#psychiatric problems

The impossibility of being diagnosed as a sufferer of a painful and very permanent thing as APBS (adult post bullying syndrome) lies in how well I am able to perfectly describe it, whether i can remember enough incidents to show a pattern, finding a person who believes they happened the way i perfectly (sarcasm) described, effectively transcribing my experiences so that they can examine them as if they just witnessed them, and having that person care enough to listen and do all those things. and have that person be in a position to do something about it. SPOILER; I can't do these things. I can never describe every event that I experienced. I can try to describe life for me how it used to be.

I used to be 15 for example, and had a room and went to a school and lived in a fairly small town and had a mother and father. My father didn’t work and my mother was a family practice doctor. They were christians and optimists generally, and believed in being “good” and that “bad” was not what they were. If they ever deviated from “good” behavior, it was still effectively “good” behavior because, “justification.” My father, dad, justified everything. My dad justified hitting me with having a traumatic childhood, and being beaten by his own dad. My dad justified violently overreacting to minor offenses in chore neglect and other forms of neglect by me and my siblings because we are doing it to “try to make him angry, or WANT to show how little we care about his well being” because its life or death if the kitchen gets cleaned. and he felt it was fine to put words in my mouth, and even create a voice for me. a literal voice. I mean speak out loud as if he were me and say that that is me and that is what I am saying even when i disagree. And I could never disagree. Disagreement is admission to subordination or defensiveness, and defensiveness is evidence of disrespect and hostility. In my dads eyes, it’s fine to react to my hostility (the one he projected) and crush it. crush it until there is nothing but a broken person in front of him. He’d use voice, manipulation tactics, gas lighting, demeaning, condescending, being sexist, and being physically and visually violent to get me to the stages of crying, shivering, begging for mercy, begging to be left alone, or screaming to be dead. I can’t really describe having this continue 2 - 5 times a week, 8 to 20 times a month from early childhood till age 20.

So but what’s impossible too is aside from those incidents that lasted 10 minutes to an hour a piece? the rest of the time? he was a “nice” person who did a lot of apologizing (not learning or growing so much but). Yes, even in my eyes now. I love my dad. I love my dad and I’m 24 and I hit myself when I feel shame because I think i deserve it, but not that he deserves to feel bad. Mostly because I suspect he has BPD and i KNOW he has depression.

Sidenote: apbs is connected to extreme empathy, i’m not shitting you people are selling that as one of the “positive outcomes” of having it. As in here is how this is good so we don’t need to treat it like a problem.

but it is a problem for me. as a result of APBS I can’t trust people, I create a voice of pure judgment FOR people closest to me (kind of like him) and make myself repeat it and listen to it unfiltered every hour. I engage in over shopping, over drinking, over smoking, over eating, and excessive alone time indulging in other distractions to cope with the blowout of shame and self hatred. I can’t balance my mind between optimism and pessimism ultimately being hurt by both. Being too optimistic has meant pouring myself (sometimes time, money, energy, etc) into something I hoped for that wasn’t realistic and losing any positive emotion (and did i mention money) I’d invested leaving me drained and sometimes broke. OR of course there’s pessimism, I pretty much just label that as depression and call it a day. No middle ground. I do not live a healthy lifestyle of learning from mistakes if I make them. I either am a loser or a winner. either I’m worthless or better than the people around me (I labeled this as narcissistic personality disorder but turns out its simply a bi-product of my contrasted mentality that haha i can’t unlearn). Oh and also I have rage problems. It's violent tendencies like kicking walls or screaming, or breaking things, or anger at reliving trauma like what you would associate with ptsd (but not quite). Its not the same because the outbursts don't occur RIGHT AFTER being triggered. they are slowly built up (called having a longer fuse) and pre-empted by ruminating on pervasive, negative thoughts. So yay, they often happen when I’m alone so no one can check them.

​Cordileone said the exorcism prayers in Latin, remarking that “Latin tends to be more effective against the devil because he doesn’t like the language of the church.” The prayers were different from those offered when a person is believed to be the subject of demonic possession.

“The Exorcist,” the memorable horror film of 1973, depicts exorcism as a relatively rare and secretive endeavor. But it’s now so common that some exorcists combat demons remotely using their cell phone, according to Chesnut.

In the United States, one of the premier Catholic entities focused on exorcism is the Pope Leo III Institute in the Chicago suburb of Libertyville. Though operating with approval of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, it is independent and privately funded, with a focus on training and educating priests about exorcism.

In a statement on its web site, the institute acknowledges there is some skepticism about exorcism and demonic possession.

One perennial challenge for modern-day exorcists is to determine if a person potentially possessed by the devil is in fact suffering problems better addressed by mental health professionals.

I can’t wait until summer, right now. The thing I’ve been noticing is so great about summer lately is that a big factor in how school sucks so much is that you have good days, bad days, dissociative ones, unfocused or silly ones, focused ones, inspired ones, exhausted ones, or ones where you just feel all plain and bleh, but in school, you have the same schedule everyday that you have to stick to and be productive, focused, and doing well despite the random spontaneity and external factors of life. And something so nice about summer is that you can go with your flow and live as you do rather than having to fit your fluid condition into a solid, structured schedule.

And I’ve just been stressing out so much, right now, because my life is such a mess. My executive dysfunction has caused me to stress out so much over my current school work. My History teacher is great, and he’s so chill and fun, and we all enjoy this, I’m not complaining (except for that one super strict, rules-y, we-need-more-homework, Christian girl, not even kidding), but I’m pretty sure everyone really hopes that next year, he can make us feel more alert, concerned, or less chill about our work and projects, because pretty much all of the juniors and sophomores reached a silent consensus on Thursday to pull an all-nighter to finish his essay.

I’ve been trying to do some Wiccan stuff, and do more in exploring spellwork and herbs, and I feel so good and confident in it recently!! Because I’ve been doing a lot, focusing a bit on it, came up with a design for my altar, and actually doing some spells and have herbs in my mom’s garden. But a little recently, I’ve been wanting to do a certain spell or two, but current, because,,, everything just keeps toppling on top of each other and crashing against it. I can’t sleep. Or it’s too late to take a shower for that spell, they’ll hear me. And I feel bad. Had some herbs days ago. Welp, oops, nah, can’t do it. Like, fuck.

And now I’m doing my biology essay. I’m stressing the fuck out, because this here was a mix of executive dysfunction, and ME NOT GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER, and fuck, I just wanted to cry a minute ago, and my heart is pounding, because I can’t organize myself. I’ve tried and tried again, put things in my calendar, set up alarms. And in the end, I forget to look at it in the morning when I get up, or when the calendar’s on my door, in front of my face, or it justs goes out the other way. Great days, great moments, and weeks when I actually sorta organize, take care of my folders, and do the right things!!! But then it all goes to shit. Falls apart and fades away.

There’s all these things I want to do, haven’t done, school stuff it’s too late for now, and stuff I need to push back or further off that I wanted to do earlier before so I can do my work, because my schedule's so messed up now and tangled up like yarn. I haven't been doing a lot of my English homework just because I’ve been disassociating. And I don’t even really know if I have ADHD. The psychiatrists have diagnosed me with it, the adderall helps, and it certainly makes sense. I don’t think it’s actually harmful to take the medication or say I am, and it seems fitting. But I’ve taken it as an appearance and see it like a scientist would. 99% sure. And I want to see the psychiatrists and therapists, or medical professionals of any kind about dissociative disorder, but I want to do it lowkey. I hate attention or saying something that might be of interest, so I don’t like the idea of mentioning it to my parents, just because I’m the sort of person who hates carrying a big bag with a Christmas gift to school because it’s big, and I wish I could lowkey get an appointment. Maybe with someone at school??? And like, I once mentioned it to my mom, in a small way, and she brushed it off. My dad is so frustrated that the government people at my school still haven’t done the testing they said they would to learn more about me.

And now, with all my missing English homework, my grade isn’t bad, but I’ve now ignored the past-due assignment he gave some people for being able to redeem their first semester so they could pass (instead of summer school), so there’s no way of not getting summer school now.

And I really need to work on this biology essay and do it. Biology is fine for me, and it’s great, and all that shit, because I’m an amazing scientist at heart, but this is so much work and time, and I really need some help coming up with ideas, because this is a pretty complicated prompt I’m proud of coming up with, but the experiment??? And hypothesis?? And yet, my science friend is stressing and depressed right now, and I can’t ask the one science friend that can help me with this thing so much for help.

A psychiatrist is a set to rights who possesses an M.B.B.S degree excluding a recognized institute along with higher degrees or diplomas in cooperation with specialization in psychiatry. Different surveys shows that that a there is a vociferous fancy respecting the psychiatrists in India. The ratio in between psychiatric patients and doctors is very poor invasive this clod. This stream of medical science deals with psychiatric diseases like, schizophrenia, psychosis, anxiety, economic growth etc. The dermatologist not only knows the personage psychology as tolerably as neurology disinterestedly excepting beyond understands the suck dry of scientific medicines. Thus, a psychiatrist becomes a specialized mandarin in the field pertinent to psychiatry.<\p>

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There are village mental care hospitals in favor West Bengal as well as different parts in India. Private nursing homes specialized access treating mental patients also provides these types of treatment through its indoor and outdoor services. Many agencies are there those provide mental healthiness care to the psychiatric patients. Visiting a Consultant neuropsychiatris in Kolkata, a psychiatric patient boot exasperate charismatic treatment. Thus, medicines option is there, psychiatrists are there, patients are there, only a few misbelieves are diverting the whole process and in reoccur the patients as utterly as their family members are suffering badly.<\p>

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