time does not bring relief;

i have to be okay. this is needed. i need this. im taking care of myself. im taking care of myself. this is good for me. i need to do this. this couldnt have gone any other way. dont run back to what hurts you without change. you deserve change. this is the only way anything can get better. i have to be okay with this.

i have to be okay with this. i have to be okay. i have to be okay. this is needed. i needed to do this. i made the right decision. upturning bridges. closing doors. latching gates. closing the windows to drown out the noise. healing scars on my arm next to fresh ones but at least the old ones are healing. new problems. new things to handle. forgetting. or; growing larger around it. i hope one day i dont think about it at all. heartbreak. pounding. sleeping until your head hurts. blood. so much fucking blood. showers and baths and feeling skin against mine and wanting to throw up. i have to be okay with this.

i really miss my old best friend

im talking to her again

and what if i wasnt trying? what if i gave up? what if i stopped caring days or weeks or months ago. would i still be worth saving? would i still be worth caring about? or do i only matter when i put in effort? im too fucking tired to try. im tired of trying to save myself. i want to be loved even when i dont want to wake up in the morning. even when im doing nothing to show i want to live. why am i only worth saving when i kill myself trying to stay alive

the attention seeking is strong today . wondering if anyone would truly fucking care if i didnt get home safe. if i never came home from work. i dont think anyone would even realize for awhile. how long would it take to get a message. how long would it take for me to be looked for. would i already be gone by the time anyone cared to search. i know people would care and i know this is fucked up but god my brain wont stop telling me it.

im tired of being the second choice. im tired of being told someone cares about me but they don't do shit to show it. i just want someone to show that they care about me when i dont have a knife in my hand. can't you see this is a cry for fucking help. not to be commited or hospitalized or turned in but to be HELPED. to be CARED ABOUT. to be NOTICED. i just want someone to look at me. this is the only way i know how to get it.

i dont choose to be this way. im not fucking choosing to feel like this. i dont choose to be suicidal or hurt myself or have bpd or whatever the fuck is going on in my head. i dont choose that. its fucking disgusting that people think suicidal people would EVER choose to feel like this. this is the worst feeling in the world. craving attention so bad your brain tells you to end yourself for it, needing to hurt so bad that you carve into your own skin, feeling so comfortable in the pain that you cant imagine life without it. being so self destructive and addicted to it. i dont choose this. i would choose to be healthy and sane in a fucking heartbeat. but there is nothing i can fucking do to change this about myself right now. i just have to live with it.