#publicdefense

why it's hard: 

Last night my boyfriend came home from his first day at one of the biggest law firms in the country- Skadden Arps. 

They fed him breakfast and lunch. He was flashing around his new blackberry babbling about a blackberry comeback. Today he is going to lunch (out, of course- fancy probably) with his partner and associate. He won't pay anything. He's getting paid more in a week than I will make this entire summer. 

His work ID card also operates as a MOMA pass. 

(He also worked very hard and deserves this & more)

My office doesn't have a scanner. Not one scanner for a whole office full of public defenders. 

I will need to pay for lunch breakfast and dinner and an additional 300 dollars a month for public transit to get to my job. 

I actually don't really get paid- I just have a grant and no, my parents are not supplementing my income in any way. And no I do not have a trust fund and yes, I would like to get paid. 

When I came to law school... everyone- family, friends, strangers on the bus that asked what I did for a living... literally EVERYONE thought

a. I was guaranteed a job out of school

AND 

b. I would be rolling in money. 

Unfortunately for them, I have been quietly drawn to public service. I don't exactly broadcast in and I am not yet the CHAMPION OF RIGHTS that some of my classmates are... but I am quietly drawn to the work and the people. 

There is something seriously wrong with our prison system and the way we treat young and first time offenders- and it's something that I would like to fix. But quietly. Methodically. Reasonably. 

I am in between people like my boyfriend (who, if I made him sound like a jackass is actually incredibly down-to-earth and wonderful) and people that bleed the cause of public interest- and look down at those that might want to be a part of the action but are not as... vocal about it. 

It's something I struggle with everyday. 

And if you don't think a public interest person gets jealous at all of the perks of a corporate attorney- the meals and the trips and the strip clubs (actually, ew no, not that) and the free shit- you're wrong. At least, at my end as a real human being and not a robot. 

But at the end of the day, I chose this road. I could have worked for a judge or a mid-sized firm or anything else that paid actual money and had easier, friendlier clients- but I.chose.not.to.

And it wasn't a choice I made at age 2- to help the common good- it was a choice that took 26 years, two VERY trying semesters of law school and a slew of internships to make. 

But now that I made it- I have to deal with the fact that I will never be rich. I will always be slightly indignent that my office doesn't have a scanner and the attorneys at Cravath or Skadden or wherever probably have personal chefs and free massages around ever corner- and my clients cannot afford bus fare. 

There is always that sense of indignation. 

But a balance has to be struck. 

Because everyday that Luke comes home- I SEE the other side. I see him forego plans with my friends and I for welcome parties, dinners, weekends with co-workers. I would probably do the same. 

But no one picked this road for me. No one picked the road of sullen clients, little to no sleep on little to no money, cheap suits, cheap coffee hours upon hours of work with no overtime. 

I.picked.it. 

and with great thought and care. 

why I want to do it anyways: 

because at the end of the day, when I win a case or keep someone out of jail- when I fight for what should be done- I will feel all the better.

I remember reading about a case with my classmates in the New York Times. About a criminal- famous- acquitted of all charges. 

I'll never forget what one of my classmates said "that's strange that a shitty public defender could pull that off."

There is a girl in my class that is one of the most brilliant students at the law school in the moment- and she will do some sort of public service job. 

I am sure this kid would never call her a shitty public defender.

To be a public defender is to forgo prestige, perks, to sometimes be thought of as a "shitty" lawyer because public defenders offices don't often look at grades, to deal with clients who think they know more than you do- because one time their friend Bugsy got in trouble and he got only probation and that's what your client thinks he should get and you are a shitty attorney if you don't get it for him. 

But still, I want to do it. 

because it means something because I am doing something that I believe in, because I will NEVER be bored. 

So, yes. The fancy perks bring a sort of anger and jealousy.