#procrastiwriter

we started as friends-with-benefits, hooking up on a Friday night after we’ve drank too much, carelessly craving for each other’s skin, continuing to desire lust over love. but as time passes, my heart yearns for something more.

We were cruising down the bay-walk that afternoon of June, hand-in-hand
And even with the huge crowd minding their own business, 
I could hear the waves of the vivid blues crashing the bay
And your stirring voice as it matches the sea.
Two voices that calm me down. Some afternoon, I was in my summer job 
Covered in sweat while wearing that thick polo shirt
And standing by the counter, waiting for a customer
When the shop’s phone rang – it was for me. I will always love you, you said. 
And I’ll always love you too, I reply. I could sense the quiver in your voice as if you were freezing in cold
As if you were scared to say I love you once again. 
But.
A splash. I heard the splash of water.
Then, it was still. I’m cruising down the bay-walk this sunny afternoon 
With babbling people still crowding the scenery
But the only thing I could hear
Were the crash of the waves
And I could hear your voice as these blues hit the shore 
Two voices that seem to be killing me inside. I don’t know why you jumped.
I don’t know why you ended it.
I don’t know why you let go.
I don’t know why you left me here. But,
One thing’s for sure,
I don’t want to hear the waves ever again.

We lay on the sand side by side with your elbow propped up to your head, facing me. The sun has settled somewhere in the west, preparing to set. I stare at the waves as it mixes with the orange tone of the light. We both know that moments like this are simply to kill some time while we’re not busy with schoolwork or with our mutuals or babysitting your little sister. “Do you know what’s even better than mint ice cream?” you asked me out of the blue. For as long as I’ve known you, reciting random questions you think of is something I don’t get tired of hearing. I remember when I was five and you were six that your mom would bring us to the bay walk at weekends because those were the only days she was free. We would always stop by Dippin’ Dots to buy our usual – bubblegum for me and mint for you. You almost wished your mom didn’t have to work so she could always buy us ice cream. It’s been twelve years since I’ve known you and I could not name anyone who could be as loyal as you are to mint. You’d even fight your mom to buy three pints of it and fight your little sister over who eats a whole pint. I remember when I was eleven and you were twelve that we were walking barefoot by the beach with a junior cup of gelato on a scorching summer when you told me how the color of your ice cream matched the pale green of my eyes. Back then I’d think you were just stating the obvious but as I think about that moment right now, I hope you don’t notice my heart flutter. Staring at the waves for too long makes me really ponder if I’m starting to feel butterflies in my stomach when I’m with you or — “What?”, I snap back to reality and look into your ocean eyes. “You…”

We all die as skulls – Flesh and skin; all gone astray Through time and space, Flowers will grow within us and god will tell us that we had still died beautifully.

Your eyes gleam like the ocean’s telling a story The way your face tilts to the afternoon heat, And your freckles showing like polka dots rounding the features of your face Your hair tousled and wet on most mornings at school And the way your voice sounds like a record roughly playing on a vinyl This affection I have towards you is burning Every muscle of mine softens, My legs tremble My arms shake My heart melts to a hundred degrees Whenever I see you walk through the corridors of this crimped hallway filled with Rushing students, babbling girls, and prideful boys Everyone’s eyes are on you, Hundreds of eyes staring at you, Mesmerized by the beauty they’re seeing, Including mine. I always see you like this, 5 days a week Still crossing my fingers, Hoping you’d look my direction. I watch you in my dreams, In my untangled nightly memories And consciously smiling in my midnight thoughts Giving me a sense of hope That you’d talk to me Or even see me The next day. Or the next. Or the next. When the golden sun strikes my drowsy eyes, I know I’m gonna see you again today. Another day filled with hope and crossed fingers I can’t wait. A tap on my shoulder says it was the touch Of your long, masculine fingers While I was carelessly rummaging through Stacks of unused books in the library “Hey.”

on the first day i stepped in, we were strangers. we didn’t talk to one another. we didn’t look at each other. but as days went by, i saw you in my dreams for the first time - an unfamiliar face i’ve only known  for four days. the moment i woke up, i asked God why you stepped into my sleep. I keep telling myself that this isn’t developing into more than a feeling. it couldn’t be. i steal glances at you but i know there’s nothing  more than that. out of nowhere you pop into my notifications the first time we’ve conversed with one another i thought you were turning into someone out of my league someone i could be thankful for dreaming of. instead, you turned out to be the opposite. you ticked me off. turned me off. and made me wonder even more  why i dreamt of you in the first place. out of all the circumstances, why am i letting myself in? why do i miss you when i shouldn’t even think about you? why do i still want to talk to you - the player of all players. the baddest of them all. why am i still pushing myself to you even more?