This isn't getting better at all.

Literally one minute it's "invincible brain fog" and the next it's crystal clear. Then it goes back. I can't do school like this!!! FUCK. I should have started lithium in the summer like they said. Don't reblog this k thx

I'm finally getting lithium side effects now that I'm up to 900mg/day. The past three days have been non-stop nausea. Things range from tasting like garbage to making me sick. Even really mild shit like mashed potatoes. Nonstop headaches. I'm so tired all the time. I've also got aggressive brain fog most of the day. Right now I've got some physical awakeness after a morning of total zombie, but my brain just feels like clearer fuzziness. Like I'm alert but I can't mentally hold onto anything. I move in bursts. It feels a tiny bit like useless mania. I can't decide where to sit. I don't feel comfortable anywhere. I can barely read. I'm really anxious. Maybe mostly bc I'm not in control of my body. I'm confused because these physical side effects are the same as what happens during a depressive episode. They are making me feel more depressed rather than level. I just wanna get high and make it all go away. 10.5.15 (Obviously don't reblog this since it's a personal journal)

I know I'm not gonna get nearly enough homework done this weekend (thx depression) and I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. Trying and not doing so great about it.

I'm supposed to meet with a dean soon to talk about why I didn't complete my deficiency over the summer like I was supposed to. Should be fun explaining that I honestly care about nothing.

10 days on lithium and the suicidal thoughts keep coming. They've evolved a little. Now it's less about the panicky/heaviness of death and more peaceful. I really don't know if this is working or if it's getting worse. Maybe I can transpose my contentment re: inevitable death onto perpetuating my existence in this meaningless world. Idk how much time I can give this. Idk what else I would do though. I need to pay my bills.

I'm so fucking bitter, man. The number of men/mascs who have traumatized me is far higher than the number of those who haven't. How dare. How dare this body be turned cold. What kind of warlock fuckery is this bullshit.

Like. I can’t have romantic physicality anymore because of him. Because I’m broken. Because something snapped when I was with him. Now I turn to wood when I’m touched. The whole tree is rotted from the inside. FUCK you dude. FUCK you. FUCK.

Feeling really hostile to that ex today. I just wanna email him and be like "what the FUCK dude. you ruined my life??" I won't. obviously. Because that kind of behavior is really fucked up on my part. But. I HATE what he has done to me. And even moreso I hate him for still giving me so many good memories, so I can't even say I wish I'd never met him. This trauma is part of a bigger story of growth, but nonetheless I wish I could cut it out of my mind like a dead branch.