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honestly besides my OCs who have always been like a comfort thing to me
rean is definitely like one of my comfort characters, you know? like he just is for me lol probably because as someone who is massively depressed and hates herself...
seeing him deal with that and come out the other end a healthier, stronger person is everything to me ;-;
idk lol]
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just moved for the firsttime in hours yay
post-race sharl / rough coloring
had a dream i was flying and i put my hand in the glovebox of the plane (yes there's a little glovebox in the plane idk why) and i had all these needles in my hand when i pulled it out. it was like i tried to high five a porcupine. i started pulling out the needles but it hurt so bad i woke up
first night in awhile i was actually excited to be here
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Realized that I feel obligated to wait for permission before I'm "allowed" to be strong. I haven't been letting myself act strong or confident. Part of me expects that the moment I do, someone will attack me, try to take me down a peg. "You think you're so smart? Want me to remind you of all the stupid things you did over the years?" "You really think you can do this? No you can't! Trust me, I've seen enough failures from you to know!" "Well maybe your opinions would be worth something if you got your act together. What are you even doing with your life? Do you really expect to be taken seriously when (your living space is a mess / you don't work full-time / you dress for comfort not style / you refuse to get your crooked tooth straightened / insert any other arbitrary criteria here)?" And I'm afraid that if someone "calls me out" like that, I'll buckle. Because it's true, I have done stupid things in the past, and I have failed, and I don't have my act together ((not that I'd let anyone touch my crooked tooth or rope me into a full-time job)). And these kinds of arguments have been used against me in the past when I couldn't fight back. ((I tried, sometimes. It would be used against me and just make things worse. There was no winning. The only thing to do was surrender and wait for it to be over. To listen with contrition, nod and shake my head and apologize in all the right places, until the mockery and yelling and finger-pointing run their course.)) It was safer to be small and meek, to doubt myself and defer to others. So that's what I did. What I was trained to do. And now that I'm allowed to fight back - when I can give myself permission to fight back - I don't know how. My brain shoots me down before anyone else can.
Yesterday I wanted to tell my person "I'm proud of myself for ((handling a situation))", but what I managed was "I guess I'm kinda proud of myself?" (((I was on the verge of adding 'not that it's a big deal', before my person cut in with "I'm proud of you". My brain went 'oh, I'm allowed! They agree, so I'm permitted to think I did well!' and then I had no trouble feeling confident and proud. About this specific situation. For the moment. (Because god knows, being told 'you did well' now doesn't mean it won't later be used as evidence of your selfishness or arrogance or laziness. 'You took one step in the right direction and you think that gives you bragging rights? That you never need to work hard again? That people will just respect you forever after?') )))
(And don't get me started on all the times I told people "actually, my pronouns are they/them", and consciously willed myself to stop talking,...and couldn't help adding a quiet little "if you don't mind" >__< )
But guess what. I don't need your goddamn permission. I don't have to wait on your goddamn approval. Maybe I'm not ready to act on it now. Maybe I don't know when, or if, I'll actually believe it. But I'm starting to think that maybe one day I will.
Been reading some H/C and talking to my person and attending a program and thinking, and,,,
"You need to get better so that you can start being useful again. You need to get better so that you can pull yourself together and GET BACK TO WORK." (('work' meaning 'whatever's expected of you', not necessarily 'job')) You can get a reprieve while you're weak, but as soon as you are stronger, you'll be expected to work yourself to the bone again. It never ends. “Just (...) and THEN you can rest” always ends up being a lie. You can't say “no, I don't want to get back to work” (or even admit it to yourself) - that's selfish and greedy (or at best 'weak and useless', or 'whining' or 'exaggerating' or 'trying to get attention' or 'feeling sorry for yourself') - "you think you're the only one who has problems? you think YOU're struggling? you think you have a right to complain when you've got it so easy? you think others have to wait on you hand and foot? how dare you - aren't you ashamed - burdening others - bad bad bad stupid unacceptable"
You can't allow yourself to feel better for a while or do something enjoyable, because “if you can do this, clearly you're fine, stop malingering and get back to work”. (eg. “so you want to (play a game/learn about a topic/etc)? why aren't you putting that energy into (looking for a job/cleaning your home/meeting more people/etc)?”) ((Unless the activity is something 'sanctioned' and 'socially approved', in which case you CAN participate, but you can't show (and therefore feel) much enjoyment or energy or motivation or skill, otherwise “if you can do this, clearly you're able to do all kinds of things, now get back to work”))
And since your brain caught on to the pattern, it learned that: "Getting better is unacceptable" "Getting better only leads to more pain, exhaustion, useless struggling" "Getting better means you have no excuse" "Getting better means people will resume expecting more than you can give" "Getting better means people will go back to holding you to a standard you can't meet, you'll keep falling short, they'll keep getting angry at you or disappointed or frustrated" "Getting better means losing whatever sympathy you're getting" "Getting better means losing whatever help you're getting" "Getting better means losing whatever reprieve you're currently allowed to have"
So things that 'help' feel like a threat - they are tools to make you 'get better' so that you can be pushed beyond your limits again. So that you're able to push yourself beyond your limits again. So that you can be hurt again. So that you can go back to letting yourself be hurt. To ignoring when it hurts. To squeezing yourself for every last drop.
And part of your brain doesn't want that. 'Getting better' is a threat.
So there's a level of resistance even (especially!) to the most basic things that are helpful or positive or comforting. And you don't even know why. You're hungry, the food looks good, but for some reason you can't bring yourself to eat. You'll feel better after you take your meds, but you find yourself just staring at the bottle for minutes at a time before you can make yourself open it...only to then sit there with pill in hand, willing yourself to just take it already, what's the holdup, what the hell Branch, you KNOW this will help, just do it. You used to love going into your hideout, it used to feel safe and comforting - now even imagining it stresses you out. Hearing "it's OK, you can do it, I'll help, I believe in you" makes you panic, and you don't know why. This is supposed to be encouraging, so why are you suddenly frantic to make the person give up on you? (Because on some level it feels like- not even a threat - a sentence. “It's OK, now stop whining before I lose my patience. I know you can do it, stop pretending like you can't, I'm not letting you weasel out of it. I'll help you do it or I'll MAKE you do it, but you're getting this done whether you like it or not. I believe in you, you better not disappoint me.”)
Been years since I was interested in Tarot, but, well, I think this is what The Hanged Man card feels like.
Learning to face- helplesness? loss of control? At any rate, things that my brain is used to classifying as The End Of The World.
Learning that you can lose your pride with dignity. (And that that isn’t a contradiction in terms.)
Learning that I really can’t Go It Alone.
