#psyche exploration

It just wasn’t fair. Sunlight Blade was loyal, he was appropriately pious, he did everything he could to honour his patron goddess and her sister, her niece and her student. He offered prayers, protected her, offered up regular offerings to them all...

Will I never be rid of this curse Celestia? Why must your perfection haunt me so?

Sunlight Blade’s melancholy had returned, a brooding, malodorous feeling he just could never properly shake. Looking out the window of the grand library of Canterlot, across the cityscape. Idly, he noted he could point out where each statue of Celestia was, and even where his church was. For some reason, this thought annoyed him mildly, but considering the prospects of other thoughts in his head made him grimace as they, inevitably, returned to his mind’s eye’s perfect recollection of Celestia.

Which, naturally, affected his mood for the worse once more.

Twilight Sparkle, the greatest mage of our age, taken under her wing from foalhood, and now ascendant, joining the ranks of the Goddess’ family, and taking students of her own now?

The idea bothered him, and he thought of Starlight Glimmer uncomfortably. She was, undeniably, both pretty and kind. She really had changed since her days as a malevolent dictator and thief of cutie marks. She’d turned into a fine young mare. Trying to help the clearly disturbed filly that had tried to steal all magic from Equestria, fighting to try and save, to reform, the mad queen Chrysalis herself. Master time manipulation magic (Though, that was to be kept under wraps from the general public).

“I wouldn’t be shocked if she were next to join them,” he muttered to himself disconsolately, “I’ve worked my entire life for such a shot... it’s not fair.”

As soon as he’d said it, he felt guilty. It wasn’t fair of him to think ill of Starlight. She’d never done anything to hurt him, and she hadn’t asked for all of this, for the opportunity to learn under a goddess. She didn’t even share the belief that the alicorns were divinity! And again, the guilt hit him like a train at such traitorous thoughts.

Sunlight, what is wrong with you?

“She’s been nothing but kind to you, and this is how you repay her?” He scolded himself quietly, “Pathetic, traitor. What would Celestia think? She probably hates me.”

Another brick wall of guilt at even considering the idea of Celestia hating any of her little ponies, but he just couldn’t help that thought. It was a plague in his head, the fear that, in his pursuit of being the perfect guard for his goddess, that he, instead, made her resent him, even dislike him. She was always so kind but.. She was kind to everypony, how could he expect her to be any different to him?

He looked down at the book on the windowsill before him, secluded in his little alcove as he was. It was the one Starlight had suggested he read. He’d only made it maybe a chapter or two in before he’d been overwhelmed with these thoughts. Perhaps it was another reason he kept himself so busy with work. Because outside it, or whenever he was on his own, such traitorous thoughts came back, and dug at him. Doubts, fears. Self loathing. Jealousy. He couldn’t tell anypony. How could he? He had to be strong, right? For his Goddess, for his beliefs, his fellow guards. It’s what guards did. What they were. The bulwark that defended the Goddesses, and their interests.

But to think so lowly of a pony that had worked so hard to turn around her life... He couldn’t help but let his mind swirl with the implications.

Am I... Am I a bad pony?

Anyone observing might have noted, though it may have been a trick on the eyes, the vibrant colours of his coat lose a bit of their vibrancy, of their colour. Perhaps just a trick of the light?

No good pony would have such horrid thoughts. She’s worked so hard, who am I to judge her? Who am I to presume to know the will of the Goddesses? Such arrogance. Such pretentious tomfoolery.

“Such shame, I bring to myself,” he breathed, looking out across the sun kissed city through the window once more, “To believe I could ever be worthy enough to approach godhood. To believe I deserve such a gift over another.”

A quiet moment passed, and all Sunlight could hear is the traitorous beat of his heart, hammering his ribcage in guilty supplication to his slights against those he would dare call his friends and deities. He could feel it in his throat, threatening to choke him, and in the way his forelegs shook as he reached to take up the book again, giving him pause as he tried vainly to bring the traitorous limb back under control. He could hear the drumbeat in his ears, in time with the blacksmith that was his heart, hammering at his ribs.

... I need to get back to work. Taking a day off was a mistake.

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