#protocol foundations

PROMPT: Practical Protocol Class attended on Oct. 3, 2023

I attended a class of the BOE last night called Practical Protocol. And to be real, I had so many thoughts, questions, and discomforts upon leaving that class.

Some of what was covered was right in line with my perspective and other parts of it were like … OK, but why are you doing it that way?

It wasn't explained with the level of nuance that I wanted (nor could it have been in a two hour time slot). So rather than turning inward to examine all the things myself, I turned to MzRhythm and we discussed all the points in my notes where I had written a (?) alongside. It was honestly the best class we've attended in a long time in terms of giving us thing to talk about. So thank you to all involved.

In this journal entry, I am diverging from the prompts I've been writing on and expounding upon the class and our personal post-class discussion.

I had a bit of an advantage going into the class, because when asked for our definitions on protocol at the beginning, MzRhythm raised her hand and gave her definition early on: Protocol is the ritualization of a power exchange relationship. However, the presenter definition was: Protocol is a dynamic with explicit expectations negotiated mutually and executed without hesitation or objection. So right there, from the outset, was a mismatch in what I was expecting and the language with which the class was framed. I really appreciate that she spoke up.

The key mismatch here being her definition (and mine, as well) involves the protocol being the set of things you do in a dynamic to support the dynamic through action. The presenters' definition involves the protocol being the dynamic itself. I think.

This acknowledgement of a mismatch allowed me to accept that there would be a discrepancy in my mind and that's OK. It also showed me ways that I can prepare for classes in topics that I have already formed impressions about, which would help with cognitive dissonance in the future.

Anyway, beyond that, there were many parts that we discussed, but there is part that I am struggling to work through. The paired questions:

Why do you deserve your submissive's submission?

Why do you deserve your Dominant's guidance and leadership?

Here, I took exception to the word "deserve." My gut reaction is "it's not about deserving, it's about mutual agreement and consent." But when discussing it with MzRhythm, she said the answer to both is "Because I bring value." (My answer was, "I don't deserve anyone's anything," for the record.)

So, I think in order to fathom her answer, I need to break down the difference between being valuable as a person and bringing value as a partner for myself. In essence, what do I bring to the table as a partner is more important to this conversation than justifying my existence.

All people have inherent value as human beings and should be treated with equal rights and dignity. Existing, however, is not enough to 'deserve' to be part of a relationship. And I think that is where I got hung up on the word deserve.

That said, not all people have brought value to our individual lives and therefore are not loved by us, beyond our inherent, generalized love for every living person. If I have an extra ticket to a concert, I'm going to first offer it to my wife, then my boyfriend, then to friends in some sense of order. Because those people have brought value to my life in the past and this concert offers us a chance to build new memories and experiences together. None of them inherently deserve to go to the concert more than anyone else. And honestly, there is a gamble involved here: Who do I think will bring the most value to my experience?

Some of that is determined by track record so far, the other person's interest in the thing I want to do, and by the potential for future enjoyment together. So circling back to the questions, why do you deserve? I appreciate the nuance in MzRhythm's response "Because I bring value.

"It's not so much about deserving, but about showing through a track record of consistency and attentiveness that the two of you are a good fit and have matched expectations of one another. It's about showing that you will show up, participate, and display care … actively. Because passive participation isn't as fulfilling, in most cases.

I keep wanting to change the phrasing to "what have you done to earn" but there is no way to earn someone's love. That is a thing that I have been struggling with for a long time. I have had someone else living in my head for a long telling me that everyone should decide every single day that they want to be in a given relationship.  But that's not sustainable and I see that now. You see, people are not robots. People have down days, they have moody days, they have upbeat days. If you are deciding on a down day that your partner's moody day is too much to continue a relationship with a decade of more good than bad, I would argue that something is more wrong than your partner's one day of moodiness. You're also shortchanging yourself and any potential partners who may want to come into your life.

I committed, when I gave MzRhythm a dragon and a ring, that I was in this thing, forever. And she did the same. We deserve each other because we committed to each other and we continue to show up in more good ways than bad for each other.

That's not to say that at the outset it isn't a good call to check people's actions and words against your intuition. But I am saying that it's important to let people's track records inform some of the security that is found in a relationship, power exchange or otherwise.

I deserve MzRhythm's guidance and leadership because I bring value and am committed to continuing to do so. She deserves my submission because she brings value and is committed to continuing to do so.

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