#protectjournal

I’m never sure how to begin these. But, I’m thinking writing down what I’m feeling might help me... pick myself up? Get my life together? I’ll admit, I’ve never had myself together, not a moment in my pathetic life, but right now... it’s like when your room hasn’t been cleaned in months, and your mom’s stopped bugging you about it. When you’re behind on all of your assignments, and suddenly, all you want to do is scream... and end it. End it so you won’t have to clean up the mess you made on your own, because shoving everything under the bed or into the closet isn’t fixing anything anymore. Because you have no self motivation to actually get out of bed and do something.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. My life just last year. My life five years ago. Things weren’t this difficult. My brother was my brother. Not someone that itched to destroy me. When my brother was my best friend. If he’d just asked me, just once. If he’d just told me how he felt. I would’ve handed it all over to him. Without a second of doubt. I would’ve given him everything. But he made a monster out of me. He took more than my magic. 

I’m 23. I shouldn’t have to deal with the guilt of murdering countless people because I wasn’t in my right mind. Hurting someone I truly cared about, someone I could’ve -- or should’ve -- given a chance, because of what my brother did to me. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to function. I shouldn’t have had to go through that torture. I shouldn’t have to deal with the fact that they sterilized me. And I’m not. I’m not dealing with it. Because everyone’s gone, and I don’t know how to deal with it on my own. I can’t deal with it on my own. 

I want to go back to her. The girl I was last year. The one that watched Iron Man to feel better. The girl that slept with her pillow pet. The one that named her truck Karrie, because she thought it was punny. The girl that wanted love, even after all the loss she’d suffered. But, just like that damn old truck, I’m gone. And there’s no way I’ll ever go back to her.

Maybe I’ll be someone better. 

Canada has been nice, which is definitely something I expected. It's far away from all the crazy shit going on in the world. I wonder if Ethan will let me move in with him. I mean this motel I'm living at gives me the creeps. Pretty sure the person next to me mutilates his own dick every night, unless he's just into really painful sex. I thought about asking Daniel, but he already has a roommate. His place is small, he doesn't need another person there. I talked to Ben for a whole hour today on the phone. It was nice. I didn't think I'd miss him that much, but I do. I miss him a lot actually. Everything at the station is going well. Crime actually has gone down in the past few weeks in Seattle, according to him. Which is strange, honestly. I'm also really proud of him for getting picked to go on a special assignment. He deserves it. I just wish I was there along side him. Things happen for a reason though, as Momma always says. I'm here in Canada for a reason. I just have to find out what that reason is.

02/14/2019

I hate love. I hate falling in love. I hate it. I had a date with Jack tonight. He was my blind date. It must of been fate. I need to stay away from him. But there’s something about him that drives me insane. Fucking shit. I hate being a girl.

02/25/2019

I shot Blake. It hurts me more than it hurts him, and he doesn’t even believe me.

02/27/2019

I went on a roadtrip with Wyatt for the weekend. I lied and told him we were going to Disneyland. I feel bad that I really didn’t take him to Disneyland. Maybe I’ll do it for his birthday. What would a person like me even do at Disney? Maybe I could take over the world with Mickey Mouse.

03/01/2019

I sold my soul for Beth and Nat. It’s for the best.

03/02/2019

I kissed him.

03/14/2019

Tray’s wedding was pretty. I looked hot. I didn’t get laid though. I couldn’t find Jack anywhere.

03/15/2019

Sushi and I were gone all day. I love my hikes with this dog.

03/19/2019

I miss you Nat. Where are you?

03/19/2019

Blake says I can change. The funny thing is that I can’t. I can’t change. 

03/23/2019

Dad’s in town. I guess this is it.

03/24/2019

Sometimes I wish things were easier. But then again, do I really know what “easy” is? Never in my life have things been easy. Seems like I’ve never had a break.

03/25/2019

Eric and I ordered Chinese tonight. We then watched reruns of real house wives. I think nights like these are the nights that make life worth living.

03/26/2019

I saw Jack. He finally kissed me first. Took him long enough. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want him to get hurt. I’m a disaster.

03/27/2019

Beth I love you. I hope you know that.

03/28/2019

Cady, Oliver’s friend is invading our love. His name is Daniel. What the fuck kind of name is Daniel? A sloppy one, that’s what. I’m kidding. I was trying to act like a jealous housewife. Sincerely, Aireec

Cady, I keep forgetting to write to you. You remember Naomi? Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever written about her to you. Anyway. We went to Vegas. The entire town. Or, most of the town. I guess Naomi and I got so beyond wasted, we decided to get married. Whoo. Not whoo. She’s a pain in the ass. That led to sex, quite obviously. I guess it isn’t considered a sin if I decide to visit church since we’re technically married, right? Anyway, she slept with Daniel on that trip too, and wait for it, she might be pregnant. The only good thing about this is that Daniel is chill as fuck.See ya, Aireec.

Cady, So, Naomi turned out to be pregnant. It’s been drama-ful. Daniel’s one of my best friends. I’ll be there for him as much as I can. But that’s fucking hard when Oliver and him are fighting. Like, fucking hell. I’m literally in the middle of high school drama queens. How do you help a friend that’s almost always high on meth? I talked to Blake. He said some shit about Daniel, I didn’t hear it all. I just started yelling. I mean, he had a point. Daniel might be the father. But he’s had a tough life. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Be there for all three of them, I guess. When the fuck did I become the therapist. My advice sucks ass., Eric. 

Cady, Daniel’s back from Cali. Right in time from Haven. That’s all, pretty much. Sincerely, Aireec

Cady, She’s gone. I can’t look at Daniel or Naomi. I might be an ass, but those two can grieve together. I just need to handle this my own way. Love, Eric

Cady, Well. Daniel and I had a fight. Literally. Love, Eric

Cady, Naomi and I saw Haven. She’s mine. And, I know we both agree that Daniel can’t know. I feel guilty about it, I do, since he’s my friend, but we’ve already been fighting like fucking idiots. This’ll only make it worse. I went to his house. Brought something for Kylie. She’s pretty adorable. She’s good for him. I missed my best bud.Sincerely, Eric

This is how I feel about the audacity known as Nova Scotia— Mirror mirror on the wall — Oh how I'd love to kill them all - The taste of blood upon my lips The coldness of my fingertips The stare within my lifeless eyes A plan without a compromise A forceful stumble to the floor Such sweet sobs just before Before the plunge into his vein Such venom that my fangs contain I'll lead him to a dormant state No longer will their pain inflate This joy will reach a sudden end My strength will once more ascend Into the very dead of night I'm off to have another bite Mirror mirror on the wall Oh how I'd love to kill them all.

Life is depressing. Wasn't this depressing in Pennsylvania. It was easier there. Wait, fucking hell, I take that back. Pennsylvania was depressing. But it didn't make me into this. Some fucking depressed kid. It was easier when I didn't give a shit, but now I'm taking all the shit and refusing to leave. I should just leave Roxy to fend for herself, that's what she wants, afterall. But I can't bring myself to do it. For some reason, making sure she isn't all alone is more important to me than taking the blame for her problems. 

And, Marina. Jesus fucking hell that girl scares the crap outta me. I don't want to lose her. Or see her fighting for her life. I need her to be okay. 

In other news, it's a girl. And I don't think I've ever been happier. Like, I'm already in love with this baby. She's a blessing, you know. A haven. Like the sea. When everything else is falling to utter shit.

Where the fuck is Vlad.