#punkrocks0cks

When we get off the airplane, I am thinking of nothing but her as we greet all the fans. I can’t wait to hug her, to kiss her, to tell her how much I missed her. But looking around the airport, I don’t see her face. I tell myself she just forgot or had work, but I can’t ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach the whole drive home.

Her car is parked in front when I get there, allowing me to breathe a sigh of relief. My relief is short-lived. When I walk through the door, I notice a lot of her things are missing from the apartment. Was she redecorating?

“Baby? I’m home!” I call out, dropping my belongings on the floor as I head towards the bedroom. “There you are! Didn’t you hear me?” I comment when I see her sitting on the corner of the bed. I hold my arms out for a hug but she shakes her head.

“I think we need to take a break.”

I know you're fine, but what do I do? I'm awake and trying while you're sleeping like a babe beside him.

I’ve been home for ten days, not doing much of anything. I can’t bring myself to eat a real meal. The fans are worried now that she changed her relationship status, but I can’t bring myself to tell them I’m okay. The other guys have been checking up on me, but there isn’t much they can do to make the pain go away.

I don’t know how long I have been laying in bed, staring at the ceiling fan until all the blades have blended into one. I thought she was The One, but she hasn’t answered any of my calls this past week.

Five years of a relationship, gone in one short conversation. “I think we need to take a break.” she had declared. I should have seen the signs. “You’re never here for me, I need something more than this.” How had I missed so much? I had protested, trying to talk her out of it, but she just kept shaking her head at me. It was like the harder I tried, the more she told me it wasn’t going to work out. “This is for the best. I still love you.” Something kept telling me it was more than a break. It felt like it was permanent.

My phone screen lights up with an instagram notification. It’s from her. Mechanically, I swipe open to look at her post. The caption reads, “Going to bed with my love.” It’s a picture of her and some guy, legs intertwined on a hotel bed. I throw my phone across the room, feeling my eyes swell with tears I desperately try to hold back.

So she’s fine. She’s already moved on and not thinking of me at all? And who is that asshole anyways? Doesn’t he know we’re only on a break? I spend the rest of the night in a restless sleep, only dreaming of the two of them together, her happy without me.

I'm on the ledge while you're so God damn polite and composed. And I know you see me. And you're making it look so easy. What comes and goes, I'd go without.

I’m not sure what I thought going to our favorite restaurant would help. A few people recognize me and I take quick photos before sitting at a table in the corner. I check the time on my phone, the screen now cracked because of my outburst last night. The waitress comes over to my table to take my order and I almost break down. The waitress is much older than her, but their eyes are almost exactly the same color. Clearing my throat, I order a coffee so I don’t get kicked out.

“You okay, Hun?” she asks when she comes back with it. I mumble something about just being tired and she purses her lips, debating on keeping quiet or saying something. She chooses the latter, “She’s missing out if she doesn’t want you Sweetie.”

“How did you know?” I reply, surprised at her comment.

“It’s written all over you. I’m sorry Sugar.” she gives my shoulder a motherly rub before walking off. I watch the waitress go, but then I see her walk through the door with the guy from her photo last night. His arm is around her waist. She is far too comfortable around him. How long has she been seeing him while I was away? My grip on the coffee mug tightens and I nearly choke, but I can’t tear my eyes off of her.

She looks up and I know she sees me, but she pretends not to. They sit down, never taking their eyes off each other. I swallow the bile rising in my throat as he slides his hand up her thigh under the table and she doesn’t push him away.

It takes everything in me not to run over and beg for her to take me back. I’m better than him. I throw money on the table, stalking out.

Well now there's him and now there's me. The secrets you give and the secrets you keep. And nevertheless, it's never you let. The more that I give and the less that I get. Don't tell me to fight, to fight for you. After this long, I shouldn't have to.

I can’t bring myself to leave, so I just sit on a bench across the street. It’s probably creepy, but I don’t know what else to do anymore. When they leave, she sees me standing there and whispers something in his ear.

He lets go of her, leaving her on the other side of the street as he begins making his way towards me. I stand, clenching my fists at my sides as he approaches me.

“What are you doing here?” he inquires loudly, getting far too close to me for my liking.

“Oh, my bad. Is this your street, asshole?”

“Why don’t you just fuck off? Clearly, it’s me she wants and not you,” he states, staring at me cockily, “I’ve been fucking her for MONTHS. It’s my name she screams at night.” he adds as an afterthought.

Without thinking, I punch him in the jaw with all the force I can muster. He falls back and she runs over then, yelling at me for hurting him.

“Why won’t you answer my calls?” I implore as quietly as I can manage. She makes a disgusted sound, helping him back up. “What can I do to make you come back?”

“Nothing.” she says through gritted teeth and I bite back the urge to punch him again for taking my love away from me.

Instead, I keep my eyes trained on her. “That’s not good enough. You can’t just leave after five years with no reason! Don’t I at least deserve to know what I did wrong?” I say as smoothly as I can, though I can hear my voice cracking.

“You should have fought for me.” she replied softly

“I DID! After this long, I shouldn’t have to!”

“Come on baby, let’s just go. He’s not worth it.” he says, rubbing his chin where I had hit him with one hand, holding the other out for her to take.

“Okay,” she replied, grabbing his hand. She looks up at me. “I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to work anymore.”

“I gave you everything I had.” I whisper, running my hand through my hair.

She turns to look at him, “Let’s go home and get you taken care of.”

I know you’re fine, but what a fallout.