#psa.*

psa, btw.

i know i'm under no obligation to say this but i do want to apologize to those in my dms & on discord waiting for a reply.

i'm trying very hard to be as upbeat as i can but, real life has been taking my energy out & sometimes mustering the strength to reply to even one person takes all my strength. i've, admittedly, been going through a semi - functional depressive episode for about three, maybe four, months now. i really don't want to function but i kinda got no choice & i'm sorta surprised with myself that i can but it takes all my energy & makes everything hard, just getting up to get water or eat is even hard at times.

i'm not ignoring you. i'm truly so excited to write with all of you. it's just, existing by itself is taking all my energy at the moment. trying to cope with everything i've endured the last five years on top of a life of a lot of stuff is taking all my energy. i swear i'm trying. i promise. just be patient with me if i'm super talkative one day then silent the next day or so. i really am not ignoring you. i'm just struggling & i'm so sorry if it seems like i'm being mean, i swear that's not my intention.

My mother full on attacked me this morning, she is pretty much holding my father and I hostage emotionally as she is mentally unwell with Parkisons and what I suspect to be BPD - not depression. My mother has masked her illnesses for years but since 2020, she has physically attacked me, verbally abused me, tried to smear campaign me, accused me of theft, elder abuse, and defamation of character. Typing this all out is making me sick because I never once spoke of my plights and I hope in all my heart none of you go through what I have. My brother cut contact with my mother in June and it has sent her into a downward spiral. I'm assuming this is a scam as she is trying to say the kindle I pay for is taking money from her account and took 300 dollars, I showed her the order list and she proceeded to call me a liar, disown me, withdraw helping me in further my education, and wants me to leave with my father as she has always revered me, her only daughter, as other to her. I have taken care of my mother for over 10+ years, I have never had helped from my sibling, I have made her appointments, cared for her post surgery, and assured she was always safe. On fourth of July, my mother in her fit of rage didn't notice the top stair and nearly fell off the stairs, I caught her while snapping off several of my acrylics. I nearly went over the rail guard trying to protect her. The fight has been caused because I went to a concert on Saturday and now, she has a problem with me going out alone and not including her, but I do and she will say I don't making me out to be the villain. To not sound dramatic; my soul is broken and my heart is destroyed. This is the most honest and raw I have ever been in my life. I am scared of her hatred for me but I want to live and sit in the sunlight, laugh, and smile again without thinking I will be punished. I want to have a relationship with my father without her being jealous and assuming I have stolen what is hers. I don't know what tomorrow will be or how I move on from today, but I can't stay in my home, and I cannot take care of someone that wants my soul dead as hers. I know I can be a bitch, but I have burned myself multiple times to assure her warmth, I have always given 100x of myself and I cannot sit with someone who says I love you and then, go fucking die, the next moment. All I can say from the bottom of my heart is I'm sorry if I ever hurt anyone in the rpc and I'm so sorry to place this all upon you guys. This is place meant for fun and laughter but I have nowhere else to turn to and vanishing seems wrong. I feel as if a dark secret is coming out and in a metaphorical sense; I feel very dirty. I cannot say more than urge anyone who is contemplating leaving a situation like mine or cutting off a parent to know; I'm with you, I love you, you deserve all that is good too. It is so hard for me to say I want my mom when I come to realize; I have no mom. There is a part of me that says, my mom loves me, but there is a part of me that says, your mom will be your grave. I choose life. and maybe my mother will scream she hates me, wants me dead, and maybe in my heart I'll never ever understand not even with the universe showing me all it's secrets but I want to live like everyone else.