#purposebehindthepain

Here’s a fact - I am a control freak. I’m very opinionated, head strong, self-motivated, driven, ambitious and a natural born leader. I’ve always been the type to enjoy and thrive under the pressures of being in charge. Whether that’s controlling my own destiny, the type of woman I want to become, the life I want to build or the environment I'd like to shape for my growth - I like to know that I control it all. I’m also extremely self-aware and I think that’s due to always being very introverted and reflective. My whole life, I’ve always been told that my level of maturity and emotional intelligence was much greater than people my age. With that being said, I am fully aware of how to control my emotions, place my energy in things very thoughtfully and know how to balance logic and emotion. However, I’ve come to realize that when in extreme cases, I lose control of my feelings due to stepping out on risk - I feel helpless. It results in me having feelings of irrationality, discomfort and loss of oneself. Apparently, it causes me to fall into fight-or-flight because of a “perceived attack or threat to survival.” When I no longer feel like I am surviving, or being able to be my true self aka in control of my emotions and feelings - I cling to the control of anything within reach that will enable me to control it. It’s like my mind subconsciously tells the heart - “because I can no longer control your functions, I’m going to control what controlled you.” Unfortunately, what controlled me was the sustained love and attention from another.

First I was this amazingly focused individual that could manage her emotions in a very poised manner. Later, there I was controlling the attention of a man, the answers I expected to hear and the guilt that he felt. He went along with it because he wanted to be with me but not the things that came with the broken trust. I felt like I had the right to control my higher expectations as much I wanted to because I was the one that lost control. unintentionally. all of it was unintentional. I did not know what I was doing to him or the relationship. I wasn’t controlling him to do as I pleased or demanding him to do what I wanted, but I channeled those feelings of “Oh shit, I lost control of my own emotions,” to - “let me control the direction of this relationship and the outcome of feeling like I have no more control.” dramatic... I know. It’s all a part of reflecting.

Moral of the story: