#qadarin

Because at end of their lives, when Qadarin tried to share his burden with him, Thiernax had nearly lost himself. He remembers rejecting Qadarin’s suggestion of sharing the burden many times, always insisting he could handle it, contain it. Until the night where Qadarin’s words almost couldn’t reach him.

It had been the most terrifying thing, the idea that he would, eventually, lose the one who mattered most to him, that there would come a point where even the soothing sound of Qadarin’s voice would not be able to reach through that red haze, to pull him back, to ground him.

It had been a fear of losing Qadarin, not himself, that had led to him taking the risk, attempting to share the power and wrath of his goddess.

And then it had consumed them both.

When he had woken up…that is another memory that will likely never leave him. He remembers waking and seeing a new world and thinking that he is alone. That despite the smiling faces around him, welcoming him to his eternity, he has lost the one that mattered.

When Qadarin spoke to him, those first words in their afterlife…

Thiernax doesn’t actually know what Qadarin said. But he does know the relief that washed over him at the mere sound, the cadence that he has loved so deeply and desperately.

So long as his eternity is with his husband, he knows that he can withstand anything. Everything.

There may be nights when he still gets overwhelmed with memories of the past, of the rage that wanted to tear him apart, but none of that matters because he knows it will pass. He knows that no matter what happens, the anima drought, mawsworn in Ardenweald, all of it will pass eventually, and the one thing that will remain will be that Qadarin is there with him.

As he wanders through the grove, Thiernax nearly misses the flicker of blue, almost hidden by the leaves off to one side. He trots over and finds Qadarin laying in a shaded spot, head resting on the ground. His ears are flat, and his tail flicks with agitation when he is found.

“Tell me you’re alright and I’ll leave you to your scowl,” Thiernax offers, leaning his head down to nudge Qadarin’s face.

His husband snorts.

When they decided on their spirit forms, they didn’t tell one another. They had spent what felt like an eternity in itself inspecting the different creatures, thinking of ones from their world versus the ones that wandered Ardenweald and the ones that showed up in the dreams of sleeping souls. They had spoken of powerful muscles and hooves and dignified tails. Each had been sure that they were deciding on the same form.

When they had seen each other, they had laughed.

It wasn’t as though they were bound to the forms they had taken, but at the same time, they we both so attached to what they had decided on, neither of them had chosen to change.

“She called them her favored children,” Qadarin mutters, ears flattening a little more. “Gods shouldn’t play favorites.”

Thiernax considers it. Those were hard words to hear. His people had always been so devoted to Elune, to know that there were others she valued more…

He tries to think of something to say to make things better. He wants to tell Qadarin not to think about it like that, to think instead of how they were able to stand in the presence of their goddess again after so long. To think of how much her voice filled them with peace.

But Qadarin did not have the same connection to Elune that Thiernax did. He only held her wrath and he did that for so short a time… Perhaps there is no way to make him understand.

Thiernax draws back from his husband quietly, and Qadarin lets out another snort. “Don’t go defending her.” The great stag lifts his head up, shaking it slightly. “You don’t need to. I’ll get over it, so—”

He cuts himself off as two hands cup his face and lips press a chaste kiss against his nose.

Thiernax gives his husband a gentle smile, thumbs stroking fur. “Be angry if you need to be, you certainly let me run my gambit.”

This time, Qadarin’s snort is less annoyed.

There is a pause and then his former shimmers and shifts and Thiernax is staring into the same face as the one he pledged his vows to, when there was a heart that thumped inside his chest.

Qadarin holds Thiernax’s hands against his cheeks, eyes closed. “I can’t help but wonder how the other night warriors felt, hearing that.” Before Thiernax can say anything, Qadarin sighs. “I imagine they feel similar to you.”

When Thiernax tilts his head, Qadarin sighs. “There’s no anger in you, not toward her. It’s all love.”

Thiernax can’t deny it, and he smiles as his husband turns his head to press a kiss to his palm. Leaning forward, he whispers. “Do you want to know a secret?”

Qadarin wears his suspicion openly.

Thiernax leans forward quickly to kiss him. “I love you more.”

They embrace, and Thiernax takes in the moment, feeling the anger in his husband’s heart shift a little. He doesn’t expect it to fade over night, but Thiernax will see him through it.

After all, Qadarin has done more than that for him.

His world shifts and he is suddenly on his back, with Qadarin leaning over him, mischief in his eyes. “I suppose it’s not much of a secret from me, but I love you more, too.”