#punksgoneparent

to celebrate california becoming the first state to end CASH BAIL I am throwing up some extremely personal ephemera from my last sentence, served right before my universe changed as a result of getting clean & getting recovery. these post cards were sent to my ex-husband who was also in custody at the time. I went in on Sept 22nd 2014 & got out Dec 23rd 2014 after pleading guilty to the felony charge of possession (of heroin) for sale. at the time I couldnt imagine my life with my husband at the time ... our relationship festered over 10 years of history from the street to a condo to a house to an RV to a jail cell. right now his bones rest on a bunk at Calipatria State Prison. am I grateful the universe offered me the GRACE to sever ties with my sickness that manifests in drug addiction & codependency? fuck yeah I am. grace got me my seat in the rooms of recovery but my actions & attitude allow me to earn & keep it. after the ephemera sit collages of before/after; the 1st & 3rd I made at 6mo clean in 2015 - the 2nd & 4th I made at 3y & 6mo clean in 2018. the middle split image is my jail ID card from 2006 when I served time on a felony grand theft auto, beneath it me out of custody & off probation visiting the jail in Ventura as part of an amends to myself. I meant to do this last week when it happened but Im a mom with a job, 10 fucking bands on Saturday to juggle the merch of, totally hoped to be on point & post this last friday but its Monday & thats ok xox #bail #jailmail #onstage #ontour #livemusic #concertphotographer #tourphotographer #workingmom #toddlerbreastfeeding #toddlermom #punksgoneparent #ourcandidlife #thehappynow #addiction #addictionrecovery #sobermom #sobrietyrocks #cleanandsober #giftsofrecovery #12steps #workthesteps #soberaf #justfortoday #odaat #wedorecover (at Ventura County Jail) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnRj3Cwg30B/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1hg00gpme5k79

9 years ago I manufactured a careless misadventure from freight trains, public transportation & rides with strangers. my boyfriend-of-the-moment asked me in early march 2010 what my heart desired for my 28th birthday & I howled I WANT TO BREATHE THE OCEAN IN MIAMI. we wandered day in, daze out unemployed & strung up at the neck by our habits - our hearts chained to wreckless abandon by the apathy in our veins - & so. well. we considered the idea inspired. what better time to travel than with no money saved & a physically debilitating chemical dependency! some of my best stories scrawled themselves out during the months of this ill-fated adventure. I wont go into details. its late. stuck in a train yard for two days, with just a 2lb 8oz jar of creamy jiff peanut butter, a gallon of water & 11 days clean ... I felt a long forgotten lust for life. the freedom of needing nothing. the hope that it might last *this* time. I got loaded the next day, in the Bluff, upon arrival in Atlanta. I used to say you havent seen a city until you've seen its ghetto at night. anyway. the trip contained some of the worst spiritual degradation & desolation of my life. the words to capture the feelings of that calamity dont exist. little honey face, my dog zephyr, I got her at a gas station in arizona early in the trip. she loves to sleep with her wrists criss-crossed around my neck. I gave her up later, in my addiction & I got her back the day I celebrated 6mo clean. miracles do happen 💖 xox ps I been silent on here but busy doing; creating mom-ing working (if ya like T-Pain he's today's story) thanks for sticking around 🤘 #bethechange #concertphotographer #workingmom #toddlermom #punksgoneparent #ourcandidlife #sobermom #sobrietyrocks #cleanandsober #giftsofrecovery #soberaf #justfortoday #odaat #wedorecover (at Miami, Florida, USA) https://www.instagram.com/slayer_for_breakfast/p/Bv0zTXXlj3y/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=rlg0h8wty9si

wake and pray work all day I walk past the places that I used to lay now Im paying my way ... but my hopes are so much higher dont count me out Im a survivor I chase these dreams down city streets dead end roads that no one sees and Im proud to be a fighter #dropkickmurphys #11shortstoriesofpainandglory #payingmyway _____________ in 2003 gutted & strung along by disaster, strung out & strung up like a wet flag for addiction, I folded myself neatly into a box labeled junkie. I nodded out on the east coast & came to on the west coast with my parents diplomatically pressuring me to go to rehab. I admitted myself for nine days - enough to kick before a fresh habit. in july 2005 I wrestled myself on the streets; every waking moment shoplifting, selling stolen goods, buying drugs, using drugs, shoplifting again - crack heroin speed my constant companions between catnaps on cardboard in doorways under overpasses in squats. I loitered by porchlights with dreams of sleeping on closet floors in neglected backyards or cradling lonely rooftops. between july 2005 & july 2006 san francisco's finest took me in nine times - monthly really, the other months missing due to already being in custody. these just the first three years of a sharp dive into active addiction that crawled for another decade ... & then some. just 5 years ago with pending felony sales cases I didnt even know if I wanted to be clean. I got out december 21st 2014 with a probation officer & a reporting address & this quiet idea that if I did what other survivors of addiction did that maybe Id enoy a similar result: spending more time living in the world & less time dying in a cell. here I am 5 years later reflecting on last year, on crying tears on the top of my lungs with years clean as Dropkick Murphys holler Paying My Way - knowing these are the moments Im proud to be a fighter xox yeppers, that's Brixton napping thru his official first show - the set began at noon. #punksgoneparent #newparentingstandard #saintpatricksday #ourcandidlife #thehappynow #concertphotographer #workingmom #sobermom #sobrietyrocks #toddlermom #clnsbrpnx #cleanandsober #giftsofrecovery #soberaf #justfortoday #odaat #wedorecov (at House of Blues Boston) https://www.instagram.com/slayer_for_breakfast/p/BvIsQKKH-j3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=iizo369b6zrv