#ptsd hell time

i'm in a weird place with myself, generally, and my relationship with other people being attracted to me and i know that's part of this

but i keep seeing the posts about like. being attracted to someone's mind and personality is better than just their body or "using" them for sex and like, i get. the point. but there's this weird...haughtiness or like...holier-than-thou sort of attitude about it like attraction to bodies versus in-depth attraction to personalities/minds/etc is Lesser somehow and just

no, for several reasons, not the least of which is aromantic people are right there shut the fuck up

and also there's a like. it's. especially when it's framed as hetero or at least a woman talking about wanting to be appreciated for things besides her body there's this...assumption of bodily objectification on it, which is understandable, but more than that it's an assumption of prettiness. it's an assumption that women (general) have all experienced being objectified because they're pretty/attractive and being seen as that and nothing more than that.

but uh. [hysterical maniacal laughter in the distance] no!!! actually!!! some of us were objectified because we were considered so ugly or repulsive by some standard that we were dehumanized for it! and so there's this extremely weird and honestly kind of violent disconnect between when i see these posts and i'm like. it's absolutely not that i want the other kind of objectification, or that i want to Be Conventionally Pretty (i don't; my appearance goals are more like "scaring your conservative grandma" and "i hope someone has to try and gender me and takes a fucking guess today") but more that like. jesus i would like to experience being overtly appreciated FOR physical attributes.

once again i just. so much of this was done to me. on purpose.

i was trained. like a fucking dog. negative reinforcement. the ND kid does something weird, you kick it, and it stops doing the weird thing, right?

this was done to me on purpose.

and now i'm sitting here with rolling nausea and a temp that's dropped, muscles seizing, because of... a conversation.

because i did something wrong, and i was trained that if that happened, i was going to get kicked! i was trained! i know what happens!

it won't happen. not here. not her.

but still—

I am going to fucking crash out and do something stupid

what is "something stupid"? well there's a lot of options! relapsing. punting my screaming nephew. yelling at my mother that she raised me in a cult and it has massively fucked up every area of my life.

i am deeply, viciously not okay and i really do not know what to do with or about that right now

i tried to use a therapy tool and it backfired

i tried to complain about that backfiring and complaining backfired

i would like to unsubscribe from human relationships and emotions and life in general, because apparently i'm fucking bad at all of it

imagine being able to communicate directly and actually be understood

imagine being able to understand other people who are, ostensibly, communicating directly to you

apparently can't fucking be me

so this is probably a bit of a weird request, but

it is incredibly likely that a grand portion of the nightmare of migraine hell time has been migraine-induced psychosis, and like. well. okay. that's a lot.

i'm pretty certain this is the case and i am in fact already talking to my care team about it (or have plans in place to do so soon) but i wanted to talk to some other people who regularly experience psychosis and know it about their experiences to confirm some things if i can

so uh. if you see this and are psychotic/have psychosis/psychotic episodes, and are willing to talk to me about some of the details of your experiences (or listen to me talk about mine, and confirm if that tracks with your experiences), please send me a DM or an ask!!!

how's my self-concept doing?

well, one of the songs on my About Me playlist just came on randomly, and i cannot make myself listen to it, because the reason it's on my About Me playlist is that i'm quick to love and express that and this song is about that,

and my first thought hearing the opening chords was, "oh, that's bad though, maybe i should go back to trying to make that part of me go away again"

does anyone else ever realize they're like. dangerously depressed, but it's...distant?

like. i'm not dissociating. but i recognized the level of depression in the same way someone might notice a bug crawling over their shoe outside---total disinterest aside from the noticing, just kinda. hm. that's there. there it is. i know what that is, and what it represents.

anyway. i'm safe and i'm doing things about this, i just. there's something that feels...idk. like maybe i should be alarmed at the complete lack of alarm at my recognition of my current state. because, yeah, i am safe and i am employing guardrails as we speak and if this goes on i'll be doing more, it's just.... the realization of, "oh, i am at a level of depression that could become actively dangerous to my health," being at the same level of emotional intensity as, "it appears the weather is unremarkable today," is so.... different than everything has been for the last. two years.