#puretoaster

We...are not easily understood by others, albeit we easily understand each other. In the face of a million things going wrong, we are two people who found and befriended each other. In the depths of my darkest moment we made a promise to each other, after so many promises had been broken, after so much had fallen apart, had collapsed in on itself, right when I was about to give up, we made a promise to always be there for each other. How many times had I heard those words before? How many people had uttered them and were now gone from my life? I was afraid, scared out of my mind, but I had to trust you. I had known you for such a short time and still something, some little thing told me to trust you. 

Trust you like I trusted her. Trust you like I trust maybe 2 other people in the world.

Risk...and try as I might I could not find any other thought in my head at that moment. Thousands of words swimming around and only one could come to mind. Yes. 

I could see myself in you, see that we had each been through too much and we each needed something to believe in and hold onto. 

Every Sunday I find myself thinking about it.  Thanking you for it.

Hello readers (you bored souls that have no idea the scribed terrors I have in store for you),

Today was generally a good day. I saw one of my friends I hadn't seen in about 2 months, I got asked out to dinner despite my reluctant disposition, and I was able to escape my room for a few hours during classes. I also set up a day to go to the Campus Crusade for Christ Ministry, become part of a literary magazine, go to a study group and a meeting for FAFSA. Overall, I give it a 7.5 on my day-to-day meter.

Then, I started to look at my FAFSA. I have to turn it in soon to get my scholarship renewed but the kicker is that I have to be below the state poverty guidelines (currently $22,050.00) and my family is poor so I think oh this won't be a problem! Silly toaster, with the government nothing everything is easy. Well, I called my Dad to get the tax info and it turns out we are above the poverty guidelines and therefore no longer "poor", but still too poor to pay for college without my scholarship. If I lose the scholarship, I have to go back home, work for a year or two till I get money for my tuition and then go back to school. That would suck, because I might get stuck end my dead-end cashier job that I have to plaster on a happy face for every dang day just to survive.

And my dad being the paranoid self-centered man he is thinks that the government is wrong and HE IS RIGHT. Because he is ALWAYS RIGHT. And all the other billions and billions of people on the planet are totally wrong. Including his very own daughter who happened to be reading the instructions to him. The instructions were wrong too, by the way. 

So, I started to get upset because obviously my dreams of being a teacher in 4 years isn't going to happen. And he had the gall to tell me that "everything is fine, sweetie, don't worry." DON'T WORRY? DON'T WORRY!? How the heck am I not supposed to worry?

And so I sat there and prayed for patience and kindness and serenity and whatever the good Lord would give me at the moment to survive the hectic emotions raging inside of me. And he did, he allowed me to cry and rant and rave to my roommate as I said good-bye to my father.

I was so excited about this week until now. I just don't understand it. I thought things were looking up? And now I am stuck wondering exactly where "up" is after being flipped sideways and backwards and back-ways and up-ways and right ways and downwards by circumstance. You know that dizzy feeling you get right after you spun around in a circle for an indeterminate amount of time, that bit of nausea and tightening in your chest? That was me two seconds after I hung up, only instead of spinning I was clinging to my bed for dear life as things got a little more complicated.

I know that God is going to get me through this because He is the only one right now that can see the way out when I am blind in the darkness. He is the only one that I will cling to as the lights dim in my heart and I feel the falling sensation worm its way into my body. God loves a broken heart because sometimes we have to be broken to see exactly how great he is. And, boy, am I broken.

Sincerely,