I ran again on Sunday. Another 5k, almost an identical time to Saturday. I still really struggled but there were glimmers of hope... For one whole kilometre I didn't worry or get angry, and I overtook 2 people. I didn't enjoy it exactly, but I didn't exactly hate it. So that's progression...! Mondays training was still a head fuck but tonight something finally clicked back in place. Training was tough but the fun was back and, more importantly, the belief was back. Thank fuck. A quarter of the year left. 3 months. Still time to nail some stuff to the wall and leave it in 2013...

Awful day. Awful week. 😖 Work is diabolical. Am likely getting made redundant and the way they're going about it is verging on unethical. And for a hugely ethical company....👿👎 All I want to do is shut down. Flick off the switch and power down. Doing basic stuff is a huge chore and I've gone into auto-pilot a little. I'm trying so so hard to eat right and get the phys in. So hard. I've not put on weight, just stayed the same pretty much.😢 I'm sick of the same numbers on the scale. I'm sick of the scale. I'm sick of not getting it right. I'm sick of all of it and I'm sick of me. I feel sick. I know I'll come through the other side, a lot of this is my brain doing it usual violent swings from in end of the scale to the other. And exercise is definitely helping me, which is good. But right now, I feel pretty vile.

I did an event this weekend and learned something about myself. I learned this... Even when I think I might give up, I don't have to, cos I can keep going. I should keep going. I need to keep going. I can always keep going. I want to keep going, on and on. Today, even though I'm supposed to be recovering, I want to train really badly. A lot of things have been getting in the way recently. Commitments, work, house stuff. All important, sure. But I don't think they're as important as training. Right now that feels like the most important thing, bar none. It's mine, you know, and I like having something that is just mine. That point of view is not popular with Himself - he's going through some shit at the moment but refusing to really grasp the issue and I'm doing my usual thing if getting impatient and pissed off. But when I was having a head fuck for those few years (even now!), I was pretty much told to man up and stop being a dick (or words to that effect!). So am struggling to sympathise. Sorry, that went off on a bit of a tangent didn't it!! Oh well, hopefully tomorrow I can hit the roads and clear my head a bit....!

I think I might be back on the wagon. For weeks I feel like I've been in limbo, both with my training and my food. Like, I've been going through the motions and getting by, but not really embracing it, you know? All that has changed is that we've moved house and it's kick-started something in me. The space and the air in our new, much bigger house has already made my head feel the same - more spacious and more airy! Also the fact I'm not in work has helped me to focus on what really matters to me. I'm in a good place and it feels wicked. I guess the trick is to remember this feeling so I keep going. Keep going towards that goal....

Long time no blog!! A combo of business and the fact I broke my tumblr app has meant I've been away, but now I'm back again. And don't worry, I've not fallen off the fitness wagon - if anything I've been getting down to it! Have had a few weeks sort of in limbo though, almost like I'd gone right back to the beginning of my journey. Feeling unsure and panicky in the gym and out of control in the kitchen. I've not given in but it was a big of a shock to have done of those feelings again, about not being good enough etc. Work has been awful and I think that's mainly what is throwing me out. I am pretty pleased that I've had no major slip ups though, not in the last few weeks, even though my heads been all over the place. Gotta take the wins, right?!!

So I said I was back....and then prompting disappeared again! LOTS going on at the mo, lots I need to blog about but currently time seems to be an issue. I promise I'll get on to it before the end of March.....!

...so earlier I said I'd been feeling crap after the weekend. Well, first workout in a week and I feel so much better. As if the panic and the worry and the anger stopped being the most significant thing, and instead it was about the fact that I had to get through the next exercise, or next 30 seconds. As soon as the first bead of sweat hit the floor, I felt better. Working out is actually pretty simple. Move around until you sweat, or until your muscles tingle and your legs shake. It's good for you. That's it. I'm looking forward to getting back into it over the next few weeks. And then I'm on hols again. But I am determined not to lose the food focus again in NYC - quality not quantity. I wonder if making a list of some 'fail safe' foods that I'll be able to find would help? My panic sets in when I can't find something healthy and Veggie, and I end up having a bit of a meltdown and going for the fattest, cheesiest, unhealthiest thing on the menu. Because asking for something off-menu completely freaks me out - I hate being fussy so just tend to go with what's there.... I think I've just found the next fear I need to try and conquer....! And NYC seems a good place to start...

Had an awesome weekend. However, I made some pretty rubbish food choices. Chocolate, burgers, hash browns, cider....I spent the whole of yesterday feeling pissed off, sluggish and generally like crap. I get so angry cos I think I've worked it out and then, bam, change of routine and. Feel I've fallen back a year. I haven't, of course. It's 3/4 days of being crap - grrr at the fact I let myself do it - but that's it. I think maybe I've nailed what to eat when I'm in full control. When I'm shopping and eating a home, I know what to eat. In restaurants I know, I know what to eat. But in new places, it's still really tough. Like, on Saturday, we walked about 8 miles across London. By the time we got to where we were going (Platform 9 3/4, such a nerd!) we were shattered and starving. The only place to eat without a massive queue was Maccys :-( So, shipped a burger and diet coke. And then bought a salad falafel thing from Starbucks an hour later as was still hungry. And had a burger for tea too. FML! Anyway, enough of all that. Back to training tonight. 2 weeks until NYC am will be taking my running shoes with me!