Dear Daily Mail, It has come to my recent attention That my recent appearance at Glastonbury festivals kindly received a mention I was doing a number of things on that stage up to and including singing songs (like you do…) But you chose to ignore that and instead you published a feature review of my boob

Dear Daily Mail, There's a thing called a search engine: use it! If you'd googled my tits in advance you'd have found that your photos are hardly exclusive In addition you state that my breast had escaped from my bra like a thief on the run How do you know that it wasn't attempting to just take in the RARE British sun?

Dear Daily Mail, It's so sad what you tabloids are doing Your focus on debasing women's appearances devolves our species of humans But a rag is a rag and far be it from me to go censoring anyone OH NO It appears that my entire body is currently trying to escape this kimono…

Dear Daily Mail, You misogynist pile of twats I'm tired of these baby bumps, vadge flashes, muffintops Where are the newsworthy COCKS? If Iggy or Jagger or Bowie go topless the news barely causes a ripple Blah blah blah feminist blah blah blah gender shit blah blah blah OH MY GOD NIPPLE

Dear Daily Mail, You will never write about this night I know that because I've addressed you directly I've made myself no fun to fight But thanks to the Internet people all over the world can enjoy this discourse And commune with a roomful of people in London who aren't drinking Kool-Aid like yours

And though there be millions of people who'll accept the cultural bar where you have it at There are plenty of others who're perfectly willing to see breasts in their natural habitat

I keenly anticipate your highly literate coverage of upcoming tours