#projectemily

The past weeks have been filled with insecurities and self doubt. Do I feel it at every moment of the day? no. But when it creeps up, it hurts. 

My life has been about working to get somewhere, knowing that I can always do more to get there, but never knowing how much farther I need to go. I have come to realize that I perfectly enjoy working and climbing the mountain, but I am too scared to reach the summit. Am I strong enough to get there? Do I deserve to have the view from the top? If I were to ever reach the top, then what? 

I made the goal of getting my PhD when I was 16, always dreamt of meeting the perfect man, getting married and having a family. Spending life traveling through a tunnel hoping it leads to a bright end. Now I see the light, but I am scared of how fast is gets closer and closer. Blindingly bright. 

How do I repair such insecurities? I know I would regret giving up, but how do I conquer the fear? 

27 years, I thought major life decisions were accompanied by emotional excitement and fluttering nerves. Now, I feel these decisions are filled with comfort and a natural ease, and maybe just a hint of nerve. The comfort more a sense of clarity, and the hint of nerves because it is something brand new. That is when you know they are the right decisions at the right time. Completely unforced. 

No matter how sad I am, I can’t seem to cry around you. Not because I don’t feel safe, but because you make the tears go away and bring a smile to my face. 

You think I am beautiful with frizzy hair and no makeup. Every morning I get to put on my makeup for myself and no one else. 

You make me feel important, like I worth something and so is my happiness. 

You remind me that I don’t have to fight for your attention, because I already have it. 

Keeping a life outside of each other is important. You make sure I don’t lose mine again. 

You think of me more than I think about myself, because I am busy thinking about you. 

October long weekend, I went on an adventure with my new partner in crime. Not only was this a completely new experience for me, camping for two nights and going on a long day hike, but it was also a new adventure in my relationship. 

After reading Wild, I decided I needed to hike the Pacific Crest Trail for one month with my two best friends when we turn 30. The biggest challenge about this is that I have never done a hike longer than 5 hours. This last adventure took us to Three Sisters Wilderness in Oregon. We spent two nights camping and 8 hours hiking. Two of those hours were spent on the Pacific Crest Trail! It was quite the inspiring trip. We hiked through lava fields, meadows, and across streams. Not a cloud in the sky, just the path ahead and a friend by my side. This was the first breath of what is ahead over the next three years before embarking on the one month trip. 

For weeks, thoughts and feelings have been swimming laps between my head and my heart. Unsure of how to put it all together, the pieces finally fell into place. 

In my career, I found the courage to pick my committee members. The four people I will have to impress to pass my general exams and thesis defence. Initially this decision felt overwhelming, committing to a group of brilliant physicists to prove myself as a candidate worthy of achieving a doctorate degree. I am ready. Bring on the questions and challenge me. 

Moving forward. Some big things have happened in my life since the start of Phase Two. Completed my exams, closed the book on the break up that led to Project Emily, and shared many laughs with a new someone. There is no more looking back, just ahead, bringing me to the next phase of Project Emily. 

Here are the goals for Phase Three:

1) New Adventures: In love and in life. I have started to embrace the adventures of the outdoors. I traded in some high heels for a pair of hiking boots and a sleeping bag. There are so much natural beauty in our backyards, we just have to go find it. My new relationship also brings new adventures and new love. Just like nature, this new man holds hidden gems, just waiting to be discovered. 

2) Confidence: This one was in Phase Two, but I am placing it here with a slightly different meaning. I have suffered a loss in my academic work, but I will stay strong and persevere. I gained a lot of personal confidence and one person cannot take that away. Not today. 

3) Commit: Committing to plans with friends. It is easy to flake out on friends if a better plan comes along. But, why would I want friends to flake out on me? I will make time for my friends and commit to our plans. My friendships have come to a point where I hang out with each one separately, making it more effort to see each one. But, in the end, it means I keep the ones that are true and important. Make the time and commit. 

4) Productivity: Finding productivity in the mornings. I have the most energy and focus in the morning, so why not use it? I will work on waking up a bit earlier to get in even 30 mins of additional work. This will include housework, to reading on the bus, to getting to school early to get started on the days list.