#prosing

Your love is like the clouds on a stormy day

Shading my eyes from the harshness of light

And showing me the beauty that lies in the dark

Kissing my cheeks with drips of refreshing coolness

My love for you is like the moonlight

Washing over you as a gentle embrace

Banishing the darkness with the soft glow of my heart

Today you were miserable, more than ever before. Remember that you were miserable. More miserable than yo are today even.

You argued with yourself. You argued whether you should strictly do what you love, or do what makes you miserable so that in the future you could do what you love limitlessly. I know that doesn't makes sense immediately.

You lied in bed depressed, listening to relaxing music (strobe by deadmau5). You did this to fall asleep quicker. You wanted to fall asleep quicker so that your thoughts could end. The day had so much potential, but you didn't take advantage.

You do admit to yourself that depression helps you learn, but what's learning for if you never act. As much as you love feeling the experience, maybe it's time to feel something else.

Wake up! Don't let the yetserhara trick you. Don't submit to your evil inclination.  Don't feel discouraged or saddened after you submit to your evil inclination, you are only furthering the submission. It is the worst thing you can do. If you submit to yourself, how much mor so will you submit to evil people. Alright, learn! Great, good. You did something wrong, don't be sad. Don't be happy. But just be strong. Okay, I won't do it again. Don't fuck with me. Keep going.  Learning is not about killing yourself.

The argument for doing what you love is obvious.

The argument for doing what you hate is not so obvious.

You decided, possibly out of greed and a need for society to accept you as successful. That you were going to not do what you love.

You honestly have dreams of becoming a foundation for your community and other communities. You want to make sure every Jew has a meal for shabbos. You want to make sure yeshivas have top of the line research facilities, so that all Jewish children can really understand and appreciate gods world. You believe the cure to cancer is in genetic engineering, and you'd love to take part in the search for a cure. This is where your plans split.

You could dive in, with your chemistry major. Take the offers you got in high school and start research at local colleges. PHD in genetic engineering. Spend the rest of your life making the world a better place. You chose not to say finding the cure is your goal, because you would feel empty shortly after reaching it. Your goal is to reach the infinite. Make the world better everyday with your knowledge of genetic engineering.

There is an inherent risk. I don't see my place. If I do learn all of that and I sacrifice my time to earn the degree. I can't see my job. No matter how hard I try to look, my job is not securely ingrained in my vision. Where will it come from? "Somebody will surely hire you, people are begging! Especially If you have a phd from this college" I can't rely on hope. I want to secure my wife and family. Even if you could envision a career and a heavy income. You can't see the income paying for all of your dreams.

The second choice. You and your friend have carefully written a 2 and a half year business plan. Precisely describing the actions and reactions of each week in detail. Following the plan, your estimated earnings would yield 72 million dollars a year, with only room to expand to different markets.

Both plans don't involve dropping out of school.

You yourself are currently involved in two different start ups. One has almost been fully developed and has almost reached the point of automation. After six months of work. The product launches this Saturday at 2PM eastern time. You no longer have to stay up all night waiting for your programmers to finish. The business can almost run itself at this point. You plan to see earnings within 3-6 months.

You decided you want to become wealthy so that you can do what you love. You made this decision a long time ago, but you wrote it down now.

People ask you: "So is this going to be your job. This is what you want to be?" You answer "No, I want to be a genetic engineer and a criminal defense attorney. This is just for money. I don't want to do it because I enjoy it, I do it so that I could do what I enjoy. This will not be my full time job. If I become a lawyer and or a genetic engineer I can't pay for all the things I want to pay for, so I do this on the side to make extra money. "

You realize, If you dive in and just do what you love. You won't be able to secure all of your dreams. If you earn lots of money, you could do what you love and all of your dreams. You could pay for your own research facility if no one will hire you. You could pay for a private professor. Or any tuition at any college. You could fund the community, donate to research facilities in other areas. Clean up schools. Donate to Israel.

You would like to partake in the research yourself, not only donate to it, because you believe few are as passionate as you in that area and you believe no one can see the research like you. Many of your mentors have begged to continue research, but....

Your dreams are more secure once you have money.  

So you chose to do what you don't love. So that you can do what you love. When you love your life, no one will ever see that you were miserable. That is why I write today.

It's like that quote. "You do what you have to, so that you may do what you want to."

When I stop loving you, I will loose you- but I will also loose the person I was when I loved you. I loose the version of myself that was hopeful, full of laughter. I loose the version of myself that was unbroken. 

Thor had brought Loki to Midgard with him. He couldn’t leave him alone for a minute. As soon as he was alone, he was skipping off to commit some mischief or another with his usual grin and that blasted crow on his shoulder. He still didn’t understand why Loki kept it around, but it made him happy. And if Loki was happy, so was Thor. He had taken to spoiling the child despite everyone’s warnings of his eventual betrayal. So far Loki had proven to be benign, and mischievous, if anything. His mischief was that of a prankster with no malice in mind. Odin help him, he was still as bright as ever…

Thor looked over at his younger brother. He marveled at how his recent rebirth had made him so small. Loki couldn't be more than 12 or 13 years old by Earth standards now. Loki looked up to meet his gaze, his green eyes boring holes through Thor’s skull for a few moments before Thor lowered his eyes to the stew pot he was manning. He glanced back at his little brother from underneath his stubby, blonde lashes.

Loki had draped himself over the armchair in the corner. He was so different, and yet familiar. It had been ages since Thor or Loki had been "children". Loki still had his characteristic dark hair and pale skin. He was lithe and graceful as ever. He had laid himself out as carefully as possible, every limb exactly so. Every muscle was poised for sudden action. He was always and ever prepared, always had a plan. You could see it in his eyes, even now that he was thinking of every possible scenario that could possibly arise. Forever the tactician.

Thor smiled slightly and exhaled. Upon hearing the sound, Loki's eyes darted over to his older brother again. He sat up slightly in the chair and crossed his arms across his chest. "Did I do something to merit humor, brother?" Thor walked around the counter and entered the living room. He leaned down and picked up a blanket that he passed to Loki before sitting down opposite him. Once he was settled, he picked up his mug of coffee from the table. He took a sip of it only to find that it was lukewarm. He grimaced and put it back on the table. "No, little one. I was merely reconciling your past and present forms." He leaned forward still smiling, his elbows on his knees. “You seem so small and helpless now.” Unlike before. ------ Loki scowled. He did not take kindly to the terms "little" and "one" being used to describe him. He took his time wrapping the blanket around himself and settling back into the chair before deigning to answer. "If I did not know better, I would say you were aiming to insult me." Loki retorted. “Fortunate as I am, I still retain the memory of your mental incompetence.” He smirked at Thor’s expression. Thor was shocked and angry. He scowled right back at Loki. “Well then, I guess you will not be wanting any of this food I have prepared for us.” He picked up his mug and headed for the kitchen. Loki watched him go. Techy. ------ Thor sipped at his fresh coffee from the kitchen counter. He and Loki stood and sat in silence for what seemed like hours. Thor fidgeted. He grimaced. This feels familiar. Thor checked the stew again. He began to pace about the kitchen. He was honestly worried. This was his little brother, and he was now as helpless as ever. He would have to continue to protect him. This was Loki's chance at a new life. One of light, and good. ------ Loki wavered between watching Thor, and staring longingly at the steaming mug on the counter. Thor was too oblivious to catch his brother's wistful glances. He became frustrated. Why wouldn't he notice? He never notices... He started. Why did he think that? He shook his head to clear the fog, but couldn't seem to form his next thought clearly. Ikol croaked from his perch atop the armchair, echoing his thought. “NEVER LISTENS.” Loki gave him a reproachful look and cleared his throat dramatically. Thor turned on the spot and looked at him. Loki turned from the crow and pointed at the mug. "May I have some of the same? I could die of thirst." Thor brightened and nodded, making a “Come here” gesture. Loki hopped out of the chair and, motioning to Ikol who hopped onto his shoulder, padded across the carpet after him. He settled at the kitchen counter. He looked about curiously, taking in his new surroundings from that angle. The apartment was small, and humble. What a hovel. He only stopped when he heard the ceramic mug clinking against the wooden tabletop. He held the warm mug between his hands and kicked his legs back and forth against the rungs of the stool. At least it is warm. He sipped the drink. It was rich and bitter to the taste. He let it roll over his tongue, tasting the bouquet as one might a fine wine. He swallowed and took another, larger, gulp. He looked up at Thor in surprise and delight. "This drink. I like it." Thor laughed loudly and openly, hands on hips. Loki watched him with a mildly amused look. Thor leaned forward and ruffled his hair over the counter. "That was exactly my reaction." Loki shied away from the gesture. Once Thor was preoccupied, Loki dug into his pocket and produced a deck of cards; tarot cards. He briefly shuffled them before picking up the first card and laying it face-up on the table. The Fool. He looked up at his brother who had his back to him while he stirred the stew. He certainly can be a fool. But he has been my only friend. He will prove useful in the future. I am sure of it. He picked up the second card and laid it to the right of the first. The Chariot. He smirked at the pairing. Boredom? Yes. And no. This is merely a diversion. I have much to accomplish in time. He picked up a third card and held it for a moment before tossing it across the others. The Magician. He looked over at Ikol who was leaning forward and staring avidly at the cards laid out before them. There is someone with the skills to aid me. He remembered the advice the crow had given him over the last few months. I cannot trust this one either… Irritated, he swept the cards up and put them back on top of the deck. He should have known better. Reading his own cards always put him in a foul mood. This time was no different. He set the cards down in favor of his drink. I must be patient. All in good time… ------ Thor leaned back, and sighed. He ran his hand over his face and through his own hair. Loki was a powerful magician, but he was weakened by his current state. If he returned to Asgard, he could replenish his energy and become healthy again. Thor knew all too well the effects of being away from Asgard for too long. But if he does return, he will be killed. He really has gone too far this time. They will surely take him for a traitor and formally execute him. Even Father will not shelter him now... Thor looked back at Loki. Loki was ignoring him still. He stared off into space, absently stirring his finger in his coffee. At his touch the dark brown liquid began to form fish and serpents the leaped and dove over its surface. He surely still has his powers. He must return home. He is my brother and now an innocent child. Thor surfaced from his thoughts again to see that Loki had managed to either splash or drink most of his coffee with his shenanigans. He reached for the pot and poured more for himself and his brother. I will protect him...