#pself

Who: Mason McCarthy and NPC (mentions of @jaxonmccarthy and @schuylerpillsburyschuester)

When: May 11, afternoon

Where: Dance studio in Rhodes building

What: Mason has another encounter with his bully and it’s taken to a new level

Trigger Warnings: assault, homophobia

Who: Sam Evans and Oliver Fabray

When: Late Saturday night/Early Sunday morning

Where: AXi house

What: It’s just a tiny bit of cuteness, read it, you fools!

Where: Ariel’s room, phone convo

When: Sunday, April 12

What: Ariel gets some needed advice from an unexpected source

When: Sunday night 2/16

Where: His office

What: Sam gets some bad news from his parents and comes up with a plan to help

Who: Mason McCarthy

When: Tuesday, May 1st, late afternoon

Where: Mason’s dorm room

What: Mason receives a surprise package that brings on some feelings

Warnings: Anxiety, Grief, Lots of Sadness

The sound of Beth’s breathing was the sound of stability; of a life which Daryl had never known before the world ended. And it was ironic. Ironic that in a world where the dead outnumbered the living, he felt so fucking alive with her. 

In an incredibly loud, chaotic world where tomorrow was never guaranteed – Beth was the calm. His demons still stirred inside of him – waging dangerous, tactical wars against his insecurities. His fears. Beth was an armistice, curled up against his chest, as his wild mind came reeling back from a consuming thought.

Daryl was on the cusp of being a broken man. Beth knew that, certainly. Never before had he opened himself up to a person the way he had with her. He had worked so hard to keep himself guarded, to shirk away from showcasing any sort of emotion that might give Beth the leverage that she needed to one day break him.

And that’s when he realized: you cannot break that which is already maimed.

A lifetime of abuse, followed by years of instability with his big brother Merle (who was, at times, abusive in his own way – probably without realizing. Daryl never held it against him. It was just what Merle did. Who he was.)

As much as Daryl hated Merle for leaving, Daryl took after his own brother. He left every single person that was ever on the verge of feeling something for him.

He left them before they realized that he was not worth it.

But Beth – his sweet, loving, kind girl – naked underneath a white sheet, humming lightly – even in her sleep. Beth didn’t care what kind of demons Daryl had locked away inside of him. She would fight with him until they were silenced. And when they resurfaced (which they always, always did), she’d whisper poems against his mouth until he felt safe again.

And he always did, with Beth.

Someone had once said that broken people love the deepest, and for a while – Daryl thought that was complete and utter bullshit. He’d thought broken people didn’t know how to love. Until one day, it wasn’t bullshit. He figured that maybe, if he hadn’t gone through an entire life of bullshit – he wouldn’t be able to love Beth right, and that just didn’t sit right with him. He’d gladly relive every God-awful moment of his life if it meant that he got Beth in the end.

That night in particular had been foreign territory for the both of them; they’d been sharing more than just a bed for a while. And it was fun. It was slow, at first, and gradually, they were becoming more and more familiar with the others needs and desires. They’d laugh at each other, hot mouths pressed against the other as they fumbled for each other in the dark. It was light. It was beautiful. It was so very them. 

That night, they’d made love. And it was fucking terrifying. It was there, in the way they looked at each other in the darkness of her room, desperate, hungry eyes locked onto one another. In the way she nodded gently when he asked if she wanted this – because he always, always had to ask. Daryl was an exposed nerve in the palm of Beth’s hand. She could very well silence any hopes for a future with only eight words: I could never love a monster like you.

She stirred in her sleep before her eyes fluttered open. She smiled the second her tired, blues met his. It took him a moment, but the corners of his lips twitched upward.

“Hey…” she began silently, reaching up to grab the side of his face, the traces of a concerned frown lining her lips. “Where’d you go? Come back to me…”

Daryl closed his eyes for a moment, reveling in the sensation of her hand sliding down to his bare shoulders.

It had been a while since he’d even spoken to Beth. The last couple of weeks had been agonizingly painful – full of lustful glances on Daryl’s part. It felt strange – being without her. On days when he’d finished his chores, Daryl would go out to the pond where they’d had their last kiss. And he’d just sit there, staring into the water, wondering if he’d ever feel the brush of her lips against his again. He’d wondered if she’d ever smile at him the way she’d smiled when she first saw this area. Daryl was an expert at ignoring his feelings. But with Beth, it was more difficult. People began to notice his absence at family dinners – Rick especially. And he’d started hearing rumors that Beth was seeing someone else. Maybe it was time to move on…

There’d been a camp out that night. Stupid recreational activities like this, held by Father Gabriel, to “unify the community,” or whatever bullshit excuse they’d make up to waste resources and time. Daryl had gone, only because there was absolutely nothing better to do that night. He’d been looking for an escape – a way out of his own fucking destructive thoughts. Thoughts about Beth, and her lips, and her body…

There was a woman across the fire who had been staring at Daryl for some time. Not just that night, but in general. He would’ve never noticed, had it not been for Carol pointing it out a few days back.

“Katie won’t stop starin’ at ya… maybe you should ask her out…”

“Stop,” was all that Daryl had said to that. But after she pointed it out, he just couldn’t bring himself to stop noticing. ­Despite the fact that the rest of the group was proud of Daryl for becoming a new, different man, his self-destructive nature began to take over. And he realized that he’d needed to feel something – anything, other than Beth. So Daryl Dixon used whatever little charm he had left in him.

Their eyes met across the fire, and Daryl bowed his head briefly, glancing up at her through the hair that had matted itself against his forehead. She licked her lips, smiled, and then tugged at her bottom lip with her teeth. It was suggestive in every possible way, and he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Not that time. So he tilted his head backward, signaling for her to join him. Everyone was too distracted, telling some bullshit bonfire stories about life before the world had ended.

No one would notice that Daryl had left. In fact, it wasn’t unlike him to leave halfway through these sort of things. So he stood to his feet and walked away – walked until he was behind a vacant house. She had joined him only moments after, and before much else could happen, her lips were on his neck. So the Dixon charm had worked, after all..

Everything about her body was foreign. He’d grown used to Beth’s. The small curves that subtly outlined her body. The freckles that popped up sporadically on her shoulders The single braid that was almost always in her hair. Katie had none of that – the only thing they had in common was their hair. Blonde, just like Beth’s. He forced his eyes shut and pushed Beth out of his mind one last time.

When Katie’s lips trailed up to his mouth, he pulled away before she could kiss him. That’s not what he wanted, and he figured she knew that. There was no foreplay – no kissing. Barely any touching, really. He spun her around so that her back was to him, and he pushed her against the wall. He’d heard a soft moan fall from her lips, followed by a short “yes,” and that’s all the indication needed that he should keep going.

Daryl unzipped his pants, and removed her jeans and underwear. Her hands were placed on the wall in front of her, and he pushed inside of her.

And then they fucked. It wasn’t intimate – not even slightly. Her moans and his occasional grunts were the only noises that Daryl Dixon focused on. Not the chatter of the campfire a few yards away, not the cicadas in the trees, and certainly not the sound of Beth’s voice in his head.

Daryl would occasionally reach around to squeeze her breasts, but that was it. He grounded himself with her shoulders and pounded into her relentlessly, hard and fast. And still, all he could think about was Beth. It hadn’t fucking worked.

Daryl pulled out before he was finished – he’d been doing that since before the fucking apocalypse had happened. He wasn’t taking any chances – Merle had his fair share of pregnancy scares, and that’s when a very drunken Merle advised his twelve-year-old baby brother. “Always pull out, baby brother. Can’t trust them no good whores.” And Daryl, admiring his older brother, simply nodded.

He’d finished on the back of her jeans – classy – but it could’ve been much worse. Daryl backed off of her and began to pull his pants back up. If they’d been caught – he’d never hear the fucking end of it. “Maybe you can come over later, and –“ Daryl gave her this look. What the fuck was she thinking? This would definitely not be a regular thing.

“No,” Daryl simply said, glancing over her once. “An’ don’t tell nobody, neither.”

Daryl stomped away from her, his heart pounding. It was a good release – for a few seconds. But he still felt like shit, and he still missed Beth. And that’s when Daryl fucking realized – there was no one else. There never would be. It’d only ever be Beth.

cal clenched his jaw and opened and closed his hands into fists. sure whitney could be stupid in his own stubbornness but reckless? the whitney cal knew would never do something that would endanger his squad. but then again whitney had been acting strange lately and it had cal worried. 

he hated whitney going out on hunter duties - especially when he said it was too dangerous for cal to accompany him. he didn’t always know how to cope with this worry. right now it just turned to frustration and that to anger. from what one of whitney’s squad mates had told him it sounded like whitney had purposefully put himself into more danger than he needed to be. 

cal had gone to tell rain about what had happened before he went to see whitney, maybe hoping that his presence would ground him and keep him calm. that was how he found himself leading himself towards the guard and hunter quarters with both rain and penn in tow. being a guard himself he knew his way around this area of the town well and he was thankful for how imposing his presence could be when he wanted it to be.

when he finally saw whitney he let out a breath of relief. instantly cal could tell he was okay - or at least not not okay. he looked distraught and beat up but still very much alive. 

the feeling of relief only lasted for a moment for the moment whitney looked up at him and spoke his name cal felt his worry bubble over further into frustration. 

“what were you thinking?” cal asked his voice quiet and his tone full of disbelief. “kingston told me everything. she said you basically marched yourself into a leviathan breeding ground for no reason.”  whitney was one of if not the most responsible person cal knew - he was probably the best hunter out there too and for him to be relieved of his duties for reckless behaviour what he had done must have been something extreme and noticeable. 

cal watched the older man as he stayed still in his chair, looking up at him with a pained expression. cal knew whitney long enough to know how he coped with things. he either lashed out or completely shut down and instantly from how he looked he assumed it was going to be the latter. good, cal thought, then maybe he’d actually listen to what he had to say for once.

“do you want to die?” the question was rhetorical for cal was scared of the actual answer. he watched as whitney’s gaze shifted from himself over to penn a frown only setting deeper on whitney’s mouth. “what if something actually had happened to you? did you forget that you’re a father?”

that was something he didn’t he needed to mention to whitney - anyone who knew him knew that billie was everything to whitney. if he really wanted to drive home his point he’d mention angie and how billie didn’t need to lose her father too, but that hurt too much. cal himself didn’t want to think about experiencing that kind of loss in his life again even though he mostly already was.

“i can’t believe you’d act like that whitney. you’re always going on about how no one should leave the town and how it’s too dangerous for anyone and then you do this? you basically go against what you’ve been telling me and everyone else and end up hurt.”  cal hoped the older heard the disappointment in his voice even though it didn’t seem like he was paying any attention to him at all for whitney just continued to stare at penn with the same upset expression.

“what am i meant to do if something actually happens to you?” he added quietly, more to himself now that he’d caught on that his ranting seemed to be falling onto deaf ears.

“whitney.” cal spoke harshly just wanted to gain the other’s attention, “can you stop staring at penn and actually listen to what i’m trying to say to you?”

he watched as whitney jumped in his seat now looking up at cal like he’d popped out of nowhere instead of had been there for the past few minutes. when the older man didn’t show any signs of speaking he reached to pinch the bridge of his nose letting out his breath in a long sigh. “y’know what? i should just go. i need to go cool down or something.” cal dropped his hand from his face feeling frustrated. “and it’s obvious you don’t want to listen to me right now. ”

without saying anything else and giving one last look to whitney he turned on his feet and left the room. it wasn’t that cal was actually angry at whitney he was more frustrated with how he’d been behaving, frustrated that he’d almost gotten himself killed and his worry only fueled his frustration more. cal rarely ever was truly angry in his life but when he was it lasted and this was the first time it was properly aimed at whitney’s direction.

maybe he should’ve stayed and tried to get whitney to explain what had happened instead of accusing him of the things he had been. but it was too late and he had already left and if he went back now he didn’t know what he’d say to whitney.