i'm in a weird place with myself, generally, and my relationship with other people being attracted to me and i know that's part of this

but i keep seeing the posts about like. being attracted to someone's mind and personality is better than just their body or "using" them for sex and like, i get. the point. but there's this weird...haughtiness or like...holier-than-thou sort of attitude about it like attraction to bodies versus in-depth attraction to personalities/minds/etc is Lesser somehow and just

no, for several reasons, not the least of which is aromantic people are right there shut the fuck up

and also there's a like. it's. especially when it's framed as hetero or at least a woman talking about wanting to be appreciated for things besides her body there's this...assumption of bodily objectification on it, which is understandable, but more than that it's an assumption of prettiness. it's an assumption that women (general) have all experienced being objectified because they're pretty/attractive and being seen as that and nothing more than that.

but uh. [hysterical maniacal laughter in the distance] no!!! actually!!! some of us were objectified because we were considered so ugly or repulsive by some standard that we were dehumanized for it! and so there's this extremely weird and honestly kind of violent disconnect between when i see these posts and i'm like. it's absolutely not that i want the other kind of objectification, or that i want to Be Conventionally Pretty (i don't; my appearance goals are more like "scaring your conservative grandma" and "i hope someone has to try and gender me and takes a fucking guess today") but more that like. jesus i would like to experience being overtly appreciated FOR physical attributes.

Honestly I have always avoided posting WIPs like a plague, but now? I'm finding it freeing in ways I had no recollection of before. The fact that there is always something to go back home to do - the fact that there are a few handful people reading your fic, waiting for you - and the fact that you're building a little community of friends who are willing to go to the end of its line with you.

Writing stops being about validation or kudos in WIPs, and instead, you're more interested in hearing your readers bash you with invisible maces for what you're doing to their favourite characters, or giving you multi-coloured hearts for healing them. And in these few comments, these few expressions of love, you realise we're all just sides of the same coin, sharing our love for fandom in different manners.

So I’ve been wrestling with something for a few days, and I’m still not sure what the right thing to do is. I feel like just deleting my account and leaving, but I also love coming on here and reading everyone’s posts and stories, I’m conflicted, which is why I’ve taken a break. Tumblr (Simblr) is the only social media platform I use regularly, I no longer have Twitter since Musk took over and I haven’t posted on Facebook in months but I keep it because I have a lot of my Canadian cousins on there and I don’t want to lose touch with them. The only other platform I dip in and out of is Instagram as I’ve been on it since 2010 and I kinda love it for its simplicity and (in my personal experience) the no bullshit no drama feel.

I've learned growth is about being able to admit the wrongs and apologizing. I've reconnected with friends I've known for over a decade, made new friends and have held them very close and dear, and stopped running from people-- I refuse to allow myself to be temporary because I don't deserve that and neither do my friends.