”

We all finished the meal rather quickly. There was a certain feeling of eagerness and expectation that seemed fit to burst at any given moment. So it came to no surprise when after the dishes were cleaned and put away that we wall ended up in the bedroom.

Everyone was quiet. The only sound was from Jamie — his breathing had quickened tremendously the moment he stepped foot here. No words were needed for what we all knew we wanted.

Before things progressed, however, Jamie smiled, his hands on his hips as he looked at Emily and I. “Sassenach, Emily… I dinna want to —“ he coughed nervously and I saw pink rising up his cheeks. “I dinna want to harm the bairn.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his worry. “Oh Jamie,” I sighed and walked over to him, my hand on his chest. “You won’t hurt the baby. He won’t feel a thing, but I actually had something else in mind.”

I walked over to Emily, sliding my hand around her waist. “I want to watch.”

“Watch?” Jamie smirked and his hands went to the top button of his shirt.

“Of course, I’ll participate later,” I smiled, squeezing Emily’s side. “But I’d like to watch you two. And yes,” I winked, “We have condoms.”

Jamie took a deep breath, his hands on the last button and then he smiled at the both of us. “As long as ye’ll participate later, Sassenach.”

“Oh she will,” Emily laughed, kissing my cheek. I pulled my arm away and then moved to sit in the chair in the corner of the room. Jamie’s hands were at Emily’s waist and then moved to her back to pull on the zipper of her dress.

Not wearing under garments most days, when the dress fell to the floor, she was completely naked. The sight of her made my mouth water, but the sight of Jamie — his hand gently cupping her breast made me almost drool.

“Touch him,” I said from the corner and Emily turned her head back to me slightly before reaching up and pulling Jamie’s white shirt down his arms. Next, her skilled hands were at the fly of his trousers, pulling down the zipper. I heard Jamie’s breath catch as her fingers must have touched his cock.

I had pulled up my dress and it was pooled around my waist. As I watched Emily pull down his trousers, along with his boxers, I unbuttoned the top buttons of my dress, sliding my hand in to cup my breast. Just then, Jamie’s eyes flickered over to mine and then I saw his mouth part as he watched me.

“Lay back,” Jamie smiled to Emily and guided her to lay down on the bed behind them. A moment later, he reached over beside the bed where Emily told him the condoms would be. Of course, we didn’t use them. We had purchased them after Jamie had visited the first time with hopes that he would return.

My other hand slid down between my parted legs, lightly touching my thighs. Jamie rolled the condom on his cock, semi-hard between his legs. Then Emily cupped his face, pulling him down to kiss her. The smacking sounds of their lips and the gentle rock of their bodies was making me wish I hadn’t said I would watch in the first place. But I kept watching — my eyes glued to where Jamie’s cock was teasing Emily’s entrance.

“Oh God,” She moaned. I slid a finger inside of me at the sound, moaning myself. Jamie’s mouth descended on her breast, sucking and licking her nipples. “Christ,” He stuttered as he put both his hands on her legs and opened them wide.

Three simultaneous moans filled the room whenever Jamie finally slid into her. Emily’s hips bucked up and he began to roll against her, his stomach pressing down on hers. As I watched them, I pumped my hand inside of me, biting my lip. I had been with them both and now seeing them together was a feeling like nothing else. Emily placed kisses along his chest, her hands holding onto his hips as he drove home again and again. He was gentle, but with a certain fierceness in his movements.

Quietly, I rose and undressed, shedding my layers until I was naked. I knew they were both coming to the end. As I walked over to the bed, I saw Jamie’s head turn towards me, a smirk across his lips. I crawled up behind him, running my hands lightly against his scarred back. Then I took hold of Emily’s ankles and squeezed them, running my hands up along her calves. As Jamie thrust into her, I pressed myself against him, feeling him rub against me.

“Uhhh,” Emily moaned into Jamie’s mouth as they kissed. I laid my hand on Jamie’s balls, squeezing them and then he let out a deep groan and I knew he had come. My belly was only a little in the way, but not so much that I still couldn’t bend my body over him to press a kiss to Jamie’s back.

Slowly he pulled out of her and then manuevered to lay beside her. She was glowing. Her hair a mess around her face, undone from her high bun from earlier. A light sweat on her forehead and chest, her nipples peaked and pink. As she breathed heavily, I moved up the bed and placed a kiss to her breasts.

“Oh Claire,” She sighed, her hand resting on my hip. I wasn’t done with them just yet. I rolled over onto my back.

“Jamie, come here,” I said as I moved down a bit on the bed. He smiled, his eyes alight as he came to hover over my body. I put my hands on his hips and then squeezed. “Move up.”

“Up?”

“Yes, up,” I smirked and then took hold of his cock, pulling off the condom and tossing it to the floor. He groaned whenever I held him and then he got the idea. Jamie moved his body up over mine until his cock was close to my mouth. Both his hands reached out in front of him, landing on the wall.

“Emily,” I said softly and Jamie’s body twitched from the breath he felt.

“I know,” I heard her smile and then I felt her in between my legs, her hands on my thighs, pulling them apart. Glancing up, I met Jamie’s eyes and he looked like he was in Heaven. Slowly, I placed my tongue on the tip of him, then closed my lips over it.

His hips bucked at the touch and then mine did as I felt Emily’s tongue on my slit. I was going to have to keep focus and not lose myself in the feel of her. One of Jamie’s hands came off the wall and tangled itself in my hair, tugging slightly so I would meet his eye. As I took more of him in my mouth, he held my gaze. So he wanted to watch.

I put my hand around him and began to pump. Fingers grazed his balls and I continued to suck, lick and nibble. Jamie was moaning, his expression one of absolute bliss. It was almost like he’d never had his cock sucked before.

Emily’s tongue licked leisurely up my folds, tasting me, biting me gently. My hips swirled, trying to get more of her. Her small hand came down on my hip, holding me to the bed and I moaned, which made Jamie grunt. The hand on my head began to move, pressing me to take more of him. I obliged by sucking deeper, moving my tongue around. Then I pulled back, kissing the tip before sucking just on the head.

He must have been painfully hard. I began to taste him as he thrust his hips forward, gently, but with enough force to almost make me gag. Emily pushed a finger inside of me, pumping it quickly and as my belly tightened, I drank him down.

Jamie came in short hot bursts, and I arched my back, pressing myself against Emily and with a flick of her finger, I came, groaning with Jamie’s cock in my mouth. All of us were breathing hard and Jamie held still above me after I released him from my grasp. Then he climbed off, sitting down beside me. He laid a large hand over my stomach. Emily moved up my body, kissing me and I tasted myself and Jamie mixed together.

Claire

“What’s the bloke’s name again?” Claire asked as she picked up her camera, checking the memory card and battery.

“Willie.” Geillis’s voice was somewhat muffled as she tried on the last in a string of colorful shirts. “Willie Fraser. Only met him once or twice but he’s a bonny lad.”

“How will I find him? The place will be mayhem.”

“I’ll take ye to him, but only if ye help me settle on the right top.”

She smiled and laughed, seeing her most recent choice- LET ME BE PERFECTLY QUEER written across the chest.

The streets were lined with rainbow flags, confetti, and smiling faces. Music pulsed through the air and an infectious energy filled her as she followed Geillis through the crowd.

Throngs of excited faces lined the pavement of Edinburgh. Rainbow kilts, little kids with colorful balloons, and signs with declarations of love filled the streets. Countless floats were lined up, facing the destination around the corner-a large stage constructed at the end of the parade route.

Flashes of color filled her vision as they darted between the pockets of people. Claire squeezed Geillis’s hand to slow her pace as the crowd started to fill the alleyways.

Geillis pointed to the square, eyeing the crowd as she stopped. “He said to meet here at the fountain at one o’clock. He’s a tall bloke- bright red hair, blue eyes. Heart-shatteringly gorgeous. Canna miss him.” Claire’s cheeks blushed at this and Geillis giggled, elbowing her in the ribs and giving a wink. “Dinna fash lass… ye ken yer no’ his type. He’ll give the signal when it’s time.”

How had she been roped into this?

She hadn’t picked up her camera in months. Medical school hadn’t afforded her any free time, but Geillis had begged her to fill in after the hired photographer backed out at the last minute. Like healing, she hoped that when the time came, her hands would remember what to do. She was determined to capture as much as she could- she just wished she wasn’t so out of practice.

She checked her camera settings as she waited, a nervous habit- always wanting to be ready for the unscripted look, feeling, or reaction that would capture the moment. Looking up from her lens to gauge the direction of the sun, her eyes caught the sight of a mess of auburn curls above the crowd. A sharp jawline framed a strikingly beautiful face. Blue eyes scanned the mass of people- relaxed, happy. Without thinking, she pulled the camera to her eye, focused and snapped three photos, all fixated on the mop of red.

Jesus H.  Roosevelt Christ.

Please say that’s not Willie.

Jamie

Almost one o’clock.

“Come on ye lazy dolts, yer gonna miss the parade.” He looked back, seeing their hands linked and matching flags- one wrapped around Willie’s shoulders, the other was small and hanging loose from John’s back pocket.

His brother Willie had always been loud and proud. John on the other hand… he was subtle, unsure.  Opposites in every sense of the word. But they loved each other- they had from the moment they met three years ago.

This parade. This place, this energy, this acceptance of both life and love. This is where it all started. Jamie had witnessed that exact moment, and it was as sure as the sunrise in the morning that they would end up here. On this sunny day, with love and affirmation filling the air, his older brother would finally have what he longed for most- with him.

Today was going to be a good day.

Hopefully.

He turned back again, this time seeing them entangled in an embrace- arms locked around each other and hands intertwined in each other’s hair and clothing. Willie was whispering something, the tips of his ears a deep red as his lips curled into a smile against John’s cheek.  Jamie shook his head as he laughed and whistled to get their attention, “Come on ye two leannan, or we’ll miss the parade,” as he led them towards the fountain in the main square.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jamie caught a flash of curly brown hair, Ray Ban sunglasses, and a camera. His eyes followed her as she looked around, neck craned in search of something.

Please say that’s the photographer.  

Jamie looked to see Willie’s eyes sparkling with excitement, and he attempted a wink at his younger brother. Seeing the failed gesture, Jamie laughed in response- a wide smile splashed across his face.

“John, I’m gonna go grab a snow cone, want me to grab ye one, too?”

“Oh sure, thanks love.” John smiled, watching as Willie dipped through the crowd; a bounce in his step made him laugh. He tilted his head and smiled, “Sometimes I wonder about that brother of yours.”

“Oh aye- every damn day- and twice on Sunday,” Jamie chuckled as he elbowed John’s ribs. “So are ye two still goin’ on that trip up the coast this fall? Sounds like a bonny holiday.”

“That’s the plan. Willie’s been pretty busy with work these last few weeks, can’t seem to get a straight answer out of him lately.”

Jamie hummed in response, a small smile pulling at his lip that he shook off with a cough. “Tryin’ to peg him down is like herdin’ drunken sheep.”

John had become like another brother to Jamie. He’d watched as Willie’s edges had been slowly softened by John’s quiet presence, but his joy and exuberance had not been dampened- rather it took on a spectacular glow that emanated from his smile to his fingertips.

But the past three years had also showed Jamie just how much he was missing in his own life. A quintessential little brother jealousy crept in as he watched John wait for Willie. The look of anticipation and eagerness on John’s face pinged at his own heart. Willie had John; he needed his someone now, too.

But today was about Willie and John.

The music blasted over the loud speaker, signaling the start of the parade.

John scanned the crowd, looking around with a hint of anxiety creeping into his voice, “Do you see Willie?”

Jamie felt the excitement rise in his chest, and he let his smile show as he said, “Not yet.”

The line of floats slowly passed, and John’s head swiveled around again, eyes darting. The sound of Willie’s voice over the loudspeaker stopped him cold.

“Hello Edinburgh!” Willie’s voice was electric as it echoed through the crowd as the cheers quieted.

John turned to see Willie on the platform of a float, on bended knee.

Willie’s blue eyes glistened in the sun as his eyes locked on John’s face. “I hope you’ll indulge me for just a moment… because I needta say somethin’.”

Jamie put his arm around John and gently pushed him forward. John’s eyes were wide like a deer caught in headlights.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jamie caught the sound of the camera shutter and smiled- it was the photographer. He held his hand out to her, signaling to follow John. With one eye focused through the lens, she nodded- smiling back at him between shutter clicks.

“John Grey,” his voice was starting to shake as he spoke into the microphone, “When I was a bairn, I asked my Da ‘how do ye know when ye find ‘the one’- and he said, “When the time came, I’d have no doubt.’ An’ he was right.”

Murmurs and soft ‘ahhhs’ rippled through the crowd as John stood holding Willie’s hand, tears brimming over as their eyes stayed locked on each other.  

“We met here three years ago. This day. This place. It brought me you.” Willie’s voice was low, husky as he cleared his throat, it was thick with emotion as he took in John’s face. “Ye’ve given me more love, compassion, and happiness than I ever thought to hope for... Ye also give me a healthy dose of cheeky British wit when I need it most.”

John’s face broke from tears to laughter as he raised his hand to his mouth, covering it. From where Jamie stood, he could tell it was shaking and he let out a whistle of encouragement.

Willie’s voice turned serious as he took a deep breath, letting the crowd die down again. “I promise ye a lifetime of adventure, of love, of us. Will ye marry me?”

John nodded his head and through the microphone the crowd heard his answer, a half sob followed by “Yes!” and with that, Willie leapt to his feet. His arms encompassed John, one arm around his waist and the other at the base of his neck, holding his face to his as they kissed. The crowd erupted into cheers and applause as a flurry of confetti, streamers, and music filled the air around them. The float resumed its movement, and Jamie was close enough to them to hear them as they passed.

Holding Willie close, John laughed as he said, “I’m gonna kill you.”

With another failed wink Willie nuzzled his nose to John’s as he said, “Marry me first.”

As the procession continued, Jamie turned to see the photographer at his side, snapping one last photo. Looking back to his brother, he saw their silhouettes, arms wrapped around each other against the backdrop of a rainbow of color and confetti. That’s the perfect shot.

His eyes wandered back to the bird’s nest of curls behind the lens, and he smiled.

And then there was my slow development as a toddler. That must have been an adventure for my parents: a child that couldn’t walk and talk at two years of age.

And then came Brianna. Beautiful, vibrant, charismatic Brianna. She was and is everything I’m not. Tall, outgoing, lovely without even trying. Now, don’t get me wrong. Bree is the most incredible sister anyone could ask for. But, sometimes even love was tainted with envy.

Then, Alex. The boy of the family. Smart and kind, he’ll probably end up a doctor like Mam. That’s just something I can’t compete with.

So here I am. The first-born. I fade in the background, and blend in with the walls. Never one for confrontation. Or conversation, for that matter.

Perhaps that’s one reason why I still haven’t told my parents I’m gay.

Or perhaps I don’t want to disappoint them again.

Either way, that was a secret I kept close to my heart. But I knew, realistically, I’d have to tell them someday.

***

“Are ye okay, Faithy? Yer quiet.”

“I’m always quiet, Bree. I like to leave the talking up to ye.”

She scoffed at me, flipping a curtain of red hair behind her shoulder. “Ye ken what I mean. Quieter than usual.”

“Aye, I’m okay.”

“Yer lying.”

“Aye. I’ve got a lot on my mind, is all.”

Bree wheeled her desk chair over to me, pulling my hands into hers. “Do ye need to talk about it?”

How did I ever get so lucky with a sister like Bree?

“I dinna think it’s something ye can help me with.”

“Maybe not. But I’m here to listen.”

“Not just yet. Maybe soon. But not yet.”

***

Sunday evening family dinner. Tonight was the night; I had decided. It was simply a matter of what to say.

Mam, Da. I’m gay.

Mama, Daddy…

I like women. Like, I really like women.

Lesbian…

Jesus. Why was this so hard?

Straightening up, I looked at myself in the mirror. Confidence is key.

Ugh, same old Faith. The smallest in the family. Same red curls, same brown eyes, same freckled nose.

I was the same. Of course I was the same. Being gay doesn’t change a person.

I just hoped my parents thought so as well…

***

“Mam? Can we have ice cream for dessert?”

“Alex, sweetheart. We had ice cream last night.”

“I ken, but here’s the thing… I think we should have it again.”

We all giggled. Alex: a regular comedian.

“Aye, alright!” Da interrupted the laughter. “We’ve got mint chocolate and rocky road…”

So, dessert. Dinner had come and gone, and secrets were still hidden. Damn it, Faith.

“...Rocky road for Bree, and half-and-half for Faithy.” Da sat the bowl in front of me before placing a peck on my head. This was going to be difficult.

“Mam? Da? Bree, Alex? I’ve… I need to tell ye something.”

“You’re pregnant?!” Mam dropped her spoon in mock horror. So, that’s where Alex gets his humor.

“No! No, no, no. I… I just…” Deep breath. Quickly, like a bandaid. “I’mgay.”

For the first time that evening, the house was completely silent.

Bree spoke first. “Is that what was bothering ye?”

A knot formed in my throat: I couldn’t speak. So, I simply nodded.

“Oh, Faith…” That was Mam.

“Were ye worried about what we’d think?” Da.

“Aye. I didna want to… disappoint ye.”

“Oh, Faith…” Mam repeated.

“Ye would never disappoint us, Faith. We love ye. Always.”

“I ken that, Da. I just…”

“Come here.”

I did. Standing before Da, I looked into his eyes. Shining with tears. He grabbed my hand, and pulled me into his lap. He was so much bigger than me.

“This doesna change a thing.”

“Faith.” Mam said. “I’m glad you told us. How long have you known.”

“Ummm… five years?”

“Jesus Christ, Faith. Ye kept this secret for that long?”

“Aye.”

“Oh, Faith…” Mam said for the third time. “We love you so much. You could have told us. Maybe you weren’t ready, but you could have.”

“I ken that now.” I felt tears on my cheeks. Jesus, when did I start crying?

“Breath. Be true to yourself. We’ll always support you. And we’ll always love you. No matter what.”

“Thanks Mam. Da.”

“I’m thinking…” Bree interrupted. “We need a group hug.”

And that's when Bree grabbed Alex by the middle, and plopped him onto Mam’s lap.

Arms flew around me, engulfing me in the warmth of family.

“I love ye, big sis.”

“Me too.” Alex said, kissing me on the cheek. “No matter what.”