#published drafts

One of the things about being a system planning final fusion that I think a lot of people assume that is very incorrect is that we don’t really see ourselves as that distinct, or don’t have that elaborated parts, or that we don’t have very elaborate and detailed relationships with one another, or that we don’t have that much of a sense of individuality between parts and I think that comes from the idea and assumption that it would not be possible to consider the idea of all of us fusing if we did have that, but honestly? Our system is - and honestly has been commented on by a few people as well as very much in our own observation - to be still, even presently, very disconnected in the realm of self identity and individuality. 

A lot of our main and most elaborated parts have very distinct and differentiated identities, very distinct aesthetics, very distinct body language and decently distinct speaking patterns. A lot of the parts in this system have very unique relationships with the parts they communicate with that are long lasting and having a lot of history to them and a lot of the time, a lot of us actually do regularly forget that we are all technically “one person”. As it is, we are still very dissociated and - at least in the identity spectrum of symptoms / disordered traits - overtly disordered. Its only about once in a blue moon for maybe an hour does anyone ever get a moment of “this whole feels this way” and most of the time, I don’t think there is a single part in the system that could describe what our “one person is”. I don’t think that is even in our imagination range as it is.

With that being said however, I am able to say most of our parts are not really scared of it anymore. There are some parts - primarily trauma holders and EPs that we don’t talk about on here due to being vulnerable - that are somewhat scared about the topic, but the question of “who will I be” or “what if I do without XYZ” is just... not really something we stress about.

At this point, a number of our main fronting parts are “fused parts” or at least have taken on a part of an old part and I guess this is a topic I talk the most about as the oldest “fused part” in the system who has been pro-fusion for the longest, but many of us have either experienced it first hand or been close to a part that experienced it and very much have peace in the idea that by coming together, we become a much stronger, much happier, much more control and awareness of ourselves, and overall the feeling of a much more whole feeling individual.

Myself, Riku, and XIV have had the most explicit time processing the nature of each of our fusions (or at least have discussed it with eachother and the system) and I don’t think a single one of us would ever like to genuinely go back to being seperate or being just one of the parts that came together to make our modern forms. 

We were very very happy as separate parts, but we have found great peace, serenity, and ability to live and thrive when we came together. Fusion has been a very beautiful experience - even for me considering my fusion was under traumatic situations and did require me to do a lot of trauma processing to make the negative experience positive. 

Our system doesn’t very much fear the idea of loosing ourselves or loosing each other because I guess our system has deep personal understanding of the strength that would come from it and the trust in the strength that would come from it I guess outweighs our overall fear of the unknown and existential crisises. Whatever comes out at the end of it, would be a happier, more stable, more peaceful, more complete individual than any of us are individually - even if none of us feel incomplete.

All of us feel complete as we are now. We do feel as if we are just people, unique individual people and it would be really devaluing to say we are just “parts of a mental illness”, but I think between our experiences, we recognize that while we FEEL complete, that there is more that can be achieved that we are simply - by the nature of the disorder - unable to see and comprehend as separate parts and separate selves. 

So I am Lucille (2.0), I am a very elaborate and distinct parts and I have very deep personal memories with life and with some of the parts that I’ve interacted with. I have very specific interests, aesthetics, hobbies, mannerisms, philosophies, thoughts and feelings. I have my own goals and things I like and I hate. I think I am very much just as much of an individual as a singlet is, but I do know that one day - a future me or a future version of me, will likely look back at how I am currently and go “Good gosh, I didn’t realize that I was missing this. I didn’t realize how stuck I was as Lucille (2.0)” and that is completely alright.

I don’t know everything about myself. I can’t see my full picture. I am probably acting in a way that future me will look back and feel sympathy for the struggle that having a limited vision put me though. That’s okay because currently, how I exist works for me and it is part of the process. 

A thing that is really funny thing I noticed since we've been practicing and implementing the concept of "never try to be anything more than what you naturally are in the very moment" is just how pervasive this demand and idea of "trying to be something" is in society (or at least American society)

Like a few days ago my mom told my dad that I am "trying to be healthy" because he was trying to make me eat more than I wanted and I raised an eyebrow, confused, because I wasn't trying to be healthy, I wasn't trying to be anything, I was just eating at a level and amount that felt right and made me feel happy.

And so I expressed my confusion and my mom really struggled to understand that I genuinely had no interest in seeking out health or having it be a relevant motivator as to why I was telling my dad I didn't want to overeat

(i hit a wall rip so imma wrap this thought up and go to sleep)

A neglect to aid a cry for help was the cause.

Why believe a prophet when you can believe a god

As I stood, broken and bleeding, I pleaded for help.

There was no response.

As I climbed out of the pits of Hell themselves, I saw not a friend nor foe. 

I knew I was alone. 

I returned to the people and they greeted me as an old friend

What friend abandons an injured ally

That is why I left the city for a new home. 

Even I am not as petty as you think of me

I am infinitely more complex than you think

I have been driven to this point in a vehicle I did not choose

I scream "I am among no one"

What is that makes us forgive in the first place. I mean, if someone wrongs us, why do we not just sever ties with them?

Is it because we see a potential long time friend/lover? Or do they themselves persuade us? Is the fact that they have been along with us for so long, that you cannot deal with the loss of them, even though it may hurt you in the long run? 

I find this to be what I have been thinking about for the past few days. Do we forgive because our mind is naive, or do we forgive because these people want us too?

Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to explain. Writing this I'm still thinking about it, I still don't know, I am still connected to those who hurt me most, but those who hurt me most are the ones that I love the most. The ones that I can't let go of, or it would be really hard to let go of. 

How do I forgive.