#psydro

Psydro returned.... "hey if i swim 🧜🏾‍♂️ by your city this winter may i apologize in person? maybe on your b day to be extra af. u down?"

Something I realized yesterday while I was in the shower around 4:30 p.m. I never understood the part of a mentor or someone to look up to because there is no one that is like me out there. Now I know this is a concept that isn't groundbreaking or new, it's just something that's super sad. No one out there is like me. I am just alone in my own unique shit show of minority statuses and no one wants to connect over them. It's because despite what people say, no one else on earth is apparently a gay, adopted, Asian, raised in a mix household, with invisible diagnosed disabilities, and asexual. I don't even need someone to fit all the bills, but finding someone who can stick around long enough to fit 2 or 3 and respect the rest if all I ask for. I am so sick of being told, "Maybe if you just___, they'll respond to you better. I don't think people understand how much I have to hold back everyday in order to maintain a general respect of being a human being. I have been me before, and it led me no where. My entire life has been people saying, "Oh I know someone who was/is gay/adopted/_____." People judging how to interact with me based on other peoples experiences. It turns out if I am not fucked up and adopted that people do not care about me. If I don't hate the fact I am adopted and know my birth family and everything about me, I am unrelateable.  No one ever has the ability to understand me as a whole. Just parts. No one seems to care to try either since 3 years cycle is about to end strong again with Host. I care too much, because I have nothing else to attach to. I am alone, and I wanted to be an example and representation for others, but my 'Mentor/Supervisor' didn't believe in me or half of my adjectives.  I love my identity, but it is also the most isolating thing on earth. Thank god, CRA just came out and I have the soundtrack to be emo with. Emo is the only comfort I have, because it allows me to be angsty and proceed. High functioning depression or not, whatever this actually is, I am just happy that I know my place in the world. To be alone, but not in a sad way. Just a way that makes it hard to be happy all the time.  I wish others would truly understand, but they can't. I have tried for years, and led to nothing but self-pity fests. So I am cynnical and bitter because no one can/tries/wants to accept me for me. I'm too exhausting. At least I like me right? Anyways I have to go coach now. I can't keep rambling. I am already 20 mins late because I needed to type this. Point is, I'll get through this too; just life shall be alone.

Maybe if I officially adopt the Seth name like Alan itd work out more?

I knew him when he was Manuel. No idea who this Alan guy is. #RandomThoughtsOfTheNight #YourFace #YourHair #YourTopics #EastVsWest