#prophet(pbuh)

A few months ago, back in October, I went to my first Islamic conference (as an adult) and I wrote a post about it in which I mentioned not feeling like a good Muslim for the majority of my life. I said then that I would discuss this matter at a later date but I totally forgot until today (at work actually, when it hit me lol). 

I know nobody really gives a shit what I say on here but I believe writing down your thoughts is an effective way of managing and understanding them so bear with me. Okay, so I’ll start from the beginning. I grew up in quite a religious home, Like my mum taught the Quran to local children in our house, my dad has an entire room (plus more) dedicated to his Islamic books, my parents perform prayers 5 times a day, but they’re very intellectual and didn’t ever force me to do anything, they just practised their faith in front of me. So as you can imagine, I grew up talking about my religion, engaging with other Muslims and had a generally positive outlook on my faith. 

However, I don’t really know what happened during my time in school, I guess you could blame friends, health… TV…  Music? for taking me away from my faith. I couldn’t recognise the person I had become by the time I left for university. I ended many of my friendships with other Muslims, I stopped participating in Islamic events (well all except RRE) and I really just distanced myself from my faith. Bear in mind this all happened WHILE I wore the hijab! I think the worst thing I did was neglect my prayer, I did other things alongside but that was the worst. I started feeling like I didn’t belong in my family, I couldn’t participate in their debates, in their discussions, I truly felt like an outsider. And sometimes I still do. It took me about two years to understand where I was spiritually, and by then the only religious duty I was performing was wearing hijab. I suppose you’re wondering why I didn’t just take it off, I’ve been wearing the hijab for 10 years now… So I barely notice it haha. 

I’m not exactly sure when I realised how badly in shape my faith was, I didn’t have an epiphany or have a breakdown. I just remember driving home from uni and thinking ‘I have a car, friends, a job, university, family, and so much more so why am I not happy?’ I think then I sort of started to realise that hey, that one thing you’re missing from your life is faith. I was stuck because I didn’t know how to reconnect with my faith, no let me rephrase that, I STILL don’t know how to reconnect with my faith. It’s been two years and I don’t know if I’ve made any progress. Do I thank God? Do I perform my prayers? Do I give charity? Am I a nice person? I didn’t know where to begin so I started doing little things like remembering God and saying thank you as often as I could. 

Right now, I don’t think I’m a good Muslim. I still struggle with my prayers, I don’t thank God enough, I’m selfish, I gossip, I swear, I commit a multitude of sins. But why do I not give up? Why don’t I say, ‘I can’t do this, Islam isn’t for me, I give up’ because in those trying times, I remember my favourite hadith in which the Prophet PBUH said, ‘Allah says: O son of Adam, even if your sins were to reach up to the clouds in the sky, and then you were to ask for My forgiveness, I would forgive you and think nothing of it’. 

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) belonged to one of the most prestigious and prominent clans of Makkah, the Hashim clan. However, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was humble and down to Earth from an early age. The migration of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) took place by the command of Allah.

I’m wondering what it will be like if everyone has the taqwa of Sahaba, the knowledge of Sahaba, the love for Prophet (peace be upon him) of Sahaba and the whole life style of Sahaba!!

That's what they wanted right!?

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