#procrastnating

It really sucks in that small nagging way that I just had a great vacation with my best friend/future QPP, but that one of her final comments to me seemed like it was diminishing/disbelieving/dismissing my transition goals. I don't think she understands how painful it is for me to say I might not ever transition. Her saying "oh yeah, I never really expected this to change" hurts me. I wish she wasn't in traffic right now so I could text her about it. I don't like tumblring things I can talk about.

6 hours before a paper deadline is NOT the TIME to be freaking out about how horrible I'll look if I start T.

Most days I'm so ambivalent about starting T, it's surprising how sad I am about realizing I couldn't/shouldn't start until after graduation. Is the fact that I'm mourning this delay a sign that I really do want it? Why can't I just love this body. This existence. Why doesn't it feel like enough? Why doesn't it feel right? I can't even articulate why I would want T other than that I want it. I don't know if it would even help.

secret goal: i think it would be really fun to track my t progress by starting a makeup blog. it would help me simultaneously develop the parts of my gender that i still struggle to fit together (because internalized cissexism is a jer). plus it would be fun. and probably embarrassing. which is fun for everyone else. 

NO but i am FREAKINg OUT rn about all this.