I really love the way you write each character in Progression. This latest chapter made me think a lot, mainly because I somehow didn't expect for Kinn to have this trauma. It is somehow interesting how Kim and Kinn are very different in this regard. Kim was virgin, was sexually assaulted and now he is considering bottoming for Chay (all by himself and because he wants to). Meanwhile there is Kinn, who was also sexually assaulted (but we don't know more info yet) but he also has high bodycount and is no virgin (he can have sex without love) and yet he didn't tried bottoming in all his sexual life. It is such interesting parallel and I am now truly worried about Kinn and about that incident. This story is so great and I am looking forward to more:D
Hello, anon! Thank you for your message and kind words about the story and my depiction of the characters! It really means a lot, and I'm glad so many seem intrigued at the depiction of Kim being a victim in this regard. I wasn't sure how readers would view it since he is portrayal is often viewed as a masculine and strong leader who can display a short fuse. But I also felt like this was a good reason to give him a background such as this to contrast from the abuse against Kim in this story.
While I won't reveal Kinn's sexual trauma (yet), I will lay out a rough timeline to explore why he responded the way he did to it.
Tankhun's, Kinn's, and Kim's mother died suddenly. Regardless of whether she passed from natural causes or not, this would be incredibly traumatic. I know the ages in the books differ from the vague ones on screen. But in Progression, I feel like Khun is around 31, Kinn is 29, and Kinn is 22 going on 23. But when their mother passed, Khun was close to 16 going on 17, Kinn was 14, and Kim was about 7 or 8. They were very young. Considering she was likely a dual presence (a fierce leader, protector, and business woman, but also a nurturing mother) this would have been a huge loss. It would have created a massive hole no one even tried to fill but Milan, but she could only do so much with the tension in between the families. Since Kinn aligns himself with his mother in the first episode, I imagine he was close to her. I also imagine more responsibilities were forced on Khun when it came to being the heir, taking care of his brothers, etc. Korn likely distanced himself - maybe from guilt, maybe from grief, or maybe because he did not prioritize caring for three grieving sons. But Kinn was old enough and close enough in age to Tankhun to understand the stress likely on his oldest brother and and his father. Since Kim is too young to hold in his grief effectively, Kinn likely held in everything.
Kinn is sexually assaulted in some manner by a very prominent businessman and investor. This is all we know so far, but it happened a couple of months after his mother's death. He is forcing every feeling down to not be a burden that he tells no one. He is old enough to know "it could have been worse." He knows Khun would not let it go. He probably has no idea how his father might address it. He may respond with vengeance, or he may dismiss it due to the role this man has in their lives. He does not want to jeopardize Khun's well-being or put stress on his father, not when they have bigger things to tend to. Despite likely still loving his aunt, cousins, and possibly even uncle at this point, he still can't fully trust them due to being raised not to. He has so many people he could tell, but feels like he can tell no one.
Six months after being assaulted, Khun is kidnapped. Kinn faces his brother and protector possibly being dead and is actively being prepared to become the new heir. These potential responsibilities become incredibly real when he becomes solely responsible for Kim in a safe room. Kim is inconsolable due to feeling more of an attachment to Khun, as well as losing his mother roughly eight months before. He's a child and can't control his emotions under such a high magnitude of trauma. As much as Kinn tries, he can't either. He's 15, already has had two horrifically traumatic things happen to him in eight months, and now faces possibly losing his brother and becoming heir. He loses control and screams at Kim, saying cruel things to him until locking himself in the bathroom. It is an incident Kinn remains deeply ashamed of and never forgave himself for. He realizes he doesn't like not being in control. He doesn't like being wrong.
A few weeks later, Khun returns traumatized and shows signs of significant and complex PTSD, which causes a secondary diagnosis of agoraphobia. Kinn is informed within a couple of months that Khun will no longer be heir and that he will be. He feels less control than ever, resentment against things and people he probably can't quite identify, and now feels he can't lean on anyone since he can't do that anymore. People can only depend on him.
All of these things happen in less than a year. While he eventually finds "love" with Tawan, he never finds it within him to express what happened. Part of it is likely Tawan never challenging their roles in the bedroom, another part of it could be Kinn subconsciously finding something off about their relationship but being too blinded by his feelings that he can't evaluate it further. He was also likely very young while involved with Tawan - late teens to early twenties. It wasn't enough time to identify how much his sexual trauma shaped him - or the rest of the trauma he experienced that year. All he knows is that he needs to be the one in control. When he finds out about Tawan's betrayal, this further traumatizes Kinn and makes him more guarded and quick to anger than ever. After that, he mostly engaged in sex that he has full control of. He ensures this by paying for it. He treats these men well enough and makes sure they get home safely, but he does not explore what he may or may not like in the bedroom, nor do the men he pays to have sex with fit his type. They are much more delicate and have a smaller build than Tawan and Porsche do. He probably yearns for someone who challenges him (like Porsche ends up doing), but his trauma and upbringing cannot allow that.
As for Porsche...I feel like out of everyone, he could truly confide in Porsche. But so much time has passed and Kinn has been so conditioned by his father, his circumstances, and by himself that he has no idea how to express that trauma to the love of his life. Porsche is sweet with him and happy with their sex life, but probably would appreciate switching things up occasionally. I think part of Porsche recognizes there may be a very complex reason as to why they haven't tried it the other way around yet, but Kinn isn't talking. He is kind to Porsche, but likely gently pushes the conversation to the side. I don't think he has ever planned on telling Porsche, despite how far they have come and how serious their relationship is at this point. However, a few of their huge initial conflicts were rooted in Kinn's need for control.
One of these instances was sexual in nature and a form of assault inflicted on Porsche. Despite Porsche being the one to "pursue" Kinn, he was under the influence and could not consent. His feelings the following day are troubled and complicated, as are Kinn's. Kinn apologized for this transgression twice. Porsche forgave him and fell in love with him once seeing a much more genuine side of Kinn, but he was only able to see it once Kinn no longer had control and they established some semblance of equality in the forest. Despite that, I feel like the event brings Kinn a lot of guilt. It is also an example of how destructive Kinn can be when he feels out of control but HAS to maintain some semblance of it in order to not be knocked down from his position of power - a position he strived for and obtained after being forced to make it a goal.
The TL;DR on that last paragraph is that Kinn likely has not confided in Porsche about this particular trauma (or that eventful year in general) because he feels like he has no right after crossing that boundary with Porsche. The circumstances were much different, and Kinn's complex and untreated/not understood trauma likely led up to something like that, but it still happened.
He definitely never planned on telling Kim. But with Kim and Kinn both becoming more open with each other and re-evaluating their pasts in their own respective ways, I think this has shifted something in Kinn just enough for him to blurt a hint of that trauma out. Now that Kim is actively working towards getting better, he is much less avoidant with hard topics - especially hard topics that aren't his own. He likely takes Kinn's impulsive and vague admission much more seriously than he does his own assault, and Kinn's takes Kim's much more seriously (plus was traumatized by the rescue). They can only treat this type of violence with the gravity and attention it deserves when it happens to someone they care for, rather than themselves.
Since Kim's descent into his depression and subsequent kidnapping and assault are covered in Progression, my contrasting points are much shorter.
While Kinn feels like he has to care for everyone he considers family, Kim doesn't have the same responsibilities. He wants to separate himself at least some aspects to his family - going as far as creating a separate persona to be who he wants to be in his professional life, only to never fully escape it due to his own trauma and mafia ties. He craves love - something shown through this romantic lyrics - but has guarded himself so heavily due to his dangerous connections, introverted nature, and (in this story) likely falling on the autism spectrum. On top of that, he is demisexual in this story, although he hasn't given himself an official label. All he knows is that he would only consider sex if it was with someone he loved. Chay is the only person he felt those feelings for. Due to Kim's secretive goals, how guarded he is, and how hard it is for him to express himself, he dropped the ball. Monumentally. That heartache and guilt impacted what was likely an already underlying depression and Kim gradually lost control.
I see Kim as someone who also needs control, at least initially. But losing so much of it and not being able to express how much help and support he needs makes him feel completely isolated. That isolation, depression, and desperate need for love and support makes it so Kim doesn't necessarily want the control back. He needs someone else to take the reins. This is shown when he willingly goes with his kidnappers, despite knowing he very well may die or face serious trauma/injury. This shows how much Kim now avoids taking any control back. He has no idea where to start since his life has completely unraveled. By the time one of his kidnappers assaults him, he does briefly try to fight. But the drugs in his system and his weakness from his eating disorder make it so that control can't be obtained. His assault is only cut short only when Chay takes control (by completely losing it, ironically enough) and almost beats his captor to death.
Kim doesn't really think about sex with Chay after their reunion until the prospect of it seems as if it could be likely when they are waiting out the storm. It gives Kim anxiety and he still has mental health concerns that he is working through. But like Chay's absence was a major reason for Kim's descent into his depression, his presence, support, and friendship after Kim hit rock bottom is a major reason for his healing. So Kim develops a deep appreciation, love, and trust for Chay - even deeper than his original feelings. Chay has become someone he feels safe around. That trust has led Kim to find himself becoming a person that more closely aligns with the person he had only wanted to be prior to all of this. Add that to Chay now making a habit of protecting and comforting Kim? Kim wants to hand the reins over Chay. He makes Kim feel safe, despite their complicated history. Kim no longer sees handing over control as a weakness because it has led to him having more love and support. This mindset is crossing over into his and Chay's growing sexual relationship. While Kim is a virgin and Chay has acquired a huge list of partners during their separation, this dynamic and Kim relinquishing the need for control has strangely given Kim MORE control with his growing agency. That agency is also giving him confidence to try more things with someone he loves and trusts deeply.
This answer was so much longer than what I initially planned and I don't know if it all makes sense. I probably gave too much backstory away, but it is what it is! Feel free to engage or give your thoughts on it all, but these are mine based on both my views and analyses of the characters in the show, and of the events that have unfolded in this particular fic.
