Dear Journal,Ā
Iām never sure how to begin these. But, Iām thinking writing down what Iām feeling might help me... pick myself up? Get my life together? Iāll admit, Iāve never had myself together, not a moment in my pathetic life, but right now... itās like when your room hasnāt been cleaned in months, and your momās stopped bugging you about it. When youāre behind on all of your assignments, and suddenly, all you want to do is scream... and end it. End it so you wonāt have to clean up the mess you made on your own, because shoving everything under the bed or into the closet isnāt fixing anything anymore. Because you have no self motivation to actually get out of bed and do something.
Iāve been thinking about it a lot lately. My life just last year. My life five years ago. Things werenāt this difficult. My brother was my brother. Not someone that itched to destroy me. When my brother was my best friend. If heād just asked me, just once. If heād just told me how he felt. I wouldāve handed it all over to him. Without a second of doubt. I wouldāve given him everything. But he made a monster out of me. He took more than my magic.Ā
Iām 23. I shouldnāt have to deal with the guilt of murdering countless people because I wasnāt in my right mind. Hurting someone I truly cared about, someone I couldāve -- or shouldāve -- given a chance, because of what my brother did to me. I shouldnāt have to be afraid to function. I shouldnāt have had to go through that torture. I shouldnāt have to deal with the fact that they sterilized me. And Iām not. Iām not dealing with it. Because everyoneās gone, and I donāt know how to deal with it on my own. I canāt deal with it on my own.Ā
I want to go back to her. The girl I was last year. The one that watched Iron Man to feel better. The girl that slept with her pillow pet. The one that named her truck Karrie, because she thought it was punny. The girl that wanted love, even after all the loss sheād suffered. But, just like that damn old truck, Iām gone. And thereās no way Iāll ever go back to her.
Maybe Iāll be someone better.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Love, Violet.Ā











