#proseposting

It wasn’t as hard as my mind made it out to be. This had been some insurmountable obstacle in the back of my mind, terrifyingly beautiful and imposing, whispering to me every time I looked at myself in the mirror. This isn’t you. This wasn’t who you were supposed to be. The possibility haunted me, followed me to the morning light piercing pouring out the windows. To the warm water of the shower as I huddled into my knees trying to cry. To the quiet space of my cocoon of blankets at 3 in the morning, music drifting from my headphones three feet away. It didn’t really leave me. I just distracted myself because I… didn’t believe I knew how it could feel to be me. But when I finally made the decision it didn’t take me long to get everything sorted out. In that way I’m lucky.

But listen: you don’t need to be fully confident in yourself to do this. You’re never going to be ready. There’s never going to be a perfect time. But you have to be kind to yourself. You have to give yourself the chance that she deserves. I know it’s really scary. But you can do this. I believe in you, wholeheartedly.

And if you’re not ready yet, or if you can’t afford to yet, or if you’re still questioning, that’s ok. See how it feels. For me the little changes were really everything. Shaving my legs and arms, trimming my brows, trying on makeup, and most of all painting my nails - all these little things have improved me in my mind significantly. You don’t have to do any of this to be a trans woman, to present feminine at all, but if you want to or you’re even just unsure you should try it out for a little. The most important thing? Love your own body, your expression, based on your own standards and no one else’s. Do what speaks to you and only you. 

It's funny that as a writer, I like making characters with so many vast perspectives and so many emotions, and then in real life I'm... this awkward person who eats and sleeps and goes to school and doesn't contribute much. Seriously I don't have a single thought in my head. When someone asks me to explain something I'm so scatterbrained and can't really put it into words well

Otherwise showing emotion online is just so difficult. Big jump but do you ever feel like your personality is a fabrication, but you can't express yourself naturally either, so you're stuck typing every word over and over until it "fits you well enough?" And tone tags can help but still don't always convey things well or make your sentences sound less, I don't know, rigid and artificial

my mother’s house has a ghost in it. we leave incense for it but it won’t stop shaking the top floor of the house. it’s not dangerous. sometimes I sit near the stair railing to keep it company and sometimes it shakes the floor less violently.

i think it wants to stop but can’t. maybe it doesn’t even want to be in here. i don’t get it. but i sit up here after dinner some days and wonder if it’s copying me when i was younger, stomping on the floor to stop feeling so much. i still can’t make myself stop feeling, so i don’t know why this ghost would think that works. it doesn’t always do it and it doesn’t do it today.

you open a hole under your ribs to see it and it only measures 2.8 cubic centimeters. it’s fine. people don’t get the rest until later because the rest is still liquid in the blood until your 40s. the puddle of red under your body expands and you wonder how much of this fluid is in it.

and the remaining 5% is introspective ramblings on mental health