#projectdalton-rp

It was an hour later when the nurse came in and gave Jess a smile and told her she'd be taking her down. It had been a nice change to see the nurses so accepting of her now that Mama Lisa had given them a talk. She asked the Nurse if they would contact Mama Lisa and tell her that that they had a kidney, then to message Ryan Anderson. The nurse nodded and promised that she will. Jess hoped she wasn't lying. 

The elevator ride seemed like it took forever, she felt stuck in time like it had stopped. Once the doors opened she took a breath of air as the bed rolled along the hallway people staring as she was pushed by. They got her into the OR #3 and got her prepped. She wondered if this was standard or if it was just because they were in a hurry to give her this kidney. She'd been situated on the table as they turned off the dialysis machine and started to give her the anesthesia injection and put the mask over her face. 

Jess remembers being asked to count back from ten "Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven..." She doesn't remember anymore than that. She remembered dreaming about cuddling with Ryan, and helping take care of Kuzco. She dreamt about actually completely being a girl and about more things that would never happen to her in her life.  She remembers them telling her it was a two to three hour surgery. 

Waking up what felt like days later she was back in her room and heard beeping. She clicked her nurses button and asked what happened when she arrived. She told Jess that the surgery so far was successful that they were just waiting to see if the Kidney takes and then they will release me into the custody of Mama Lisa and I can go home. They were impressed and she said the doctor would be in later in the day to check on me and see how the antibiotics are doing and see if the Yellowing in the eyes are gone. 

I tore my IV out on the way back from dropping off Charlie with Cameron. It was sweet of Darius to do that for me, but Cameron's more important than I am right now. I feel like Everyones more important than I am, everyones path and life is set to move forward and mine is going to stop within a few miles. 

Sure they could put me on transplant lists til there blue in the face, but the way my skin is starting to turn yellow and the talk of Dialysis they've been bringing forth doesn't make the inevitable go away, no it only brings it closer.  I've kissed death, I've looked in it's face and accept it. One day I will hold hands with death and walk in it's shadow. 

Most of the nurses here I can tell are praying for it the bigoted fools will not see me when I go to heaven and they are in hell for the sins against another person for there unholy thoughts upon another brother or sister of god. God, or some supreme being. Whoever it may be. Perhaps it's a flying Spaghetti Monster. Maybe when I die they should bury me with a box of pasta so I can present it as my offering? 

I would say I miss the quiet  but it's quiet here all the time so I shall say I miss home, if I could call momma lisa's house a home. It's more like a refuge for horny males that only want to sleep with the person they're obsessed with and be damned the other inhabitants. Except there's Tina, Brittany, & Santana and lets face it the only other soul in that house that is more alone than me is Tina, I feel sorry for her loss... 

I wonder how that must feel like? Having an epic love like that and then it being ripped from your grasps? I would never know I have never had a love like that. I've had flirtation with love like that, a brief glimpse before yet again that was stolen from me too. I would say I'm a fool to love, but I can't help those feelings or actions or hell thoughts for that matter. I use to sit outside by my tree and look in the house and see the couples talk or hug or just linger together in the moment and wish myself into a situation like that. 

It won't ever happen 

not for someone like me. 

I miss my brother, sometimes I wish there was a better way to live life. One that didn't' involve being such a weird society member with people that live to keep myself alive. It's the thing of nightmares and sometimes it eats at me. I have woken up in the middle of the night screaming because I have out of body experiences watching them cut open my brothers to offer organs to me. It's the most nauseating nightmare I wake up and hurl. Nurses just LOVE me. 

Thats not the only night mare that has been keeping me in the nurses good graces, I keep having visions of being back at Dalton, Those feel more like reality than Nightmare. It's not a pleasant thought and I hate for that day to come, but we cant always stay on the run and that thought as well scares me so. I just wish for this a little longer, for this semi state of freedom, ha freedom. This is what I call freedom. IV bags, Nutrition bags because I refuse to eat the hospital plastic looking food, Dialysis bags to keep my kidneys functioning because my skins yellowing they see the jaundice setting in. They see the terrible before I do. 

I see the nightmares before the reality. I see the death before life. I won't see next year. That's my thoughts. 

putting her ipod in she tried to block out the world around her, but sometimes living like that isn't possible. She didn't want the full transformation, she wanted to be a girl, but she didn't know if parting with a certain part was what she really wanted. Sure she wanted to be loved and cherished like Cameron was with Darius and how Blaine is with whoever his flavor of the week is, but she'd never get that because she's different. But being Jeff wasn't comfortable, and these girl skinny jeans and blouse felt right.  The lip gloss light eyeliner and eyeshadow and the way her hair was pinned felt right, yeah it looked weird because there's more testosterone and less estrogen would make things look different, but there was hope. Well there was hope, that's long gone since Dr. Torres crushed the dreams and hopes that were once obtainable 

Needed parental Consent... Ha, like my parents would even say yes. Grandmother would because she knows, she knows and that's why she sends me the carepackages of cookies and alcohol she knows what I want and that's a huge reason my parents won't talk to me. Sure being gay was always the issue. But walking around in my sisters clothes and wanting to be feminine all the time was another huge issue that they wouldn't have in there household so I guess having me as this then my situation it was the perfect opportunity to discard there wanted son and hope that the parts they use of the clone only get rid of the want and need that was burning inside of me.