#pureflower

disclaimer: i'm sorry for this angst. i'm obsessed with this concept, i'm obsessed with them. i may never sleep again. enjoy

Taylor swift Songs x Lily & Narcissa.

It was practically impossible for Lily to get a moment along with Narcissa recently. They didn’t have a single class together, considering the fact that Narcissa was a year her senior. Secret rendezvous in dark areas and silent study sessions with nothing but a mere touch of pinky fingers were enough. They had to be.

But, tonight was a rare occurrence where they could be in the same room. The highly anticipated Gryffindor/Slytherin Quidditch match had been that evening, and the highly anticipated Victory party would be that night. Lily didn’t even care that Slytherin had won, all she cared about was the fact that she would get to steal glances at Narcissa without being questioned.

But when she arrived at the Slytherin Common Room with her friends, Narcissa didn’t even glance in her direction.

Lily felt like the breath had been taken right out of her lungs when she saw her.

Her long blonde hair was no longer tied in her signature Quidditch braids, it hung down in ringlets that framed her face almost perfectly. Her red lipstick, unmarked. Narcissa was speaking to a Slytherin who was in sixth year with her. Laughing at a joke that he made. Some pureblood that Lily had seen in the hallways. She ignored the taste of bile.

‘I’m going to go congratulate the Captain.’ She said over her shoulder to her friends, just tuning into the conversation long enough to hear Sirius and Marlene arguing over who the better kisser is out of the pair.

She made sure not to let her emotions show on her face, after all– she had been seeing Narcissa for months now. Lily hated how easy it had become, lying to her friends.

Narcissa didn’t even look up when Lily walked up to her.

‘Good game today. Congrats.’ She spoke, her voice louder and more bitter than expected.

The blonde looked up. She racked her eyes over Lily slowly. Lily held back a shiver. The Slytherin boy she had been talking to turned around. He took a single glance at Lily then rolled his eyes.

‘Shouldn’t you be fraternising with your own kind?’ His tongue lingered on the word kind.

Lily scoffed.

‘Sorry– who are you?’ Her jaw grinded.

‘Lucius, please.’ Narcissa interrupted, her tone almost bored. Lily tried to ignore the sting.

‘Watch how you speak to me, mudblood.’ He spat. Lily reeled back. Her eyes flicked to Narcissa, almost accusingly.

And when Narcissa didn’t say anything, only avoided her gaze. It felt like the final nail in the tomb.

Lily nodded sourly, and stepped back. She resisted the urge to suckerpunch ‘Lucius’ in the face, she wouldn’t waste a detention on that foul thing she had decided. Narcissa had chosen her side, that was fine. Lily just wished it didn’t hurt as much as it did.

She walked back over to her friends, calm and collected. She ignored the snickers that came from Lucius, and the silence that came from Narcissa. Unsure of what had hurt more.

Once she reached her friends, they exclaimed excitedly at her reappearance.

‘You know what, it’s been a long week. Let’s get pissed.’ She said decidedly, taking a shot straight out of Mary’s hand and slamming it back. She didn’t wince at the taste, after seeing Narcissa look at her like she didn’t know every inch of her skin– nothing would hurt more, ever again.

The night fluttered past like a blur. Shots on shots, dances after dances. Despite the heat that sped through her skin, she couldn’t bring herself to kiss someone else yet. She wanted to, just out of spite. I don’t need you, she wanted to yell. Fuck Narcissa.

She swayed to the sound of the music, her hands around Mary's waist as they giggled and danced. She had almost lost the memory of Narcissa looking like she didn’t care for her in the midst of the dancing when gentle fingers wrapped around her wrist and yanked her from Mary.

Lily stumbled, her vision blurry, but she didn’t stop. She followed the person who was dragging her out of the common room. The door slamming shut behind them, she spun around, almost falling in the process to be met with Narcissa.

‘I don’t understand.’ Lily spluttered. Her red hair clung to her face, a mixture of liquor and sweat scattered across her skin. She reached for Narcissa, but she couldn’t reach her. Just like always.

‘I know you don’t.’ Narcissa’s jaw clenched. She spoke each word eloquently and softly. It didn’t matter how smart she was– when it came to Narcissa, no one made her feel like she knew nothing like she did.

‘Don’t do that– Don’t talk to me like you’re so much wiser and I'm just- I'm just a fool!’ Lily shook her head, dropping her hands down by her sides.

‘Lily.. you’re not a fool.’ Narcissa sighed.

Lily wanted to scream. How dare she just stand there and act like this wasn’t happening, like their relationship wasn’t on the verge of collapsing, like she didn’t even care. How dare she.

‘Fuck you.’ She spoke, hoping she wouldn’t slur her words.

‘I have to marry him.’ Narcissa’s words felt like a slap across the fight. Lily’s eyes widened, before she scoffed.

‘Like hell you are.’

‘I’m serious.’ Lily met Narcissa’s eyes. They had softened. Narcissa always had beautiful eyes. They were a deep shade of blue, and Lily was more than willing to drown in them.

‘You can’t marry him– you can’t love him?’ Lily’s voice cracked on the word love. She hated how she sounded, so weak. Then again, that was always the way it seemed to go with Narcissa.

‘It doesn’t matter what I want.’ Narcissa’s voice was soft, gentle. So unlike her, she was strong. Narcissa had always been the stronger one out of the two of them, but she sounded so soft. Like it was hurting her, like she didn’t have a choice but she did. There was always a choice.

Narcissa reached for Lily’s hand, and she couldn’t help but allow her to take it. Just for a single moment, she let her manicured thumb stroke the back of her hand– for a moment she almost forgot where they were. Looking into her ocean eyes, she felt like they were in the Forbidden Forest again, and Lily was fourteen and they had just had their first kiss.

But Lily wasn’t fourteen anymore, and Narcissa was engaged.

Lily took her hand back.

‘You’re losing me.’ Lily said, her voice sad. Narcissa looked at her with pleading eyes. ‘If you do this, you’re losing me.’ She repeated, voice shaky. She took a step back.

‘Lily it doesn’t have to be like that,’ Narcissa stepped towards her. ‘We can still be us– we just have to be more careful.’ Narcissa raised her hand to Lily’s cheek, taking it in her hand carefully as if she was scared she might break.

Lily turned away.

‘You know, I wouldn’t marry me either. What? A pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her.’ She said bitterly.

Narcissa reached for her again.

‘Do something, baby. Say something, Choose something– risk something Narcissa for fucks sake!’ Lily cried out.

Narcissa flinched, but didn’t say anything. When she didn’t fight Lily, or argue. She knew she had lost. Although she let her shoulders drop, she wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t let Narcissa see her cry.

‘I’m sorry.’ Narcissa whispered.

She stepped towards Lily, taking her by the wrist. Narcissa turned Lily to face her, and she let her. At the end of the day, she was only a girl. A girl in love.

Narcissa placed her hand cautiously on Lily’s cheek. Lily swore she saw fear on her features. She let her forehead fall onto Narcissa’s forehead. As weak as she felt, she needed a moment of familiarity– a moment of love, even if it would be the last one ever.

Lily looked up, meeting Narcissa’s eyes. They watered. She hated seeing Narcissa sad, but a part of her felt comforted by the fact that even a small part of Narcissa was hurting too.

‘I’m sorry.’ She heard the blonde mumble before she connected their lips. They were so incredibly soft. Lily had missed them. She let out a quiet sound as she deepened the kiss. It wasn’t sexual or wanting. It was a different type of desire this time. The type of desire that can only come from wanting someone who you can never truly have, no matter how much you want each other.

A loving, heart wrenching, life ruining kiss. A goodbye.

Narcissa was the one to break the kiss, poetically enough. Lily didn’t open her eyes. She wanted to keep the memory of her warm breath for as long as Narcissa would let her.

‘We were something, don't you think so?’ Lily felt Narcissa whisper in her ear.

pureflower / narlily songs:

- tolerate it

- illicit affairs

- youre losing me

- logical

- the last time

- champagne problems